another husband and porn question

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Registered: 02-03-2006
another husband and porn question
7
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 4:47pm
We have had an on again off again problem with porn. I will usually ask him to take a break from it becuase he gets to masturbating to it too often and we end up having very little sex(which to me means I'm lucky to get it once maybe twice during the weekend, I would prefer everyday but would settle for every other day). And when we do, it's usually about his orgasm. From my point of view, he only pleasures me to orgasm when he wants the ego boost of "getting me off". Things will get back to normal, then slowly we will start having less and less sex. It never seems to stay on an upswing for very long. I have started going to night school, and found out that he locks himself in the bedroom to view porn when he's home watching the kids. I asked him to do it at other times, since he gets opportunity in the mornings. He said he would, yet last night I got home and found him masturbating in the bedroom while the kids were sitting out in the livingroom watching a movie. Part of the annoyance is that he knows when I will be home, and that he doesn't even want to wait for me atleast once in awhile. And even if he was willing to have a round with me anyway(which usually he doesn't), he is not as erect for round 2 and that effects my level of enjoyment. This seems to be our only real problem in our relationship, and he doesn't even see it as a problem. He thinks everything is great between us, and everything outside our sex life is great. I don't wanna tell him he can't look at porn, but I don't know what else to do. The situation is starting to make me feel like I am having to compete with porn and am losing. Logically I know that isn't true but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way anyway. I am not sure what type of input I am looking for, just a starting off point maybe to a conversation we should be having about this.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 5:04pm

As husband and wife, you're supposed to be a team. And if one of you isn't happy, then the other is supposed to care enough to help resolve the issue, if at all possible. But of course, HE doesn't believe his porn use is a problem, because HE'S getting his needs met.

And if this is now affecting the way he cares, or more accurately, doesn't care for the children, then he's also being neglectful of them, as well.

You have asked him to curb or manage his porn habit better in order to accomodate you and your children, and he can't seem to do that or doesn't want to. You've told him that it's a problem for you as his wife with no lasting change. Maybe it's time to seek counseling. He could have an addiction to the porn or he is using porn to escape from other issues in his life.




Edited 2/3/2006 5:09 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 8:21pm

If he doesn't see this as a problem, then maybe you need to make more of an effort to communicate how important this is to him. If this was my guy, this would be the point at which I would take him by the hand, look him straight in the eye, and say in a no non-sense tone of voice. "Dear, this is something which is VERY important to me." You say you've been able to resolve other problems with your husband and that in the past you've been able to get him to stop looking at porn for a while so you probably know what works best in getting through to your husband. Think back to what you've said or done which has worked best in terms of getting through to him on things in the past.

Also, I don't know if you have mentioned to him that you feel that when you have sex it seems to be about his orgasm and his ego boost, but if you haven't, you should sit down and discuss this with him. It's possible he does not really feel that way, but is inadvertanetly sending you those signals. It may be something as simple as him just believing that acting more "macho" in the bedroom will be a bigger turn on for you, but instead it ends up sending the wrong signals to you. If you don't talk about how you are feeling, he can't correct the problem. You may want to give some thought about specifically what it is that he says or does which is giving you that problem so you can give him more concrete advice about what he can do to correct the problem. Just make sure that when you speak to him about it, you mention that this is just your point of view like you do when you posted about it here. If you just tell him that all he cares about is his orgasm, and he disagrees, then it will most likely just start an argument. On the other hand, if you say, "I might be wrong, but it feels to me that you just care about your orgasm," then even if he disagrees with you, the two of you can discuss what can be done so that you're not left feeling that way.

This probably won't be the last time that you will need to talk to him about looking at porn and masturbating. You should know that research has found that MOST couples have at least one issue which keeps reoccuring and never gets completely resolved. It doesn't mean that you have a bad marriage or anything. What's important is just that the negative issue doesn't start to spill over and effect the rest of the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 12:14am

There are three different things going on here. The first and most obvious is that he's addicted to porn. The second, and worst is that he's neglecting his children to lock himself in a room and masturbate! You didn't give the kids ages, but no matter what their ages, if they're young, they need supervision, and if they're older, they're very aware of what daddy is doing behind the locked door.

The other problem is that you're feeling shortchanged in the bedroom. According to your libido, you are. Once or twice on the weekend? I guess there are lots of women who'd be happy with that, but he's ignoring the fact that you're not. As far as "2nd rounds" are concerned.....well, most guys over the age of 20 have problems with that, it's not unusual. And I think that MOST guys egos are involved in their partner having an orgasm, even though they have little or nothing to do with it happening.

You need to talk to him about getting help for his addiction. That's the basis of all the problems. If he refuses? Then I don't know what you can do short of removing the computer, or maybe putting it in the living room where he can't lock himself away from the kids when he's supposed to be taking care of them. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 6:25pm

Well this is going to sound off the wall a bit but it helps for many. They make a Male chastity tube. Now I did not read your whole post but seen where you was going. Many males find they need to mastubate every day even if they have sex that day no big deal if they still please their women. But it will start making it harder to for them to cum.
So the tube you can place on him and lock it on you hold the key and he only comes out when your home and can watch what he is doing all other times keep him locked in it. Now this sounds easy but its not 1st he has to know that he has a problem and want to stop 2nd he must trust you to hold the key and that you will be fair about letting him enjoy himself with you or by masturbating. http://www.chastitybeltformen.com/why.html you can see it here and read some on it. Now one thing about this I know is true he will start doing things to get you intrested in having sex so you will let him out. But remember be fair or you will not get it back on him. It is also a fun toy lock him up take him out for the night a tease him when you get home well Iwill let you find that out.
But I was like this and we tryed it I had it on 24/7 unless she was in the mood. so I remembered fast what it took to get her going sit with her and watch tv and not on the pc looking at porn. hold her hand and not myself. Big one ladies Help her get her house work done so she was not worn out and not in the mood. He will work for your time with him and he will not care about the porn and if he does look it dont feel great to get hard in the thing so he will not want to do that much.

Good Luck
Dan & SHeri

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 6:49pm
I guess it retrains the man to stop doing what's easiest but instead, do what's best for his relationship by giving him the control that he has given up. A little extreme perhaps but could work if the man was willing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:07pm

Unidentified,

There are so many potential things going on here that it's hard to even get into it. First of all, I would NOT recommend a chastity belt...that has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. It seems that the couple that recommended it are into dom/sub and if that's the case, that's fine. However, locking someone up like you own them is ridiculous unless it's a game that the other can get out of. Even though you're married to him, it is his penis and he can do with it what he wants (not that you have to put up with it..you can leave).

It seems to me that the heart of the problem here is that you want more sex more connection and he's spending himself on porn. Pretty common problem it seems these days. Masturbation is fine and healthy or it can be obsessive and accessive if it replaces connection with his family.

If he'd rather masturbate than have sex with his wife then he definitely has an addiction problem. Understand that addiction to anything is essentially the same: the addict takes the drug and it gives him/her a temporary high. The high wears off and than he/she attempts to recreate the original feeling. The problem is, that just like drugs, the addict then needs more of the "drug" to recreate the original high...but essentially it never happens. He/she starts to neglect things in their life in order to pursue the drug. This is obsessive/compulsive behavior. The problem with taking the drug away is that just like an alcoholic, the liquor may not be around, but the drinker becomes a dry drunk.
Although from the limited information that you can give on this situation and the lack of his perspective, I suspect that this is what is going on with your husband. Understand that his actions with the children and with you are the actions of a man stuck in an obsession. The addict is looking to fill a void in his/her life and so is willing to give up the real things in life to get the drug. It is ultimately a full embrace of illusion over reality.

your husband needs to find out what he's looking for in life. What is it that he needs? Often with addicts it is self love. This is not something you can give him, but something he must find within himself.

I would recommend getting some counseling,individually for him and as couple. What he is doing is not bad or evil, just destructive to you, to the kids, but mostly to himself.

The problem with porn being so easy to access these days is that it "hooks the attention" and someone with an addictive personality begins to obsess about it...especially since it's easy to get a hold of.

good luck,
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 1:04am

Lots of good replies so I'll make one point that the others may not have addressed.
Are you SURE that he is totally happy with your sex life?

You don't suppose that the two of you are just getting your timing all wrong? I can see this guy sitting at home frustrated while his busy wife is out and about in the evenings. He's horney and he knows that any chance of a romantic evening and sex won't really happen because she'll get home, run around for a while and send the kids to bed, and will want to get to bed herself. By then he knows that he'll be too tired to do anything much about sex, or if it happens, he won't be as interested as he is earlier in the evening because he'll be tired and it'll be a unrewarding wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am session.

I'm not saying that this is the reason. His porn use does seem to be excessive, but it just goes to show that his opinion and the reasons may be quite different from what you think they are.