Advice Needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Advice Needed
26
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 6:22am

I met this great guy who is so easy to talk to and whom I trust completely. We are friends but we talk about everything including sex. I told DH about him just so DH wouldn't assume the wrong thing. I even told him what this guy and I talk about. DH isn't comfortable completely but he doesn't want to not trust me either.

This guy and I hit it off really well and we are both in a long-term relationship. He has already made an agreement with me that we should never meet and that we are only talking as friends and to learn from one another. I am completely comfortable talking to him but I'm worried that what we talk about may make DH think the wrong thing about this guys and my friendship.

If we are only talking out of innocence and to learn from each other is that a bad thing? Has anyone else gone through something simialar? I don't want to cut ties with this guy and him and I are only friends! I'm not sure what to do...

Advice and tips would be great. Thanks everyone!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 9:53am
Thanks..I respect your opinion as wel as everyone else's!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:01am

My posts don't say anything whatsoever about being used.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:08am
I wasn't posting that toward you. I thought you had great advice. I do understand. I'm only 19 so I have no experience in this area...lol..and I have a 4month old son and a 4 year old step son who beside my husband are my world. I'm a people pleaser though and I think that's what will and what has hurt me before. I don't want to cut ties with him because I enjoy talking to him but I see your points. I'm sorry if you thought I was getting defensive toward you. It wasn't you. Someone just made this guy to look like a complete idiot when I said only a portion of what we really talk about. I think people shouldn't judge unless they know the whole story. I'm not on here to cause problems or start fights..I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:14am

Erika, In the end, you have to decide what you feel is the right thing to do. I've had male friends that I talk about sex with, but I wasn't attracted to them. How does his SO feel about your friendship? It may be something that she isn't comfortable with either. If she finds out, will it have to come to a screeching halt?

For me, I couldn't imagine ever hurting my DH, but I would be leary of being in a relationship where I felt sexually attracted to the other person. If I felt that I couldn't meet that person because of the attraction, I would take that as a huge warning sign. Maybe try to figure out what role this person really plays in your life. How long have you been friends? Will your friendship with him cause your DH to have reservations or concerns?

I think some times in life we have to close doors behind us just so we can move forward in the right direction. If you're in a place where you have to question "what if", then it puts a lot of stuff on your plate. Is it necessary for your plate to be so full? If it is, why is it? Those are the types of things I would want to ask myself if I were in your shoes.

I don't think anyone is going to judge you here. I think the concern is as much for your well being as it is for anything/anyone else. As Kirk (Tangency) mentioned, there are emotional affairs as well as physical affairs. Maybe you are enjoying feeling that spark, and never plan to act on it ... but if you combine that spark with a relationship (of any kind), it increases your risk factor, KWIM?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:22am

No offense taken!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:25am

"Maybe you are enjoying feeling that spark, and never plan to act on it ... but if you combine that spark with a relationship (of any kind), it increases your risk factor, KWIM?"

I do tend to base everything on my feelings and he is not looking for any kind of attachment. I think now that maybe I am feeling something because i enjoy what he says and maybe i should tell him that I'm taking it the wrong way and we should reconsider the subjects we discuss. I really would never hurt DH and I'm starting to think I may do more damage than I ever thought possible. i definately couldn't live without him.

I just hate hurting people and I don't want to end a friendship that way. I really don't know what to do!!......):

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:27am
Thanks...I have been told from a few people that I am wise beyond my years and way more mature. I don't feel that way right now though. If anything I am more confused now than I was before i posted! I hope you have a good day as well!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:34am

One

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:36am
You make it sound so easy..lol...the thing is I don't want to quit talking to him I just think him and I should change the way we talk to each other. If we do that and don't talk as much do you think it's still ok? DH says he doesn't mind us talking as long as it doesn't go further than that. Which I think it is?? Anways, what do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: momma_cj18
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:37am

You're not being chewed out, you asked what people thought and you got answers.

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