Advise on threesome???
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| Mon, 10-22-2007 - 10:25pm |
My DH has hinted at wanting a threesome here and there for a while, and said he'd like to do it with either another women or man, that eached seemed exciting to him. One evening a while back, at a dinner party at our house, one of his coworkers who he is fairly good friends with brought it up after several cocktails. He had been looking at me all evening, and later my DH said that he brought up at work all the time how attractive he thought I was. This man is recently divorced. My DH mentioned that evening he would like to try a threesome sometime with him, as it would turn him on knowing another guy wanted me so much. I shot down the idea, and it was dropped. Over the next few weeks it was inserted into discussions more and more. After tons of thought I agreed to consider it if he would take everything that it implicated into account. I am very attracted to my husband, but one might say I was the greater catch coming into the relationship. I dont want to be shallow, but I did quite a bit of modeling and played volleyball in college, and have probably taken better care of my body then my DH. Anyways.. I said I would consider it if it was understood that there would be no intercourse, just sort of a show I guess for my husbands co worker, and MAYBE some touching. I assumed this was my husbands biggest turn on. It was arranged that I would go with them on a business trip, and if everyone was in the mood, we would possibly do it one evening in the hotel. Well, this evening came one night after a long dinner at a great restaurant. My DH had a few drinks, and was really just in the mood to have sex with me I think, but his co worker convinced him to set it up, and he did. We decided the least awkward way to start would be to all hop in the shower together and just go from there. My DH began kissing me, and thats when it immediately became weird. I know I should have anticipated this, but it was what it was! DH's co worker was standing behind me, and I glanced back to see he had a major erection going. He was big! Maybe twice the size of my DH, no joke. He started running his penis up my thigh as my DH was kissing me. I really just wanted to stop, but decided to just let it play out. After a few minutes of my DH rubbing me all over, and Tim( co worker, I guess Ill use his name) masterbating behind me, my husband said he wanted to put it inside me. I was feeling very nervous at this point, but I said ok. After just a few thrusts, he asked me to go down on him. This was the point when Tim asked if he could "f**k me from behind". I said no. After a few seconds going down on my DH, I felt his hand on my vagina, and before I knew it, he slammed his penis inside of me. I was angry at first, but realized I had agreed to this, and it had become clear he was content on having sex with me. I didnt blame him. He was naked in a shower with a naked women. My husband noticed it and began masterbating. After a few minutes Tim instructed we leave the shower, and moved me towards the sink countertop. He began to pound me very hard at this point. I looked at my husband and asked if he wanted it to stop, and he shook his head no. I assumed Tim would come soon, but he didnt. He began to go harder and faster and I could tell my husband was loosing interest. At one point, and I know this is horrible, he pulled both my legs up straight out from my body, and thrusted so hard the mirror was knocked sideways on the wall. After atleast 20 minutes he came inside of me, and then sort of stumbled out of the bathroom. My husband didnt say anything except lets go to bed.

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Edited 10/23/2007 6:56 am ET by bostonsteve
Hi Jess,
My name is Poppy. In addition to being a regular lurker here, I am also the CL of the Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide. From your post, I would agree with what Steve had written to you. You had clearly set and stated your boundaries, and you had said "no" to the Tim person. Boundaries are there for our safety, and a no is a no. It doesn't matter that the three of you were naked in the shower together, a no is *always* a no.
I'd like to urge you to talk to a counsellor. The quicker you do this, the better for you, before the feelings, doubts and thoughts have the opportunity to take over. If you don't know where to find a counsellor or a crisis center nearest to you, you can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.4673 or look at the RAINN website (www.rainn.org). There's also an online hotline, though it isn't available 24/7 like the crisis line http://www.rainn.org/ohl-bridge.php. When you call the 1-800 number, your call will be routed to the nearest participating crisis center to you. The advantage of this is that they would have information regarding counsellors, support groups, opening hours, etc.
I would also urge you to talk to your husband about what happened. Since the threesome was not a good experience for you, it's really important to discuss this as these kinds of feelings and thoughts tend to fester a long time inside of us. These are the kind of things that don't go away on its own given time. If you are finding it difficult to talk for any reason, perhaps you could do so within marital counselling, with the counsellor acting as a facilitator for you both.
Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide
(((HUGS))), jess, and I'm so very sorry that happened to you. I honestly feel that, since you said "no" to the coworker, and he proceeded anyway, that he raped you, which is why you can't stop thinking about it. While you've already gotten some good advice here, I strongly urge you to contact someone in real life, too. They would be able
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Good Morning Jess. I have gone back and read through your other posts here, and am concerned about you. It seems to me that your desire to fulfill your husbands wants has become your primary sexual function. Please understand that even woman who are unable to have orgasms are able to enjoy sex for their own benefits. You've mentioned that your normal sexual encounter with your DH is rough anal sex, you have been concerned about your daughter walking in on you, and now you are concerned about how your DH feels about Tim having intercourse with you.
Your DH initiated this, and appears to have given his approval in every way. The person you should be more concerned with is yourself. It sounds to me as if you feel guilty for allowing this to happen, and you mention that it wasn't something you wanted to participate in from the beginning. While I think there are reasonable limits you can go to for the benefit of your partner, it doesn't sound like this was something you considered a reasonable limit.
I hope you will take the advice given here and contact some of the crisis centers near you. Talking with a counselor will help you to sort all of this out, and will help you learn how to take care of yourself prior to allowing such a situation to arise. The counselor may even arrange for some couples counseling that will be beneficial to both you and your DH.
Each of us deserves to have our own boundaries respected. I think it's important that you and hubby have decided to avoid this sort of encounter in the future, but I think the two of you may still need to talk more about what has already occurred. Poppy is a great CL, and I'm sure you will find more support when you visit her crisis board as well.
my partner in the siggy exchange
Edited 10/23/2007 9:12 am ET by cl-misty_mae
It seems to be a bit extreme to label this a rape. The OP
boosfla,
you need to check your definition of rape.
She said no. Once a penetration occurred, the rape had taken place. End of story. If she says no, the penetration only has to take place once. There's no rule for, "well she kept going."
Did she? Or was she too humiliated or perhaps afraid to say "no" again.
Remember that rape isn't a crime of sex - it's a crime of power. That she said "no" and the attacker just continued, knowing it was against her wishes - is about power and control.
I think you're right about the relationship though. At least from what has been described here.
My best to the OP.
-lg
You and I will disagree about whether this met the criteria for a rape or not, only the OP has all the info to determine that for herself- I would like to hear her opinion. Either way, it
I'm not going to get into the argument over whether it's rape or not. I'll just say that I don't see it as "rape" in the classic sense, and it is a case of several people all having different agendas and expectations for the same situation which led to things going badly wrong for some of them. This is also a classic example of why a couple should actually talk about a threesome before it happens and set firm boundaries.
I know that you said that you had talked to your husband about this and told him that you'd go along with a "show" and maybe some touching - but did he really listen to you and understand with what you were saying? Did he tell you what HE wanted out of the situation? Clearly your assumption of what his biggest turn-on was, was wrong.
And during the session, why didn't you stop Tim from having intercourse with you? Yes, I know that it was difficult to say "Stop" but you didn't agree to it - you had told you husband well before that it would be "maybe touching", and it didn't matter what Tim wanted - it was about what you and your husband wanted.
I don't think that there is a lot that you can do at this point other than sit down with your husband and have one of those talks that you should have had with him before all this happened. A frank, open and very honest conversation about it and make sure that both of you understand what the other is saying and thinking. Tell your husband that you didn't enjoy it, that you thought that you might have enjoyed parts of it before it happened but discovered that you didn't like it at all. Tell him that you are upset at Tim for not going along with your wishes and that you do not want to repeat the experience. Tell your husband that you don't blame him at all and that you understand that maybe the two of you should have talked about it more before it happened. Ask him how he's feeling about it.
Counselling or not, the two of you need to talk about it. You need to get to a point where the two of you feel like you are dealing with this together like the husband and wife team that you are rather than separately and individually like you are now.
I don't think that this needs to be treated like you were raped. That's not what this is. Don't overstate the issue either. It's a sexual experience that went wrong. It's humiliating, embarrassing and upsetting. But it is not the end of the world either.
Once you informed your husband's friend that you wanted it to stop, he should have done so, and if need be, relieved himself manually. You say that his penis is twice as large as your husband's. Is the rest of him, also twice as large has your "DH"? If not, I see no reason that he shouldn't have stepped in and stopped things himself, once you made your desires known. I do wonder just what would prompt your husband to arrange such an outing. It doesn't seem very loving to me.
Perhaps, if you have trouble having an orgasm with your husband during intercourse, he may have hallucinated that he was doing you some sort of favor by getting his friend to provide something that he doesn't possess.
I fear that your marriage is in for a rough ride if you can't find a way to get your husband to express just what HIS issues are.
I cannot seem to understand how people can agree to a threesome and then set "boundaries."
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