Another sex situation! :p

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Another sex situation! :p
3
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 12:40pm

I know most of you didn't understand what I was getting at last time I posted... so I'm trying again! :p I wrote this up (in addition to some other stuff that's why it starts weird). Thoughts, comments, suggestions!?

Now, what I consider to be my most prevalent issue... let me digress. I have been sexually active for 12 and a half years and yet, not really active all of that time. Although I was sexually promiscuous for a spell 2 years into it, I don't *think* I ever really had sex for the physical pleasure of having sex. It was all about proving I could get a certain guy or because I was in a relationship with someone and a) it started out passionate and then faded or b) I felt it was just part of being in a relationship. After a pretty vigorous start with P in 1997, we proceeded to stop having sex near the end of 1999. From then till 2003 I was celibate even though we continued to stay together. 4 years! I had decided because of this self-imposed abstinence I would realign my morals and recommit to not having sex until I marry - or at least until I find the man I intend to marry. But... things went awry when J (exMM) reveled we felt the same way about each other. There was nothing that would stop me from sharing that with him. And while I'm sure this shows I'm still not healthy and many other negative things about me... I don't regret it. After almost a year of the most intense sex I've ever experienced it did end but the residue of how much I enjoyed the actual act of sex with him remains! While many say the passion was probably fueled by the secret-nature of the relationship and the fact that we had to have variety in our sexual locations - I just can't remember a single episode that wasn't 100% fulfilling (physically). Maybe it's because I was so tied up in him emotionally that made it more intense and satisfying!?!?! But... the fact is... I ACHE for that kind of sex right now!

Obviously I tried to go there with P but neither the emotional or the physical were similar! And why would I want a similar experience... I was with a MARRIED man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yet... here I sit after a year and half without that kind of sex and I'm CRAVING it! So much so that I feel like I'm making stupid or at least not healthy decisions.

Being I work in an atmosphere that is saturated with married men... I've kind of taken to flirting with them... while nothing has progressed past flirting... I've definitely *thought* of more with a couple of them even though that's NOT WHAT I WANT - I feel like I'm being propelled by sexual desire and not even by my heart! And we KNOW I am not capable of having something sexual without getting my heart involved (or at least I don't think I am capable of that) but honestly... casual sex!? Am I capable of that? Do I feel like that is morally right!? Well... no... but... what's a girl to do? I want some sex... with a living, breathing MAN! So... I went searching for something discreet online and have found it... but I'm frozen by fear and feeling as though I can't do something so careless and yet... I'm intrigued and OBVIOUSLY hungry for it!

Sex sucks... and desires suck even more. If I could get my sexual appetite under control where it's not making me want things that in the CORRECT frame of mind I'd never do... I'd just continue on looking for "him" but... right now I'm just wanting a HIM!

And what happens when I DO go forward with someone... whether I'm stupid enough to get drawn back into the "affair-world" or I go a different direction and meet this possibly crazy psycho off the internet... god knows as soon as I share that with him my heart is gonna beat a different beat and no man who is using me for sex is going to want that! Would I truly be able to "use" a man!?!? I'm not sure I could! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 1:12pm

Why not just stop looking for sex, thinking about sex, and living your life as though sex is the be all end all of life. It isn't. It's a part of a healthy relationship....nothing more. Without a healthy relationship......it's an addiction. An addiction to sex is no different than an addiction to drugs. It can ruin your life, and it cannot provide happiness or contentment. That has to come from within you. Work on your self-esteem and self-respect.

Like all addicts, first you have to TRULY want to stop the behavior, and like MOST addicts, you need help with that. You can't do it on your own. Find a therapist, and get to the bottom of why you think the way you do.

Stay away from the married men at work if you value your reputation and your job. Stay away from married men anywhere. They will only use you for their own gratification, and offer you nothing in return.

You can choose your own behavior, and if you can't manage it on your own, then get the help that you need to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 1:41pm
um okay - thank you for your reply... anyone else?
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 5:30pm

Okay, not sure what you're asking for here but no one can tell how you should conduct your life or what morals and standards you should live by. That's all up to you.

But very frequently, you'll have to deny yourself some selfish gratification to honor those standards or they mean nothing. And even though it may not be easy to do, it's necessary in order to build integrity and self respect.

Having affairs with married men, devastating families to experience illicit sex though? Do you really believe that doing that will help you grow as a person? Do you really think that you'll feel good about yourself in the future?

Why not direct all this sexual energy into getting yourself healthy emotionally and physically and meeting someone who wants the same things you do? Live your life and be productive, not destructive.