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| Wed, 02-07-2007 - 7:29am |
Hi,
I use this board under a different name, but because of the nature of this posting, I have decided a new registration was required. Please bear with me, there is advice for Men and Women at the end of this email.
Yesterday, for the first time, I went with a prostitute. I had been thinking about this for the last 12 months, and finally bucked up the backbone to get on with it. The reason I went to a prostitute was simply that there was things that I wanted to try that my wife was not into, not prepared to try, didn’t want to get into, a million reasons.
I didn’t want an affair – I love my wife. I am just, well, I am just a man who needed that little bit more than my Wife was willing to give or try. Its not a good excuse, I know.
I wont go into the details – nobody here will want to read them. But what I wanted to report is that it was nothing like what I expected. It was… well, empty. The sex was average, it wasn’t thrilling, it wasn’t good. I just could not connect. It was almost like I was a robot. Half way though, I wanted to end it, and that’s just what I did. The prostitute did everything she could (she knew what I wanted to try before we met as we had exchanged details on the phone and by email), but her ‘ohhs’ and ‘ahhhhs’ were not my wife.
Am I unhappy I did it? A little. It was a waste of money (quite a lot of money as it happens), but then again, if I had not tried this then I would not have known. I tried some of the things my Wife didn’t want to. But at the end of the day, I would rather have done them with my wife.
The reason for posting this here, where I am sure that the name calling will start (hence the false ID), it to use the experience to give the following two items of advice:
Men. If you are thinking of doing the same, I cant recommend it – at all. If you are the type of guy who just wants unattached false sex, then maybe it will be for you. But it will not be sexy, or exciting. Bite the bullet, chat with your wife or girlfriend, and see what happens. Ok, the prostitute will let you do almost whatever you want (subject to the limits of the girl you pick, but for most, this is not much they will do including ALL the extremes you can imagine).
Women, please, remember that we are only men. Men are different from women (as you know). If we cant get it from you, then we will stray, either to prostitutes or worse, will have affairs. We run on need, visuals, experience, and both quality and quantity. If you can provide that, different things, interesting things, then we wont stray. If your SO talks to you about trying something, its because he is keen to try it and if he cant get it from you, he may well just go elsewhere.
Above all, its all about communication.
Ok, that’s it. Let the blood letting start.
Me.

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Just in the case of the parents that won't divorce because they have children, this is not always the right answer. You are considering the need for intimacy and sexual pleasure to always be selfish.
Judith: FIrst off I never said such a thing and you are misreading my emails when it comes to selfishness. I know that there is to be some unselfishness in a marriage as well as some selfishness as long as it is healthy and not used to hurt the other person. I am 39 and ... I have always had an issue with couples being selfish and wanting sex when the other person doens't want it. Go back and read my emails or posts in the group under jud was the start of the ID. I still sort of do have that. The man wanting sex when the woman doesn't want it. I also became aware of that the man can't have sex sometimes if he is tired etc. pending the circumstances.
o clarify -- I do think that hiring a prostitute or having an affair to get something that your wife WON'T give you is wrong. If you want that something so bad that you can not live your life without it, then you need to move on, not cheat.
Judith: I understand this comment and see it only apply when it can't be worked out but again I know that it can if both partners are willing and my impression of what he said is that he is willing to compromise and not do it because he regrets what he did with the gal -he learned the emotional, psychological, mental, relational consequences in doing so not to add the physical of having a disease possbily.
I am talking about parents one of them being disabled not the children. I know a true story where the man chose not to have sex given his wife disability and pursue other outlets to maintain the control. He loved her so much that he was willing to put her needs above the other. Of course there was no emotional issues that came into play. Whereas in your story the personal issues of the individual came into play. It sounds like to me she wasn't meeting with other couples and seeking help and support to meet her needs and they could have had sex it just made not have been intercourse. There comes a time in a terminal illness spouses situation where the person who is dying will give up the ring to signfy that it is over and nothing can happen. (There is one aspect I am not mentioning because no one on this board could careless about that aspect which does play a huge role in all other areas.) It all boils down to a matter of self control -People are out of control these days and dont care who it effects which is what i see in this world today. People are letting the feeelings control them and when feelings dont satisfy they seek it in another (and as a result everyone is getting a disease).
I still see problems in the situation you describe.
Judith
I find it interesting that you would feel a person who's spouse cannot have a physical relationship (of any kind) with them would be selfish to seek comfort outside of the marriage, yet you think it is okay for this person to have hired a prostitute simply because he wanted sexual acts that his wife had no interest in.
Whether you feel that "he learned the emotional, psychological, mental, relational consequences in doing so not to add the physical of having a disease possbily," the fact is that he did not make a compromise with her first, he chose to cheat on his wife out of selfishness.
I am also getting the message that you think divorce would be a worse option than cheating with regard to any children involved. I don't agree, I think his family deserves better.
You said: I find it interesting that you would feel a person who's spouse cannot have a physical relationship (of any kind) with them would be selfish to seek comfort outside of the marriage,
You said: yet you think it is okay for this person to have hired a prostitute simply because he wanted sexual acts that his wife had no interest in.
I never said this. I never said for him to have hired a prostitute. I said this was wrong for him to do period. I said that he learned the consequences of doing it and that proves to me that he shouldn't have done it in the first place. You are misunderstanding what i write.
You said: Whether you feel that "he learned the emotional, psychological, mental,
relational consequences in doing so not to add the physical of having a disease possbily,"
He did. Go back and read his response and see the pain in the email for him doing what he did. I can see it I dont know why everyone else can't. Everyone who is having sex outside of a partnership/marriage is causing a lot of pain for alot of people not just themselves. it doens't just hit one person.
You said: the fact is that he did not make a compromise with her first, he chose to cheat on his wife out of selfishness.
Yes he was selfish for doing it. That is not the kind of selfishness I am talking about. Sometimes sadly it takes alot of people to have to learn the hard way which is what I see on this group. Everyone is being selfish in this group for having sex with anyone and everyone who is not their partner and if it doens't work with the first one why not go to the second one. I have been a part of this group for at least a year and read alot of it before I started posting/emailing and I have seen alot of this. I have also seen alot of pain from ones who have experience it and regret who are not even married. But it seems to be the ones who aren't married that dont tell the painful consequence of doing it more than once with more than one person.
You said: I am also getting the message that you think divorce would be a worse option than cheating with regard to any children involved. I don't agree, I think his family deserves better.
In this case given what I know I see divorce at this point not an option. Unless he shares more about what has transpired since he posted/emailed then I would know whether or not he would end up divorcing. I know people who have recovered from a one-time affair. That is what Since that is what he has said, one time event. He can recover. As long as he chooses not to do it every again. But if he has chosen to continue then -she has the right to separate. But the goal is restoration not divorce. I say there was emotional issues that started this whole process to begin with. It depends on how long the cheating has been goign on and whether the desire is to continue or only do it once. My impression of what he has written is that it is only an one time event.
I said if the spouse is doing *repeated* behavior outside of the partnership/marital relationship then yes divorce is an option. But there is always an reason for why there is a split and it goes deeper than just sex.
Judith
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