am i just hooking up w/ wrong guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
am i just hooking up w/ wrong guys?
8
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 7:37pm


Hey everyone...
I'm 21 years old...my last year here in college, everythin in school seems to be fallin in place, yet my love life rips into pieces everytime i meet someone. I get hurt so badly and feel so stupid afterwards.
I would have never imagine myself in this position, but i've had three partners sexually my whole life, and i feel so disable to satisfy a man. I get super shy, and start feeling like a baby- getting nervous and holding back. The guys ive been with always complain about the fact that i always throw them out of the room inorder for myself to get changed. and i simply dont know how to spice things up in bed. It's always the same old thing, i get dry in the middle of the process and completely turned off to the point that i just want them to come and fall asleep.
My last partner, i had known for 2 years, we had been talking on and off, yet only had sex twice. The first time it was bad, and the second which was only 2 days ago was embarrasing. While on the process the same old thing happened to me, i got dry asked him to pull out and while he was putting the lubrication gel, i almost fell asleep, so he simply took off the condom and stood on his side of the bed. The next day he said that it was best if we just stayed as friends. The comment hurted me so much, because even though his a guy i wanted to hold on to, i never actually acted upon it- atleast not in the way that he wanted me to.
This is a very confusing post, my thoughts are all over the place. The point is that when it comes to going out with guys, i seem to suck...i dont know how to show them that i really do like them, i dont know how to keep a man by my side, and i definetely do not know how to satisfy them in bed.
Hopefully i made sense...i cant stop being hurt, all i think about is him, yet he doesnt want to try anything anymore- he gave up on the idea that anything can work between us.
:-(...any advice would be appreaciated, thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 1:33am

Well, this is bound to be fairly complicated and the answer lies within yourself. I think that you have to start by looking inward and examining your feelings more. You say that you get dry in the middle of sex - well, that's bound to happen if you start to get turned off. So getting dry isn't the actual problem. Getting turned off is the problem. And you say that you get turned off. You didn't say "Oh, I loose interest" or "I get bored" or "I get nervous", you said "I get turned off". What is it that turns you off? What is going through your mind at that time? How do you *feel* at the time you begin to get turned off?

Once you have some idea what it might be that turns you off, you can begin to work towards finding a solution.

Somethingelse to think about - how were you raise in regard to sex? What did your parents teach you? When do you think that you began to have negative thoughts about sex? Were you nervous and hesistant about sex before you had it or were you looking forward to finding out what it was about? Ever had a bad experience or partner that was negative about the sex? Not about your attitude towards it, but actually negative about things that you did in bed with him?

Keep talking. It won't hurt for you to throw a few thoughts in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 9:04am

You didn't mention how long you were with this guy or what the relationship was like.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 2:50pm

Dear Githela,

Tish is right on the money here and echoing my thoughts. Sex is not a technique that is used to "keep" a guy, nor is it something that you are born knowing everything about.

Good, natural sex is a biproduct of good relationship and good intimacy. No matter what you've read or talked about with friends, most women (and actually men for that matter) don't just have great sex. It's a process of learning about each other and feeling safe. Frankly, I don't think that you feel safe with these men that you are with. The female sexual response is not so different from the male sexual response, just not so visible. It's pretty obvious when a man is afraid of sex, he can't get an erection, but less obvious when a woman has that problem...but essentially no different. What you are experiencing is performance anxiety. this will go away if you take emphasis off of sex and particularly intercourse. Learn to be intimate with your thoughts and feelings and the physical part will happen as it happens.

Just remember Githela, at 21 you are still very young and have much to learn about the world and life. Be gentle with yourself and all will be well.

Peace,
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 2:57pm
these questions actually rambled my mind. My thoughts on sex before I lost my virginity at the age of 19 were very negative, due to the fact that my mother had me at the age of 16, and I have always been considered a mistake. So, when I lost my vrginity all I thought about was the consequences that could come out from the experience. I have always told myself that I did not want to make the same "mistakes" as my mother, and therefore have always turned my back on sex, until I came to college.
So yeah, my first expereince was the worst one I've had so far. I was with this guy for 1 and 1/2, but it was an on and off relationship. My first time I had some type of attack, I didnt let him finish because of all the thoughts that were on my mind and I simply ran to the bathroom and started crying as if someone had just died. Having him penetrate me always hurted me and so we were not very sexual, may be had sex 15 times throughout the whole 8 more months were stayed together.
After him I started giving up on the idea that sex is making love, and the two other guys I had sex with were exclusive but no deep feelings were ever attained. I have never really enjoyed sex, unless Im very drunk.
And after this last guy, I think i will just stay away from it for awhile, until I know exactly what it is that I want or feel comfortable enough- i dont know, but sex and I- :-/...
- well thank for all of your replies, and I hope I answered your questions.
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 3:49pm

All of your previous experiences with sex would have been considerably better if you had used a personal lubricant such as KY jelly or similar. Using a lubricant in the fiture will certainly avoid the problem resulting from dryness and will give you more confidence to complete a session without running off in pain. Your past bad experiences have turned you off from sex and it will take time to get you in the frame of mind to try it again.

As the others have said, sex is a learning experience and your experiences in the past have all been disasters. Try not to let your past ruin your entire sexual life which lies ahead of you. When you do find someone you trust, let him know about your negative attitude and see if he will take the time to share this experience (with the help of a lubricant) to attempt to give you some enjoyable sessions. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 5:44pm

I'm sure that from typing your post that you know you have some psychological issues from growing up and knowing that you "were a mistake". This has lead to anxiety in your own sex life. I think that with these issues and not having dealt with them before you became sexually active has created a snow ball effect. Firstly you were worried about the consequences of doing it in the first place. Because you were worried about everything you were unable to enjoy the experience, and a combination of both those things is making it impossible for you to enjoy sex at all. You really need to deal with these issues before any more sexual activity, otherwise you will never be able to enjoy it and be comfortable with it. If that means seeing a counsellor and coming to terms with the way you felt when you were growing up, so be it. I also think that you should wait to have sex with someone that you feel fully comfortable with, can fully trust, and who understands these problems that you have had and adjusts for that, rather than jumping into bed with just anyone.

Good luck

Janet

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 7:56pm
I am so glad I posted this message, i was hesitant at first, since i didnt know where to start and so on. I am aware of the fact that my upbringing has affected me, yet I have always been confused about why I thought so much during sex. I was always confused about why thoughts of my mother came to me, and I guess I am worried about whether I actually will ever learn how to completely trust and love my prospective partner. I have yet to see a healthy relationship, yet I hope I can one day grow to learn how to create such.
But yeah, like I said before I am in college and I am just going to focus more on my education and career, and take it slow in every other aspects.
Thank you all again for your replies ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:44am

Good luck.

I think that you just have to remember that the sexual experiences that you HAVE had haven't been perfect (some would say a bit of a disaster actually). Remember too that you don't HAVE to have sex in a relationship with a guy unless you really want to. I think that you need to take your next relationships more slowly until you find a guy that is looking for more than just sex. You need to find a guy that you are totally into, and a guy that feels the same way about you, and is prepared and capable of talking about your past, is capable of understanding the hurdles that it presents, and is prepared to work with you to make your next experiences better and better. A "good" guy will do this because there is more to your relationship than sex. If a guy doesn't want to talk about it or pressures you for sex may not be the one for you. Certainly not in your current situation anyway.