To all Men and Women, please read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
To all Men and Women, please read
33
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:29am

Hi,

I use this board under a different name, but because of the nature of this posting, I have decided a new registration was required. Please bear with me, there is advice for Men and Women at the end of this email.

Yesterday, for the first time, I went with a prostitute. I had been thinking about this for the last 12 months, and finally bucked up the backbone to get on with it. The reason I went to a prostitute was simply that there was things that I wanted to try that my wife was not into, not prepared to try, didn’t want to get into, a million reasons.

I didn’t want an affair – I love my wife. I am just, well, I am just a man who needed that little bit more than my Wife was willing to give or try. Its not a good excuse, I know.

I wont go into the details – nobody here will want to read them. But what I wanted to report is that it was nothing like what I expected. It was… well, empty. The sex was average, it wasn’t thrilling, it wasn’t good. I just could not connect. It was almost like I was a robot. Half way though, I wanted to end it, and that’s just what I did. The prostitute did everything she could (she knew what I wanted to try before we met as we had exchanged details on the phone and by email), but her ‘ohhs’ and ‘ahhhhs’ were not my wife.

Am I unhappy I did it? A little. It was a waste of money (quite a lot of money as it happens), but then again, if I had not tried this then I would not have known. I tried some of the things my Wife didn’t want to. But at the end of the day, I would rather have done them with my wife.

The reason for posting this here, where I am sure that the name calling will start (hence the false ID), it to use the experience to give the following two items of advice:

Men. If you are thinking of doing the same, I cant recommend it – at all. If you are the type of guy who just wants unattached false sex, then maybe it will be for you. But it will not be sexy, or exciting. Bite the bullet, chat with your wife or girlfriend, and see what happens. Ok, the prostitute will let you do almost whatever you want (subject to the limits of the girl you pick, but for most, this is not much they will do including ALL the extremes you can imagine).

Women, please, remember that we are only men. Men are different from women (as you know). If we cant get it from you, then we will stray, either to prostitutes or worse, will have affairs. We run on need, visuals, experience, and both quality and quantity. If you can provide that, different things, interesting things, then we wont stray. If your SO talks to you about trying something, its because he is keen to try it and if he cant get it from you, he may well just go elsewhere.

Above all, its all about communication.

Ok, that’s it. Let the blood letting start.

Me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:50am

John,

Intresting post. The problem is that the people who read this board (and therefore your post) are intrested in sex, but not everybodies other halves read the same board. So you are talkin to the wrong side of the relationship - if that makes sense.

Does your wife read this board? Sometimes, I would like my DW to read some postings that appear here, but I dont think she would.

Anyway, as I say, an intresting post.

Jaffa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 8:22am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 9:08am
I have been in a nearly seless marriage for eight years and I can understand your frustration and wanting some connection. I have considered an affair but my love of my wife and religious convictions have prevented me thusfar. What is frustrating is that many wives who are low libido or witholding lovemaking from their spouses do not understand that is is not sex we seek, it is tenderness, love, a high level of comunication and that they are the only person we wish to be sexual with. My wife always complains that I wish to "get some"...and I try to explain to her that what is seek is closeness that only lovemaking can provide. Sadly, she does not get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 9:20am

I don't agree with most of the things you said in your post. Saying "we are only men" is just a cop out in my book. Men may think differently and may have different fantasies than women, but that doesn't mean they can't have good morals. To cheat is morally wrong (IMO) and is within the persons control. That is any kind of cheating, not just sexually. You obviously don't have a very high opinion of yourself, but you really should leave other men out of it. I think you probably learned this:

The only fantasy cheating will fulfill is the fantasy to cheat.

I agree that you should get tested for STD's.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:22am

Hunt4o,

I don’t condone what John?whatever did, but I can understand his situation and his choice. I don’t know how many conversations he had with his wife, but assuming its more than the “Will you? No! Ok!” simple conversation, there are four options available:

1) Put up with it for as long as they are together
2) Have an affair
3) Leave his wife
4) Do what he did

From my POV (which is based on what he said), I think what he did has the least damage. You could say (1) has the least damage, but depending on what it is, he could grow to resent her leaving to either (2) or (3).

Now we don’t know what the things he wanted were, and agreeing with Tish that everybody (men and women) have the right to say no, but a relationship is about compromise and communication. And that is what the guy says in his original posting.

I think you are being a little hard. Which of the 4 options would you prefer he took.

If the shoe was on the other foot, if my wife said I would like to try X,Y and Z, I would at least try to compromise in some way. If I had a problem with some of it, I would at least try to go half way.

Jonty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:09pm
I think that there are many options that you left off of your list. If they talked to the point where she said "you ain't getting that from me, so deal with it or move on" then he has a new subject to deal with. It is at the very least that far that I think the talking should have went. There is also an option of seeing a couples counselor or sex therapist. What about asking the wife what he should do about his unfulfilled fantasies or desires? At the very least, give her the opportunity to see how serious he is about is (perceived) need to fulfill these things. There are actually couples that agree one or both partners can have relations outside of the marriage (open relationships). There are also things in this world that one simply just can't have. Many men feel that a women is not fulfilling her commitment if the man doesn't get what he wants sexually. I agree that many women have low libido's and that is an issue in itself that needs to be dealt with. But, when a woman marries a man, she isn't agreeing to fulfill his every fantasy. (BTW, that goes both ways from where I'm sitting.) Sometimes it's okay to have a fantasy that never gets fulfilled. As adults, we should be able to separate our needs from our wants. By cheating, he has clearly placed his wants above her needs. This is what I have a problem with. If he does not want to honor his commitment, then he should be honest. Why wouldn't he be honest? Because he might not like the consequences. Oh well, I bet she wouldn't like the consequences he has created either. Cheating is a very selfish act. Somehow, I didn't get a clear impression that his wife was being selfish by not fulfilling all of his fantasies. In the event that they have mismatched libido's or differ greatly in their sexual desires, and they can not work that out between them, cheating is not the fix.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:54pm

Well....maybe I didn't read something right, but did he mention anywhere how his wife refused him sex altogether? Did he say that he didn't love having sex with her? That he didn't feel close to her? Maybe I missed it. But what I did hear was how she didn't do x, y and z, so he felt "justified" to go and get x, y and z. So what exactly was it that she didn't do? Facials? Anal? Oral? What?

I think it's a crazy day in hell when a person is fully justified to just go out and fulfill every desire at the expense of all that is worth living for....ya know? I can just hear myself telling my friend Mary.... "Hey, Mary....yeah, well....I love Bill to death. He's a great man, and sex is very satisfying as far as bringing us emotionally closer; and all of the things we do together are wonderful (of course the love we share makes it more wonderful)....but, ya know....I want to do x, y and z, and he just has no interest, so I decided to do that looker at the office who has been dying to get into my pants for months." Yeppers.....what a world, what a world....what a tainted-selfish world. We MUST HAVE everything our little hearts desire...or we shall wither away and die horribly unhappy. Ugh! :-(

....I guess then that it would be justifiable for a woman to go out and prostitute herself so that she can buy herself that diamond tennis bracelet she's been longing for....her husband refuses to compromise on the matter. ;-)




Edited 2/7/2007 11:18 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:14pm

I should have read your response first! I agree. Where is it written that our SO's have to fulfill all of our desires? And if those desires are in fact needs, then it is each of our responsiblities to decide what we can and cannot live without and then act responsibly with those decisions. You can't have your cake and eat it too. If she's not what he wants, then so be it. If she knew what he did, what makes him think he'd any further be what she wants? He just compounded the problems and he is now a liar. He will be lying to her face every single minute that he doesn't tell her. Is that truly what he wanted? How can a person who claims to love their SO, have sex with another woman/man(particuarly a prostitute), and then come home and act all lovey dovey and make love to them as well? How and at what point does their need for facials, anal, or whatever become the "priority" and the "end-all-be-all" in the marriage? What about sacrifice? What about it? Why not just do without to gain within? If a man needed something that much, then I'd hope that he'd leave my behind rather than cheat on me and make a fool out of me and lie to me every second we're together. How can anyone justify that? I can't do anal even though I have I tried many times. I know that my husband would love it. The thought that some of you are of the thought: "He's a man. He has needs." is frightening. I would hope that his love for me would far outweigh any need to fulfill his desire to have anal sex. I see it as an insult to my husband and men...period to view them so simplisticly. My husband will most likely never experience anal sex in this lifetime.....and so?




Edited 2/7/2007 11:22 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 8:20am
john-I admire your honesty. I am sure that this experience is one that will replay in your mind for many years to come. Hopefully your post will deter others from making the same mistake. You are so right when you say that communication is the key.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:43am
I agree with "fish", not all men are like that! yes they are diff. from women but there are a lot of good men out there like my husband that would disagree with u. My husband works over full time and I work part time and because of that he is not as interested in having sex as often cause he is overly physical and mentally tired. so our average is 3x a week. if it were up to me we'd do it everyday. but because he can't do it with me as often as i like i don't go find someone else to fulfill my sexual wants etc.

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