Are All Men Like This?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Are All Men Like This?
19
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 6:23pm
I've been dating this man, in his early 30's, for about 6 mo. We have been sexually active during most of this time and have openly discussed it. I have some concerns though and would like to hear feedback.

1. He does not like to use his hands to please a woman (though he doesn't mind oral). Personally, I like being touched with a man's hands more than anything. He says it does absolutely nothing for him and if any man tells me otherwise, they are lying. It does not turn him on at all, that's probably why he rarely does it (which is disappointing to me but then again, would I really enjoy him doing something I know he isn't enjoying?).

2. He doesn't really care for foreplay. He usually gets right to it and that means intercourse. He does not like me using my hands on him and the one time I did, he pushed my hand away after about 30 seconds. He also told me he'd rather watch TV than have a woman use her hands.

3. In the 6 mo we've been together, he's let me do oral on him maybe 4 times (because I was on my period). He told me early on he doesn't care for oral sex (on him). When I have done it, I have to do it fast and rough. It's as if he isn't overly sensitive and it takes a lot to get him off and only intercourse does it for him. This isn't fun for me because intercourse doesn't really do much for me.

So the only thing I'm left with is oral sex. He happily does that for me but I feel like I'm missing something. Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 12:17am
Very simple problem, and just as simple an answer. He doesn't like to touch you, and he's not going to touch you. He doesn't care at all that you'd like it, because he's not there for you, he's there for himself. He only "gets off" on orgasm? So do most men. But MOST men are also concerned about the pleasure of their partner. He's NOT.

Not only does he not care about YOUR pleasure, he's sure all men are just like him, and he's FULL of it.....I guess that justifies his selfishness in his mind.

The solution? Unless you can see yourself being frustrated and unfulfilled for the rest of your life, move on. Find a man who understands there are TWO people involved, and they BOTH want to "get off".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 2:24pm
Thank you for all the replies!

Just last night he said to me he pictures us being together forever. Ugh, I sure don't see that.

A couple things I forgot to mention about this guy and just read on another thread. It's about us girls getting wet. We actually discussed this a few weeks ago. I was always under the impression that it turns a guy on to see his woman wet. Well, my guy says that really doesn't do anything for him. So guys, does knowing/feeling your girl wet turn you on? I'm really beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with this guy sexually. If you read my OP you can see there are many things that are questionable.

Another thing that happened a few days ago. We were on the subject of vibrators. He asked me if I had one, which I do. He became upset and wanted me to get rid of it. I just blew it off saying I haven't used it in years and I'm not even sure I knew where it was (I really haven't used it). After about 10 min, he dropped it, but still. Do you guys really care if your girl has a sex toy? Does it make a man feel somehow threatened?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:02pm
Hi dream! If I got your message right, you're two concerns are 1) he doesn't like the idea of you having the vibrator or sex toy and 2) you not being use to a man who isn't turned on by a woman being "wet"...if I understand you correctly.

Now this is from a husband's point of view, so keep this in mind, k?

I'd never say that your situation is "normal" as if you have nothing to worry about, lol, but I do honestly believe his views are not that uncommon anyway. Make any sense?

The vibrator will always be an issue among men because there will always be some of us that view it as a replacement, just like many women view porn as a replacement. I don't have issues with sex toys at all, but after reading from those men who DO, I've learned that explaining it as something that "was" used only when he was unavailable was quite often an effective trick. Telling him that its use was only when he wasn't available and that it was NOT used because he wasn't good enough...well...I'll let you think about that wording and you conclude how you think he'll respond to that, LOL. Again, its just a single idea for you to think about, I'm sure you'll have plenty of opinions to follow mine on this string too. Cross our fingers for ya. ;)

No, not all men are sooo turned on by a woman being wet. That is a very unfair assumption, in my honest opinion, that many people seem to think about men in general. YES more men than not actually love their women to be wet, but to claim that its a turn-on is stretching it some. There are likely more women who love men with six-packs as well, and naturally we'd think that there'd be something wrong with any who didn't, LOL, but again that is not a fair assumption in my opinion. Yes it drives many men absolutely wild when their women are wet, but it isn't always the case and I'd challenge the notion that it is or even suppose to be normal if anyone brought it up in that fashion. So again, I wouldn't judge your guy according to what you're use to hearing/reading about other men. I'd let him be who he is, cause that's part of why you like him, right? ;)

BTW, please remember that there will be others who may actually be jealous of hearing that some guy pictures the relationship lasting forever, LOL! If you're catching my drift, hopefully you can retain the positive parts about him in your thinking as well; otherwise, if you're not interested in him, then you're not interested, your call. Hope that helps and good luck!

:)

:)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:58pm
Hey dream-

i havent posted on this thread yet, but have been reading it...i decided to pipe up to let you know a couple of things...

i have a couple vibrators (to get me through my single times), but recently my BF asked if i had one and i was honest...and now we've been incorporating it into sex. i never told any guys i had it for fear of the exact reaction your BF had- but i wanted you to know that there are PLENTY of guys who like to use them, play with them etc. as for being wet...in fact JUST LAST NIGHT when he and i were messing around (and i usually get REALLY wet), he was fingering me and said 'do you realize how wet you are right now? do you know how hot that is?'. i suppose there are guys who don't care either way if a girl is wet or not, but to me, MY getting wet is like them getting an erection- it's the sign that my body is sexually aroused and wanting him right now! ya know???

but your story is sounding a lot like a former roommate of mine. her ex didn't touch her "down there" (as he called it and being 34 at the time, it seemed a tad immature), because it was "gross". sex lasted about 3 minutes EVERY time. any time she tried to address it he'd say there was nothing wrong with their sex life. i took her to get a vibrator hoping if she knew what turned her on (she was relatviely inexperienced) that she could help him to turn her on...

absolutely nothing worked. what's worse was over time his attitude that simply because HE was fine, that meant things were fine- seemed to leak into other aspects of their relationship...she ended up VERY hurt by him and it took her a long time to recover- especially about her body image.

he should WANT you satisfied sexually...if you are trying to be open with him and it's not getting anywhere...that is a big sign about ways he'll possibly treat you in OTHER aspects of your relationship!! Good Luck!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 4:25pm
Sounds like this guy is selfish up the you know what! My ex was the same way..he never wanted to touch me and sex was all about pleasing him, when he was done he watched TV. I think that if you've tried any and all alternatives to spice up your sex life and it didn't work, you should start thinking about going to a sex expert or just break up. You two haven't gone out for that long..if I were you I go live my life without him. A woman is worth more than a man ALWAYS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 4:59pm
It's understandable that he wouldn't be turned on by you being wet....he doesn't want to go there anyway! That's the least of his concerns.

As for his feelings about your vibrator, too bad about him. Maybe you ought to get it out and use it in front of him, and if he doesn't like it, tell him you can't get what you need from him, so it's the vibrator or nothing. He's got a lot of nerve telling you what you can and can't do, about sex, or anything else.

By the way, when he mentioned seeing the two of you together in the future, that was your perfect opportunity to give him your two cents worth! You should have told him that YOU don't see it, because you aren't being fulfilled sexually, and you can't see spending the rest of your life being frustrated by his selfishness.

As for what the other guys think, hon, all guys are different. There are guys who BUY their partners vibrators....but they're secure with themselves, their relationship and their partner. MOST guys are turned on by wetness, maybe some guys aren't. All you need to concern yourself with is THIS guy, not other guys and their opinions.

I'm thinking you're not too entranced with this guy, not only sexually, but in other ways. Maybe it's just time to break it off, and move on. He does't sound like much to write home about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 5:02pm
I remember not too long ago where I really wasn't that wet (most of the time I am but every so often things don't work quite like they used to!). He actually said something to me about it, like "you aren't wet". It was very embarrasing. I was turned on, that wasn't the problem, but I wasn't "soaking" wet. I assured him that I was lubricated on the inside, it just hadn't leaked out yet :) Sure enough, I was right, but how awkward. Most of the time his penis is not the hardest thing in the world but I would NEVER tell him that lol!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 5:41pm

For these questions, it all depends on the guy.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 5:56pm
That all just seems so _wierd_. I will do pretty much anything, let alone use my hands, if I know the other person loves it!!! No foreplay???!!!? Again, that's just _wierd_. But doesn't like blowjobs? I can't possibly see what's not to like ... it does take a pretty intense one to get me off usually, though, as you say. Anyhow, I guess we are all wired up differently, but that just sounds slightly bizarre.

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