Are All Men Like This?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Are All Men Like This?
19
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 6:23pm
I've been dating this man, in his early 30's, for about 6 mo. We have been sexually active during most of this time and have openly discussed it. I have some concerns though and would like to hear feedback.

1. He does not like to use his hands to please a woman (though he doesn't mind oral). Personally, I like being touched with a man's hands more than anything. He says it does absolutely nothing for him and if any man tells me otherwise, they are lying. It does not turn him on at all, that's probably why he rarely does it (which is disappointing to me but then again, would I really enjoy him doing something I know he isn't enjoying?).

2. He doesn't really care for foreplay. He usually gets right to it and that means intercourse. He does not like me using my hands on him and the one time I did, he pushed my hand away after about 30 seconds. He also told me he'd rather watch TV than have a woman use her hands.

3. In the 6 mo we've been together, he's let me do oral on him maybe 4 times (because I was on my period). He told me early on he doesn't care for oral sex (on him). When I have done it, I have to do it fast and rough. It's as if he isn't overly sensitive and it takes a lot to get him off and only intercourse does it for him. This isn't fun for me because intercourse doesn't really do much for me.

So the only thing I'm left with is oral sex. He happily does that for me but I feel like I'm missing something. Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 6:31pm
Dreamlover I don't think all men are like the one you described. Some obviously are but I really enjoy seeing my lover have a good time and feel loved. As far as hands you can read my technique under the topic "pleasure" on this board. If this relationship is not meeting your needs for intimacy (which it seems like it doesn't) this guy has to change or you should think about moving on.

Best wishes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 6:47pm

No, most men aren't like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 6:51pm
I can't seem to find your topic "pleasure". Can you post a link or tell me exactly where it is (which subject, date, etc). Thank you!
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 6:56pm
all men are definitely not like that!! most men are willing to do almost anything (within reason) a woman wants. pleasure is about pleasing both partners. why is he only willing to do it on his terms? what if you told him intercourse does nothing for you and you only want manual stimulation. that's pretty much how he's approaching it. reflect on whether he is as selfish in other aspects of your relationship. this is definitely a warning sign you should heed.
Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 7:27pm
Your BF is a very selfish, self-centered lover. It has to be his way or no way. Most men enjoy manual stimulation of their SO only because they enjoy GIVING her pleasure. He, on the other hand, equates everything from only his selfish point of view. Life with your BF would not be sexually satisfying since everything has to be on his terms. You might try to educate him, but I doubt that he would even listen. If things do not change with his attitude, you should seek a change. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 7:58pm
Hey dream! Just my own experience here...

I use to be that way too when lady para and I first started. My situation though was mostly due to lack of communication and inexperience. Sounds like your situation has an advantage though: open communication.

Its good to hear that you're able to openly discuss your sex life with him. By what I've read here and there, there ARE men who treat sex with more intimacy than many others do. We would probably consider some to be extreme whereas others by comparison are hardly intimate at all. You didn't mention any physical problems or even a lack of interest in sex, so I'm this is mainly and 'intimacy' area only.

You are among peers here, not experts, so hopefully the shared experiences will help you, but if you haven't visited them yet, perhaps it'd help to also visit these areas:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlimproveyou

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlpleasurepr

http://www.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/boards/

I've received very good advice from the of resources just like these, even with issues similar to this.

Hope this helps. Let us know and share a lesson or two. ;)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 8:33pm

No, not all men are like that.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 9:15pm
I bumped it back up to the top so you could find it.

Best wishes.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:33pm
No, thankfully. Has he had many lovers before you? It SOUNDS as if he's fairly inexperienced for his age, frankly. I can't imagine that many women have silently allowed him to get away with this attitude in the past.

Most men realize that women are very different and foreplay is integral to our sexual pleasure. Maybe it's time to educate your guy and help him understand that it's not just HIS experience he needs to be concerned about.

Your sexual pleasure should be as important to him as his own. And without that desire to please you, as well as himself, he's not being a very compassionate and loving partner. He needs to give himself TIME to learn to enjoy YOUR pleasure and he can.

He'll never become the lover he CAN be though, unless you help him get there. Be patient and loving, but insist that he take care of your needs. He'll thank you for it later when he experiences the emotional pleasure he gets from "taking care of his woman."





Edited 7/23/2004 10:41 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:54pm
well dreamlovrs after reading your post i cant understand why you are still with this jerk. he is insenitive to your wants and needs in bed. doesnt want to be touched or touch you, no foreplay.

no not all men are like this. i for one want to have alot of foreplay and touching, that is very important.

making love is an unselfish act of giving yourself to another with your mind and soul.

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