Am I being paranoid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Am I being paranoid?
8
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:36pm
I wrote a post a while ago about whether to ask my boyfriend to get tested for HIV. Ok, I don't think he should have a problem with that since it's kind of standard. Now I'm thinking about asking him to get tested for HIV, AND all possible STD's, which are a lot, at least like 10. The thing is, he has a past and has been with a lot of women before, at least 20, some of them one-night stands. I on the other hand, am clean and have only had 2 sexual partners in my whole life, both of them clean too. I think he has been kind of promiscous in the past, I don't know what a good girl like me is doing with a guy like him, but that's an issue for a different post. Anyways, is it normal to ask your boyfriend to get tested for HIV and all possible STD's? What if he tests positive in any STD? Should I dump him? Am I being paranoid?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 10:31pm

Hi Hanna:


In this day, I would want to have a future sexual partner tested; he should (must!) show the results to you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 1:31am
Well, one of two things is going to happen when you ask him to get tested for all 10. He's either going to get upset, mad and insulted and reconsider the relationship with you, or he will get slightly insulted then get tested. The problem seems to lie with how many you are talking about, not the actual need to be tested and cleared. Asking someone to be tested for DOZENS of sexually transmitted diseases comes across as slightly insulting.

Being asked to be tested so many seems extreme to me, but then this isn't my area of expertise. I wonder if he NEEDS to be tested for all 10? I would have thought that he would KNOW if he had some of these diseases. So if he isn't experiencing any itching, burning or hasn't had pieces of his body dropping off recently that may well eliminate several of the tests.

Have a talk to your Doctor or a Family Health Clinic about this. You might be able to make a phonecall depending on your location. I suspect that they probably have a standard test for all these that pretty well covers all the bases without sounding so insulting.

What you should do if he tests positive? We can't tell you what to do. That's your decision. Just don't forget that A LOT of people have things like genital warts and herpes and lead normal lives and have normal relationships. Even people that have only had oneor two partners (like yourself) can have warts or herpes.

If I were you I would examine my feelings about the number of partners he has had and try to seperate that from the potential STD issue. It sounds like you are more worried about the number of partners and the 'type' of person that makes him than the reality of any STD he might have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:59am

For your health and safety, yes he should be tested and you should see the results.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:41pm
If your concerned the just ask.

I would personally try to phrase it in a delicate way like, I know I may be being overly cautious (even if your not, this is just being diplomatic) but …

and offer to get tested yourself as well as well. This shows your willing to do it too even if you are sure your clean.

If you have issues with his sexual past that’s a whole different problem. You need to understand if you have issues being with someone who is sexually experienced. Its not necessarily a bad thing he may well have gone through a lot of the learning curve that will make him better lover for it.

Cheers K

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:51pm
I would say the best way to ask him is to suggest that you go and get tested TOGETHER. Because even though you may have no need to, if you've had any kind of sexual contact, even kissing, in the past, then you have potentially been exposed to an STD or virus. Plus, he won't feel that you are holding his past against him or judging him.

IF he has an STD, then once he gets it treated, tell him what you expect in terms of fidelity, protection, etc. and give him a chance. People can change and he may be ready to settle down into a very satisfying, monogamous relationship. But only you can decide if he's worth it or not.

And yes, in THIS day and age, it IS quite normal to ask a potential partner to be tested. IF I were dating, I would definitely ask for it. Your health is your responsibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:22pm
I would insist he get tested, and I would agree to be tested at the same time. I would probably have him get retested again in six months, due to the fact that many STD's(HIV in particular) may not show up until that length of time has past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 5:59pm
I agree with Kat. Suggest that you both get tested - how can he be offended if you're asking him to do something that you are also willing to do?

When asking, I'd be inclined to not even mention his numbers or that you're overly concerned about risks....how about wording it casually like "I'd really like to stop using condoms - how about we both get tested for STD's?"

And for the record....this is exactly what I did when my now DH and I became committed.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 6:59pm
ure not being paranoid at all, it's the mature and responsible thing to do. plus it is YOUR health on the line, and if he loves you/cares for you he wouldnt' have a problem doing it. good luck! and im glad you're taking the right steps in protecting yourself. ive had friends get some (thankfully curable) STD's, everyone things 'it can't happen to me'.. that mentality is so ignorant!

<3cari