Am I overly independent or asexual?
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| Sun, 12-31-2006 - 9:56pm |
I can't figure out if I'm one of those women who is simply fiercely independent or if I could possibly be asexual. I've really been giving this quite a bit of thought over the past couple of years, but all I've done is confused and upset myself in the process.
I'm a 30-year-old professional woman with a master's degree and a rewlated career that I love. I live alone, and I really like it to probably an unhealthy level. I obviously love film, and I travel anywhere from two to four times a year for work and at least five times a year for pleasure, mostly visiting family or friends who are scattered throughout the country. I take classes like Pilates and life enrichment courses, such as personal finance and history. I feel like I have a very full life.
Still, I don't like men very much as people. I guess I am attracted to men on a physical level, and I've had some wicked crushes on celebrities and on my classmates when I was younger. I guess they've been more filler than anything, though, just people to focus my energies at times. I've never had a boyfriend, nor do I see myself wanting within the next five years. And I've certianly never been attracted to one enough or trusted one enough to sleep with him. Moreover, I don't find most men at all interesting or intellectually stimulating. I don't even have many male friends who aren't romantically involved with my female friends.
However, I know that I'm not attracted to women on any kind of romantic or physical level. I never have been. I have wonderful female friendships that I can't imagine living without, but I've never had an interest in or a fantasy about any woman.
I don't even understand why people want to have romantic relationships at this point. I feel like entering into one would annoy me to no end and I'd find myself bored really quickly. I can't figure out why someone would want to spend that kind of time and energy on something that seems so pointless. Therefore, I'm wondering if I'm asexual or if I'm just one of those women who's so content with her singlehood that it really doesn't matter one way or another. (I know those two things aren't mutually exclusive.) I mean, if I had to identify myself, I'd be straight, but I'm not really doing anything to exercise that orientation in any way. I have occasional sexual urges, but I don't feel much desire to act on them, either by myself or with another human being.
Anyway, does anyone have any thoughts on this subject?

Thoughts? Not too many really.
This is one of those things that people debate over and over but never really come to any definite conclusion. For example, I saw a 60 Minutes documentary about 12 months ago about a group of people, a "club" of sorts, that considered themselves to the the "third sex" - asexual. They had printed little T-shirts, had club memberships and even a website devoted to being asexual. Mind you, a few of them were in relationships but purely for the non-sexual reasons. Most of them said many of the things that you said about their sex lives. It wasn't until the end of the program that we discovered that two of the founding members of the group had developed a sexual relationship in each other in the last twelve months or so. Turns out that they discovered that they had common interests and a certain compatibility that they had never found with another person. Apparently they quietly took their names off the website's front page....
So even those that are dead-certain that they have no sexual desires are prone to having them. You may find your situation is the same. One day, when you least expect it, it happens and it works for you.
Of course, there may be medical reasons for your lack of "desire" or whatever you would like to call it.
If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about it if I was satisfied with life overall. Don't completely block out the possibility of it happening, but don't agonise unduly about it.
It's interesting that you say that you don't particularly like men as people though. That makes me wonder if there is a psychological reason and you might be repressing any romantic (and therefore sexual) interest in men? Do you actually dislike men or just feel indifferent towards them? If you have this "dislike" towards men in general then it is hardly surprising that you haven't felt any romantic or sexual interest in them. And if it was truly a matter of being asexual, why would you dislike men? A lack of interest in sex doesn't automatically mean that you dislike the opposite sex. As ol' Sigmund would say "Zo, tell me about your Mudda" What was your upbringing like? Anything that would have caused a dislike towards men?
I don't think "independence" has any bearing on sexuality. Unless you have underlying reasons for disliking the idea of "sharing" your life with a partner, which is very possible......then you just haven't met the right man yet. You're happy with yourself, and you don't NEED a man in your life......but if the right one comes along, you might just change your mind completely.
I don't think there's anything unusual about not being interested in sex at all, if you're not in a relationship. You hear some women talking about "I just have to HAVE it"....but we're not all like that. For some women, the sexual interest appears when they find someone that they really care about, and who cares about them.
I was in an LTR for about 8 years, and it ended. I was over 50 at the time, and had no interest in looking for another relationship. Like you, I was independent, and I didn't NEED a man to "complete" me. Another thing was my age. I kind of thought I was "over the hill" at that point. I didn't even THINK about sex! Then very accidently I met someone with whom there was an evident "chemistry", and all of a sudden, after 12 years, I got VERY interested in sex again, lol
When you read about all the "relationship" problems on boards like these, most of the problems come from the woman's NEED to have a man in her life....and so many will "settle" for any man who shows them some interest, just to fulfill that "need". They're not happy with themselves, and they're looking for someone to MAKE them happy. It doesn't work that way.
Again, unless you have some underlying problems or hangups about marriage and relationships, then you just haven't met the right person. When you do, all your feelings about sharing your life might change overnight. You'll suddenly realize that everything you do is made better by sharing it with someone else! Good Luck, I hope you meet that special person.
It's certainly possible that you are asexual or that you have a very low libido that just doesn't drive you to find a partner. Nothing wrong with that if you feel fulfilled and happy with your life. So, it really doesn't matter what we think as long as you're happy.
But I have to wonder why you have such a low opinion of men in general? Do you have any kind of abuse in your background? Were you hurt in some way as a child or young person?
Thanks for the insights so far!
There have been times in my life when I've been absolutely opposed to having a relationship, such as when I was a full-time student and working 25 hours a week. Usually, I'm more indifferent about it, though. I used to think that, with the right person, the right place, and the right time, it would happen. I never took much of a proactive role in looking for that, though. I guess I always figured, if it were to happen, it would fall into my lap; if it never fell into my lap, no big loss.
I honestly can't account for my dislike of men in general. I can't recall anything out of the ordinaray happening to make me dislike them or feel as indifferent towards them like I do. I just think of most of them as immature slobs that I've never had much in common with and, therefore, aren't worth wasting my time on. Finding the right person could change that as well.
In fact, it sounds like most of this depends on finding the right person. Maybe I'm just so used to women being desperate to find someone -- anyone -- that I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. I have to keep in mind that something is more likely wrong with their outlook about relationships and themselves.
Well, not ALL women are "desperate to find someone," trust me. When I swore off dating temporarily in college, my future husband moved in next door to me!
I think when you're younger, things seem to be more black and white, so if you don't have a partner at the moment, you tend to think you never will. Once you're older, you realize that few things are so simple.
Enjoy your life and when that special person comes along, you'll know it.