Am I such a huge freak?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Am I such a huge freak?
31
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 10:20pm

I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb, in the following aspect.

I sort of bloomed late in life, and I got a later "start" than most other young women. I was raised by my mom to be somewhat religious, although since I'm an adult now, that has changed, although it took me many years to gain any new insights of my own.

I am now in my late twenties and I am with a guy close to my own age. We've been together for six years. We aren't married yet, and I don't know when we will be. The thing is, he is the only guy I've ever been close with, in either a physical OR an emotional sense. I've never dated or had physical intimacy with any other person. I have NEVER done any of the things that the vast majority of other young women have done...I've never dated around or had multiple partners, I've never had the proverbial fling with a sexy foreign stranger or with a charming older boss at work. It seems to me that everyone else, and I mean EVERYONE, has done these kinds of things...EXCEPT me!

When I was younger I noticed how different I was, but I wasn't too bothered by it. I was pretty carefree about it. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong and that I didn't need to sleep around to feel important. I was still influenced by my mom's teachings, but the older I got, the more I started to question them. Now that I'm starting to get officially old (as far as the modern culture is concerned), I'm feeling panicked, and I wonder if I wasted my life. I've never been able to keep friends because my lack of expertise in the world of men repels them for some reason. I can't have many conversations with others because I cannot match them on their level of life experience. It's like everyone sees me as a little girl in a woman's body, and it feels pretty rotten.

What is wrong with me? Was I wrong to not care about getting a wide variety of sexual experiences? Does that make me a freak? Well, I KNOW it does, but how do I cope with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 4:18am

I don't think that things sound so different for you than they are for everyone else. We all have doubts, we wonder if we are "normal", we compare what we've done against what others have done (or at least what they *say* that they've done). The difference seems to be that you are taking it all to heart too much and your perception of other people and their lives is skewed. There are plenty of people like you that have had only one or two partners. Not everyone has amazing sexual adventures, and not many people believe what they read in Cosmo.

You've really got no reason to be jealous or envious of others. That's all in your head. However, if you DO want amazing sexual adventures and an exciting life then only you can do that. You have to decide what is important to you and how to do it. Mother isn't going to hold your hand and do it for you. You have to stop thinking that you are a little girl and start acting like an independent assertive grown-up.

If you want to get engaged then get engaged - you do NOT need much money to do that. If getting engaged is important then a cheap ring should suffice. If you can't stand the thought of a cheap ring, then you need to re-examine just how important being engaged is to you.

Despite your comments about really being in love with your b/f I wonder if you are settling for him because he is there. It seems that you want more than he is able or capable of providing. Are you really sure that you want to get married? Or is an engagement just another sticking plaster to put over your general dissatisfaction with your life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 8:08am
For what its worth, there is nothing freaky about you....enjoy what you have. I'm out of my 20's and can only say that life is an experience which comes in many different forms, work, love, family, etc. Don't put labels on yourself and be open to whatever comes your way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 8:31am

Welcome to the board foreverl8t. I hope you'll stop by May Roll Call and let us get to know you a little better.



Thanks for joining in the conversation.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:56am

Hi, thanks for replying.

I know that we don't need tons of money to get married or to buy a ring, but the fact is that HE is the one who has to buy the ring, not me! I cannot buy a ring for myself. It also seems I have had to "settle" for mediocrity in my life so many times already, and a wedding is supposed to be the biggest and best day of one's life. So I want to make sure it will be the best it can be. I don't want to compromise on my wedding, if I can help it.

Also, I think my idea of "amazing sexual adventures" might be different from others' perceptions of it. I never wanted to be promiscuous; the idea has always turned me off and I just don't think it is in my nature. Sleeping with more than one person isn't necessarily promiscuity, but I am turned off by the idea of one-night stand stuff. I can't get sexually interested in someone without also being emotionally interested. That kind of combo would require a relationship, which would require time, which is something that I don't have much of anymore. But I'm wondering if I didn't waste my time when I DID have time, by not being involved in more than one relationship. That IS something that most others have done, but that I have not.

I know that there are many great men out there who all have unique qualities and different things to teach. I regret the fact that I could have had more experiences and learned more things. The time for such "experimentation" is when a woman is in her teens and twenties. I am in my late twenties and I really don't see any opportunities like this coming up for me any time soon; by the time they would come up, I would be too old.

I guess I'm just trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I wasted my life when I actually thought I was doing something right. I'm wondering if I can be happy in the future, as an "old" woman, looking back on the past and wondering what could have been different about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 2:55pm

Trust me. Hitting 29yo is not old and you do have time to do other things.

Also, you are allowed to "regret" not having experimented more - or not having dated more. That's OK. But are you really happy where you are now? If not having had more b/f's is such a big deal, then are you really happy with the one that you've got now? Surely if you were 100% happy with him now you'd be able to rationalise things and wouldn't be so worried about the lack of experimentation? I'm not sure why a person would be so upset about lost opportunities if they were truly happy and in a good place now.

As for the wedding... why not compromise? Choose it together? Pay for it together but let him choose? Discuss marriage with him but let him do the shopping. There must be a way to compromise on this if getting married is important yet neither of you have the money to do it. Be a little practical, you know?

Does he share your point of view about a big wedding? I know that one thing that made me procrastinate the first time that I got married was the expense. I wanted to get married but I didn't want a big expensive fuss made - and my first wife wanted a fuss. A big expensive one. So much for saving money, buying property, and staying financially healthy....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:25pm

"Surely if you were 100% happy with him now you'd be able to rationalise things and wouldn't be so worried about the lack of experimentation?"

Good point. I guess my main problem is this: His interests don't have much in common with mine, and we have somewhat differing ambitions. But he has extraordinary personality qualities, including such strong patience and loyalty that it resembles something out of a storybook. That's my dilemma. We have little in common and sometimes he's even boring, but he has a heart of utter gold, and I don't know how many other guys out there I could find who are like this. So I am "half happy" with him, I suppose.

I don't think he shares my point of view on a big wedding, but we can't even plan a wedding when he hasn't bought a ring and proposed to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:25pm
Thank you. I appreciate that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 11:53pm

Part of a good relationship is communication. Have you ever sat him down and talked to him about getting married? There's no reason you have to wait for HIM to bring it up. You just can't wait forever for him to decide HE's ready! There are two of you in this relationship, and what YOU want counts for 50% of what should be happening.

Have you told him what YOU want, and when you want it? Has he ever come up with a specific time? Like, 2008? If not, then if you DON'T bring it up, you MIGHT be waiting forever. Finances is NOT a reason to delay a wedding. Assuming you both work, combining your finances will make things 2x better than they are now.

If you don't see him making a move soon, then it's up to you to tell him that you don't want to wait forever, and you want a specific commitment from him.....or maybe you just won't wait any longer. Give him a time frame, and tell him that's as long as you plan to wait. If nothing happens by that time, then you need to move on.

Maybe all this ambivalence is why you're feeling so bad about yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 7:59am

Here's a new article on iVillage you might want to read:

Embrace Your Single Self
How to make the most of your "me" years--before it's too late!
http://love.ivillage.com/snd/singleloveit/0,,bl93vrtg,00.html



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 10:25am

Hi Everyone, awesome advise!

To Oh Stop: I also had a Mom that had very strict ideas about relationships and sex. I grew up thinking sex was "dirty". It took me a long time to get over that including a failed "quicky" marriage. But now, I pretty much have figured out my own beliefs which basically comes down to, if it doesn't hurt anyone and we both are in agreement, do it! I'm over my fear of talking about what I like and don't like and I gotta say, I'm in the best place I've ever been. If you keep your BF, why not try things you think you are missing with him? My husband never knows what to expect (grin)!!!! Hugs to you. Bell