Am I such a huge freak?
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| Fri, 05-11-2007 - 10:20pm |
I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb, in the following aspect.
I sort of bloomed late in life, and I got a later "start" than most other young women. I was raised by my mom to be somewhat religious, although since I'm an adult now, that has changed, although it took me many years to gain any new insights of my own.
I am now in my late twenties and I am with a guy close to my own age. We've been together for six years. We aren't married yet, and I don't know when we will be. The thing is, he is the only guy I've ever been close with, in either a physical OR an emotional sense. I've never dated or had physical intimacy with any other person. I have NEVER done any of the things that the vast majority of other young women have done...I've never dated around or had multiple partners, I've never had the proverbial fling with a sexy foreign stranger or with a charming older boss at work. It seems to me that everyone else, and I mean EVERYONE, has done these kinds of things...EXCEPT me!
When I was younger I noticed how different I was, but I wasn't too bothered by it. I was pretty carefree about it. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong and that I didn't need to sleep around to feel important. I was still influenced by my mom's teachings, but the older I got, the more I started to question them. Now that I'm starting to get officially old (as far as the modern culture is concerned), I'm feeling panicked, and I wonder if I wasted my life. I've never been able to keep friends because my lack of expertise in the world of men repels them for some reason. I can't have many conversations with others because I cannot match them on their level of life experience. It's like everyone sees me as a little girl in a woman's body, and it feels pretty rotten.
What is wrong with me? Was I wrong to not care about getting a wide variety of sexual experiences? Does that make me a freak? Well, I KNOW it does, but how do I cope with this?

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I always thought it should be "special." I thought that if I stayed to myself, I would stay respectable because I always heard stuff like "Guys don't like sluts" yada yada yada...but I always had this belief that I would never forgive myself if I slept with someone without really knowing them first, because being naked in front of someone makes you EXTREMELY vulnerable to them."
If this is truly how you feel, then why are you trying to change your opinion now? Seems you are trying to give in to peer pressure now -- and you should be way beyond that.
A lot of what you write gives me the impression that you are not sure "if" you are with the right guy. You idealized sex, marriage and the whole nine yards. I'm not saying that's wrong, but most people don't have a fairy tale life. Reality sets in when you become an adult and have responsibilities. Hopefully by that time, you have made good choices and can feel good about the direction your life is headed in.
It seems to me that you are being much harder on yourself than anyone else ever could be. If you are so busy questioning your relationship, you are probably putting some stress on your BF too. That won't make for things to turn out the way you would like either.
Here's a quiz I got in a newsletter today. Maybe it will help give you some guidance about your relationship.
Should You Dump Him?
http://quiz.ivillage.com/health/tests/dumphim2.htm
You might want to talk with a pastor or counselor. You are having a lot of questions, and perhaps they can help you put your life in perspective.
my partner in the siggy exchange
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