Am I such a huge freak?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Am I such a huge freak?
31
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 10:20pm

I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb, in the following aspect.

I sort of bloomed late in life, and I got a later "start" than most other young women. I was raised by my mom to be somewhat religious, although since I'm an adult now, that has changed, although it took me many years to gain any new insights of my own.

I am now in my late twenties and I am with a guy close to my own age. We've been together for six years. We aren't married yet, and I don't know when we will be. The thing is, he is the only guy I've ever been close with, in either a physical OR an emotional sense. I've never dated or had physical intimacy with any other person. I have NEVER done any of the things that the vast majority of other young women have done...I've never dated around or had multiple partners, I've never had the proverbial fling with a sexy foreign stranger or with a charming older boss at work. It seems to me that everyone else, and I mean EVERYONE, has done these kinds of things...EXCEPT me!

When I was younger I noticed how different I was, but I wasn't too bothered by it. I was pretty carefree about it. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong and that I didn't need to sleep around to feel important. I was still influenced by my mom's teachings, but the older I got, the more I started to question them. Now that I'm starting to get officially old (as far as the modern culture is concerned), I'm feeling panicked, and I wonder if I wasted my life. I've never been able to keep friends because my lack of expertise in the world of men repels them for some reason. I can't have many conversations with others because I cannot match them on their level of life experience. It's like everyone sees me as a little girl in a woman's body, and it feels pretty rotten.

What is wrong with me? Was I wrong to not care about getting a wide variety of sexual experiences? Does that make me a freak? Well, I KNOW it does, but how do I cope with this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 11:51pm

Welcome to the board oh_stop.

I'm pretty sure if you look around, not "everyone" is doing all of the things you suspect they are doing. Each person chooses to live their life as they wish.

If you didn't know any of these other women, or hear them talking about their sex lives, how would you feel? Most people don't sit around casually talking about their sex lives, so it's not like they know anything about you unless you choose to share that with them.

Sounds more like your are having a bit of a struggle with your own self-confidence and that is causing you to think others perceive you a certain way. Instead of second guessing the choices you've made, the life you have lived, try looking within yourself to determine what you really want out of life.

Are you happy in your current relationship? You have been with him for 6 years. How is that relationship going? Would you want to risk losing him? Would you be happy if you weren't trying to compare your life to a life that you "think" others live? Real life isn't a fairy tale. People don't get swept away by foreign lovers with any regularity. Perhaps these "friends" are jealous of your relationship. The fact that you have a guy that has been there long term -- perhaps they can't find that kind of relationship. If people envy you, often they try to make you feel jealous as a way to mask their own flaws.

At the end of the day, the only person you have to make happy is yourself. If you are committed to your partner and you want to be involved with him, then you should try to make him happy too. What everyone else is doing has very little to do with your own happiness -- unless you let in encroach on you.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 11:55pm

First of all, most young women haven't had all those "experiences". A few have, but that hasn't made them any better than you are. Why are you judging yourself against women who've slept around, had bad relationships, flings with married men, etc. Does that make them "good" in any way? MOST young women are more like you.....they have one or two relationships, then they settle down. What you're reading in places like this is NOT the norm....it's people with problems, most of them brought on by the very things you're "envying"!

Lack of sexual experience most certainly has NOTHING to do with having "conversations" with people. People do NOT look at you as a little girl in a woman's body.....that's how you're looking at yourself. Most people don't sit around having conversations about their sexual experiences, and there is a LOT more to "life experiences" than sex!

What you're showing is a lack of self confidence, based your very skewed view of what life is about, and it's certainly NOT about how much sex you've had, or haven't had. Believe it or not, there are many more women like you than those you "imagine" have had so much wonderful (NOT) experience.

You don't have anything positive to say about this man you've been with for six years..and maybe that's what your problem is. If you're not happy with him, maybe it's time to move on and look for something better in your life. I have a feeling that you're with him just because he's there....and that's not much of a basis for a relationship. You don't NEED any man in your life if the relationship with him is not happy, and it's making you feel like you've missed something in life.

You need to work on your self confidence....and understand that what you think about other people's exciting sex lives hasn't fulfilled them in the exciting way that you think it has. People who "sleep around" and bounce from one bad relationship to another are NOT happy people, they're miserable people looking for something to "fulfill" them, and sex doesn't fulfill anyone.....unless it's in a good relationship!

You will be fulfilled when you learn to love yourself, and be happy with yourself. No man can do that for you, and certainly sex can't do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 4:30am

You are not alone!!!!

I have only been with one man my whole life!
He is my husband now! He is the only penis I have
ever touched or seen in real life. I have only
kissed one other person! I have only loved and
cared for him. I don't feel like I've missed
any thing! I feel very blessed to have found my soul mate
at such a young age. We met when I was 12 and he was 16
and we have been together every sense. We both lost our
virginities to each other. I find that Very special!
I don't regret it at all and I don't want to be with anyone
else ether. Do you just feel alone or do you feel like your
missing out?

Kareese

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 9:16am
Yeah, I guess I feel like I've been missing out. We have been together for six years, but without even getting engaged. Most people I hear about only date for two years before becoming engaged. He has talked about marriage a lot too, but less often than he did at first. Yet he won't even propose to me, although that is mostly because we are a bit financially strapped. But gosh, how much longer will I have to wait? He's an awesome, GOOD guy and I don't want to lose him, but he doesn't seem to want as much excitement in his life as I want in mine.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 9:31am

When I say "conversations," I just mean that whenever others talk about the people they've known and the adventures they've had, I feel alienated because my own experiences in the same areas have been so few. Most people I've met don't go into GREAT detail about their sex lives, but this one girl I knew recently did delve into the details, and she seems like such an average person in so many ways. It's things like that that make me wonder just how many people there are who are like this. Certainly puts me into a weird and old-fashioned position.

When it comes to the guy I'm with, I do love him dearly and I know he feels the same way about me, but our relationship has kind of stalled. We've dated for a longer time than most others have before getting married. I don't know when or how we will ever get married. We don't have much in common, but we do love each other.

I guess my self-confidence is rather low because I'm such a late bloomer, and these days it seems that everyone else is an extremely EARLY bloomer, not just in sexual areas but in all areas of life. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 9:43am

Hi, Misty. It made me feel good to read what you had to say, especially that last paragraph. Why should I let what others do or think encroach on my own happiness? The answer is obvious. I keep trying to tell myself this, but it's hard to stay confident.

I truly do feel like the only person (or ONE of the only people) who have lived the life that I have. I like to read Cosmopolitan but I feel weird reading it because it was obviously not intended for people like me.

I do lack in self-confidence because of the whole "late bloomer" thing, and when it comes to knowing what I want out of life...I feel that some of the things I want might conflict with who I am, or with what is morally right, or that maybe I just want them for the wrong reasons. You know what I mean? It's difficult because I'm trying to reconcile two different parts of myself that want two very different things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 9:51am

Sounds to me like you and your guy need to talk about your future as a couple. Set goals for what you want, let him set goals for what he wants, and then talk about them and try to come to a compromise.

Envy is that thing with a big, green, ugly face. You can choose to live your life in a stalled mode and envy others, or you can set realistic goals for what you want to do with your life and then go after those goals. You may not live the same life as someone else, but you will live a life that makes you happy. Goals are reassessed as life goes on, so as you grow and develop as a person, your goals will likely change a bit.

I'm sure you've heard that money doesn't buy you love. Well, that's true, but it can help you enjoy love. Would your relationship be in such a "stalled" state if you didn't also have financial constraints? Probably not. You would be able to enjoy travel, go more places and do more things. The two of you can battle your financial problems together, and overcome them. But only if you set that as a goal and work to achieve that goal. You have to have patience and preseverance.

Other people decide to work hard all their lives and save as much money as they can so that they can enjoy their retirement years. Some people have planned their life so they can have financial freedom now and still save for retirement. It's all about what you want for your life and setting goals, and working to meet those goals. Life is ever changing, and things happen to cause set backs or have you turn in a different direction than you thought you would be going. The only thing you can do is work on the things that you "can" change about your life.



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Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 10:08am

"I do lack in self-confidence because of the whole "late bloomer" thing, and when it comes to knowing what I want out of life...I feel that some of the things I want might conflict with who I am, or with what is morally right, or that maybe I just want them for the wrong reasons. You know what I mean? It's difficult because I'm trying to reconcile two different parts of myself that want two very different things."

There are several self-help books on the market that you might benefit from. Learning how to reduce conflict within yourself and feel good about the decisions that you make might be a necessary step. Are you a late bloomer because you chose to be, or did it just happen to you? Even if you didn't have dates early on, would you have had sexual experiences with them if you had? It seems to me that your parents tried to instill good values and a moral compass. As you became an adult, you benefited from that as you developed your own beliefs and set your life in motion. That's not being a late bloomer -- that's a great gift from your parents! Many of the people that are promiscuous in life didn't have great parents, didn't learn how to make the right choices, and have regrets once they mature and have children of their own. Some of them just made bad choices, and some of them made the choice to live that life because they thought they would benefit from it. Each person is different and has their own unique path in life.

I also feel that limiting your exposure might be helpful.

I once had a friend that always complained about her husband. Seems that after daily conversations with her, I jumped on the boat and started to complain about my husband. It was emotionally and mentally draining! I didn't have ANY problems with my husband and NO complaints about him -- but I did feel like I needed to be able to join in the conversation. After enough complaining, I started to think I had something to complain about! Eventually, I stopped talking with her on such a regular basis, and I started to feel good about my life again.

The grass CAN always look greener on the other side -- IF you are looking for it to be greener. Look at the positive things you do have in your life. You say your BF is a great guy and you are deeply in love with him. Let your gears turn on that experience and feeling -- not what others do with their lives. When you are confident and concentrate on the positive things in your life, then every one else is trying to figure out how you keep your grass so green, KWIM?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 12:41pm

Ok, so if you're with some friends who have climbed a mountain....and they're talking about the wonderful experience they had while climbing that mountain......are you going to feel inadequate because you've never climbed a mountain? Of course not. You'll listen to them with interest, and enjoy their stories. You won't beat yourself up because YOU never climbed a mountain, will you? You probably never had any desire to climb a mountain, and you'll never regret that you DIDN'T climb a mountain. Do you imagine they'll look at you like you're a loser just because you've never climbed a mountain? You know that's not what they'll think at all.

As for this b/f of yours, if he is making excuses why he can't marry you after six years, guess what? He will continue to make excuses. If he gets a windfall of money, there will be another excuse. Money, or the lack of it never stopped anyone from getting married. If you think about it rationally, if finanaces are a problem, then combining both of your incomes would probably SOLVE that problem. He's making excuses, nothing more. If he'd wanted to marry you, he would have done it 3-4 years ago. You're wasting your time with him. You hang on to him because you're afraid of being alone. I think it's time for you to be alone, and experience some of the things you think you missed so far in life. Including sex!

As far as reading Cosmo is concerned, stop wasting your money. I used to work for the publisher of that trash magazine. It's designed to be sensational, and sell magazines, nothing more. It causes more problems than it solves, because the articles they write make most people feel inadequate!

You need to work on yourself and your self confidence. If you can't do that on your own, then maybe you should look into getting some professional counselling. You're at war with yourself, because even though you think you've gotten over your Mother's teachings, you haven't. Logically, you know she was wrong, but in practice, you're afraid to go against the things she's taught you!

You're a grown woman, but you're thinking like the little girl that wants Mommy to love her. That's your basic conflict. Start thinking like an intelligent adult, and take your life into your own hands....and start living it. Because it's YOUR life, not your Mother's, and not your b/f's. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you can't find it on your own, then get help for it. Your Mother hasn't provided it for you, and neither has your b/f.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 10:08pm

I want to second every thing misty said.

Something to keep in mind. Being a late bloomer
is not a bad thing there are lots of positives about it
like the fact that you haven't left your self open for
rejection,diseases,abuse,mental abuse, and so on.
I have friends that have had lots of partners and
a lot of them feel ashamed about it or like they will never
find the right person or they feel like they have been used.
Or they are in the world of dating and dealing with all the scary
issues that come along with it. The grass may look greener on the
other side but it is most likely a allusion. It's like a car that
looks great. But when you take it for a test drive you find out
all the hidden down falls about it. If you are happy in the relationship
you are in then give it some more time and talk about where your
lives are going.

Kareese

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