Am I Bad in Bed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2005
Am I Bad in Bed?
11
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 9:56am
I've been seeing my current boyfriend for almost two months and he is easily the best sex I've ever had. The problem is that I don't know if I quite *do* it for him. The end of sex always seems to be a struggle for him, and last night he actually pushed me off of him so he could masturbate. What do I do?
"There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before." Willa Cather O Pioneers

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:50am

His having a problem finishing has nothing to do with you! Whatever his problem is, it's his problem! Partly, it's a new relationship, and he may just not be comfortable with you yet. Also, some guys are so used to masturbating that NOTHING but their own hand will do it for them.

Unless you're laying there like a limp dishrag.....with no response, and no feedback, (And that's highly unlikely) there's nothing you can do about his problem.

If you weren't "doing it" for him, he wouldn't come back for more! You could ask him if there's something you can do to help him. You can offer to do it manually or orally! But the best thing you can do is just not make it into a big deal. It's not unusual, and it will probably change when he gets more comfortable with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 1:51am

I'll save myself some typing - just reread what Dakine said, I was going to say pretty much the same thing. Sex is often a lot like learning Latin American dancing without talking to your dance partner. Plenty of people have sex and are trying to learn how to get good at it but they hardly ever say two words to their sexual partner at the time. How can you learn to dance if you don't talk to your dance partner? How can you get good at sex if you don't talk to your sex partner?

There is no such thing as being "bad" at sex. You just need to learn what he likes. Don't assume that he knows everything either. He could probably do with some pointers about what you like too!). Sometimes it's got nothing to do with you either. He'll have his own little peculiarities and preferences just as you probably have yours. Good sex is about learning what those things are and learning to make the most of what you've got. It takes time - and practicing is the fun part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:25pm

Why do you think that it's highly unlikely that she's just laying there? A lot of women evidently think that's all they have to do during sex. Haven't you ever heard of a 'starfish'?

Also, why is it that when a woman is having a problem having an orgasm it's usually because the man is a lazy/selfish/insensitive/inept lover, while, if the man is having a problem having an orgasm it's all his problem and she shouldn't worry her pretty little head about it? You know, it is possible for a woman to be a lazy/selfish/insensitive/inept lover as well. I'm not saying that's the case with the OP. The fact that she posted here and seems genuinely concerned would argue against that. Still, it is possible for a woman to be a lousy lay. That's not a term that is reserved only for men, you know.

In addition, it seems to be a mantra among the women here that if a man keeps coming back for more, then he must be satisfied with the sex. Well, that's not always true. There are a number of reasons that a man might stay with a woman even if he's not satisfied with the sex. He could just enjoy being with her and/or be in love with her. Or it could be that she's the only woman who will let him have sex with her. This situation may not happen to women, but you shouldn't underestimate how strong a motivation this can be with some men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:10am

Very honestly, I've NEVER seen a post where a woman is unhappy about not having orgasms, and anyone says it's because her partner is lazy, selfish, insensitive, or inept.....UNLESS according to her description he's a "wham bam, thank you ma'am" kind of guy, refuses to give her foreplay, oral or whatever she might need or want. That's not usually the case, though. More often than not she's complaining that she can't even do it to herself.....and that's because she hasn't learned how, and that has NOTHING to do with her partner. The best lover in the world can make a woman VERY happy, but he can't "give" her orgasms (and many men AND women don't understand that sex can be very good even without orgasms!)

In the case of men having a problem, even allowing for your examples, MOST men can finish even if it's just a FWB situation.....they don't have to be "in love"! If it was hard for a man to work up any enthusiasm without the proper "feelings", then how do you account for "one night stands"? I think most men can even finish if a woman just lays there like a lump. I'm not saying he's going to LOVE it, but he can still finish... MOST men! I'm not saying ALL men. In most cases, if a guy can't finish during intercourse, then unless it's GAWD AWFUL, the problem is his, not hers. The same goes for oral, and we see that a lot here......he can't finish that way......unless she's raking him with her teeth, or some other weird thing, it's HIS problem, not hers.

In this post, it sounds like she's doing everything right, and he's got a problem. And guess what, if she's NOT doing everything right, then he STILL has a problem, because he's not telling her what she's doing wrong! Part of a good relationship is to be able to talk about everything, including sex!

I base my opinions on my own experiences, and I've rarely experienced failures on my partner's part, whether it was an LTR, or something more brief. Every man has it happen occasionally, and so do most women, but every time, I've never experienced it. I don't know why you always seem to think I pick on guys.....that's not true. I pick on women equally, lol I happen to LIKE guys!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:20pm
Well, Rice, if a man would stay with a woman because "she's the only woman who will let him have sex with her" then maybe he should find out WHY? Don't ya think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 7:42pm

"I don't know why you always seem to think I pick on guys.....that's not true. I pick on women equally, lol I happen to LIKE guys!"

You coulda fooled me. I assumed that you were the head of the local chapter of the It's Always the Man's Fault Society.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 7:44pm

"then maybe he should find out WHY? Don't ya think?"

We all know WHY, and it's out of his control, unless he's willing to pay for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:47am

I guess it comes down to what you're calling "fault"! She wanted to know if she wasn't "doing it" for him.....and I told her it had nothing to do with her.....that HE has a problem. By saying he has a problem, I'm not implying that it's his "fault", because NO ONE is at fault here. (Assuming that she's doing what she should be doing! and from what she wrote, she IS!) I said nothing about him being at fault, or even wrong, just that he's got some kind of problem....and the problem wasn't caused by her!

I don't think it's always the mans fault......and again, in this case there is no "fault", there's a problem. That's THIS situation. There have been many other situations where I've told a woman plain out that no man will put up with her crap, or that if she wants to keep her man, she'd better change her ways. I call them like I see them!

The only local chapter I belong to (and am not the head of) is Mensa!

PS: Just as an FYI, there's another thread going here where the female actually said she "just lays there" because she's "embarassed" about her body! Everyone else said he was saying terrible things to her, and I defended him, and I also think I told her that she's going to have to change, because he's not going to put up with that behavior forever.




Edited 8/26/2006 12:54 am ET by dakine001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 4:57pm

The question remains though. WHY is this the ONLY woman willing to have sex with him? What is HE consistently doing wrong with others? How is he contributing to his lack of success with women?

You cannot always attribute it to a lack of desire or interest....that's just simplistic and narrow-minded. And it doesn't address what HE may be doing, or not doing, to contribute to that lack of interest and desire in potential partners.

But you will never be able to control another person's reactions, feelings and personal desires concerning sex. So, you can both agree to compromise and adjust out of love, or you can't.

But to expect sex on demand from any woman, expect her to put her own desires, needs and feelings behind her partner's ALL the time....then, yes, you probably will have to pay for that. Because you are basically talking about a service anyway, not an act of love.

Maybe your expectations are just out of whack or just plain unrealistic when it comes to women in general, rice. Or, maybe you're just bitter and women are picking up on it.

But as Dr. Phil routinely says, "How's that working for ya?" Makes no sense not to examine yourself FIRST if you are unhappy with your sex life or any other aspect of your life. After all, the one common factor in all of your relationships is you.




Edited 9/5/2006 6:25 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2001
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 9:46pm

Perhaps I should have said that he 'believed’ that she was the only woman who would have sex with him. It may be only a perception, but in many cases perception can become reality. I can't see how a woman could ever understand how hopeless it can seem to many men that they will ever be able to convince a woman to let them have sex with her. We're not talking 'sex on demand', we're talking sex regardless what he does or says, and whatever conditions he believes that he has to meet in order to satisfy the woman. So, if he is lucky enough to find a woman who will let him have sex with her, he's got to wonder if she is the only one, and this is his one chance. As Dan Fogelberg wrote in 'Hard to Say': "It's hard to walk away from love, It may never come again."

As I said, often times perception becomes reality, because, let's face it, whether it's because they're following 'The Rules' or because they're afraid of being thought 'easy', women, as a group, project an attitude of disinterest when it comes to sex, and men pick up on that. Some men, generally the ones who think that women who say 'No' really mean 'Yes', ignore that attitude and press on anyway. On the other hand, those men who may lack confidence, and who assume that the projected attitude is genuine see only an insurmountable obstacle. I must say that it doesn't surprise me at all that you assume that it's totally the men's fault and that women don't contribute to it at all with the attitude they project. Because there's one other factor that's common to all my relationships, they were all with women.




Edited 9/5/2006 9:51 pm ET by rice71

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