Are we together or??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Are we together or??
5
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:53pm

I have a "friend" that has me completely confused... I say "friend" because I'm not sure whether he is just that or more. The easy thing to do would be to ask him directly, but that is really part of the problem as I haven't been able to get an answer from him yet. So, I'm stuck- I don't know what to think, if I should move on, if I am imagining things in the first place, etc. Let me give you a quick outline to see what you think:

We met through work about a year and a half ago(we no longer work together). We started to email and talk on the phone almost everyday and then started visiting each other outside of work, mostly on weekends since we lived in different cities. Other than getting along really well I had no sign further interest until last August just as I had resigned myself to giving up (this I think was sparked by my friend telling him exactly that) and he decided to stay over at my place even though his hotel was equal distance away from the bar and that night he put his arm around me while I was sleeping. Since then things haven't progressed other than his hooking his leg over mine, etc. I have tried to initiate something- anything- a few times, although not very aggressively but clear enough I think. There was never really a response- he didn't push me away but he wasn't exactly giving encouragement either.

Other confusing points include our vacationing together (we went to Italy and he bought my ticket and are planning for Australia next year); he uses 'we' in sentances when shopping for furniture for his place; I've met his mom and stayed at his family's house; he invited me to his friend's out of town wedding; we talk everyday; he automatically assumes we will spend the weekend (or some part of it) together...

He was in a serious relationship about 7 years ago and was supposed to get married, but they broke up due to her cheating, so I understand why he may be cautious. That was a number of years ago though and he has been "with" me for awhile now- I don't want to make a mistake and hurt him especially since he has already been hurt, but if we're not together I need to move on for my own sake. What does this sound like to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:06pm
It sounds as though he sees you as a buddy.
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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 10:44am

Have you ever considered just ASKING him how he defines this relationship?

If you've attempted to initiate intimacy and he doesn't take the offer or encourage it, then I'm with Aisha, he sees you only as a good friend.

Men ARE typically very physical with their friends, male and female, so he likely would have made a move by now, if he was sexually interested. Especially in Italy!!? What a perfect romantic place to initiate a sexual relationship!

Why wait to find that out though? ASK HIM!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 6:37pm

How about a man's perspective. You say he was in a serious relationship seven years ago, and was planning marriage. If he were actually engaged, and she cheated on him, it is possible that he is looking for signs of commitment from you before he actually will let his guard down and let his feelings for you show. As far as the sleeping together without sex, it may relate to lots of things. Perhaps he feels strongly that sex before marriage is wrong. Perhaps he associates sex with a strong committed relationship and he is afraid to being hurt again.

I would suggest talking to him. Tell him what your feelings are. Ask him what he wants in the future of your relationship. It is risky. But if you want a future with him, you may have to take the chance.

CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 8:00pm

You say that you have talked to him but haven't been able to get an answer yet? What DID you get from him?

I'm with all the others. You HAVE to talk to him and get something out of him. One of you has to make an effort to pull out to the front, take the risk and lead this arrangement to it's conclusion - to a proper relationship or,... or not.

It's quite possible that he wants a relationship but isn't getting any blatantly obvious signals to proceed to the next stage from you. He may be just as stalled as you are.

Of course, he might just really enjoy having a close female friend too......

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 12:11am
is he gay?