ARGHH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
ARGHH!
9
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:03pm

Ok, wonder if any of you have advice or opinions for me.

Today I tried to have sex with an old ex boyfriend. We are on good terms and we are both single. We both talked about having casual no strings attached sex and both want to do this. When we dated, he and I did not have sex. He just didn't want to for whatever reason. He never really could give me an answer. He always made excuses, but we always did everything else but that. It's not like he's not attracted to me, he gets very excited very easily around me and I can tell I do turn him on.

Well today we got together the first time to try everything out. Things were going fine and we decided to go for it. I grabbed the condoms I had just bought (Trojan-Enz with Spermicide Lubricant)and he went to put it on. He went almost soft immediately. Ok, no big deal. He fumbled with it badly and made a remark that he "hates these things" (well what guy doesn't I guess?) but is completely ok with wearing one. He had it half way rolled down and then took it off. I told him I could help him get harder but he insisted it was not that but it was the condom. I got him another one and he did a little better but not much....he then insisted on fooling around some more. He did get hard again and then wanted to get to it. As soon as I got into position, he started going soft. He looked a little perplexed and kept rubbing and fiddling with himself. I did not want to take the risk that he had weakened the condom by fooling with it like he had. (Plus it did look a little strange on him. Tight in some areas, etc) so I asked him if it was giving him problems. He said yes, and I offered him some oral sex instead which he didn't have a problem accepting. He was very much hard with that and performed fine. Afterwards he claims that the condom was ribbed and he never had a ribbed condom before. Strange, I didn't think Trojan-Enz series was ribbed. It doesn't indiacte that anywhere on the box or package. The condoms were brand new (exp 08). I know he has had plenty of experiences with condoms with the exception of the last year when he has been with someone who was on the pill (I am currently using condoms and spermicide film)

I know men can go soft for the strangest reasons and it happens. But I can't help to think if he's got some strange thing about me that turns him off, like the act of sex. After all, we never did do it when we dated for some odd reason which he couldn't fully tell me. I don't know if it was me, the condom, he forgot how to use one, or something weird with him. He has had sex with plenty of other women without a problem so it seems. He did say he will pick up some condoms next week and that he would practice with the ones I had for the next time we get together.

He tried to get me to stay by wanting to hang out or go out to eat together which I polietly decline.

Any opinions or advice would be great. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:19pm
It could be anything. It sounded to me like the condom was too tight, that could cause him to go soft. Then afterwards, he was worried about it so it got worse. Could it also be some residual relationship issues? I mean you didn't have sex when you were together and you don't even know why. I would have died to know...truthfully. Of course, there's always the possibility that he isn't attracted to you or something you did turned him off, but that wouldn't make sense since he wouldn't have made the arrangement in the first place. Best thing is to wait and see what happens from here. Just curious though...did you get anything out of it? Did you get oral or manual. It would seem that in this type of arrangement, both should be happy, otherwise what's the point? ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:29pm

Well, gee, why bother? LOL! You might as well be in a full-on relationship again since you're putting all this energy and thought into trying to figure him out! Isn't a friends with benefits arrangement entered into to avoid all that?

IF this relationship is purely about sex, then you could probably find a better partner than someone who needs to "practice" using a condom! Or you may be right, he may not really want to have intercourse with you for some reason.

But it's always possible that he had an STD or infection when you were dating since he didn't want to explain why intercourse wasn't an option.




Edited 6/2/2005 5:31 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:35pm
I missed that they did everything else BUT intercourse. I thought she said that they didn't have any sex at all. That the everything else she was referring to was doing all of the other things that couples do outside of sex. tee hee That puts a different spin on it.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:47pm

I guess we interpreted "everything else" differently. But I took it to mean that they engaged in oral and manual sex, just not intercourse. You know how some people think that
"having sex" is intercourse only,everything else is just "fooling around."

Who knows....we both could be wrong! LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 6:28pm

How old is he? (I wish most posters would simply include that info as routine as I feel that age is often applicable in any issue regarding sexual performance)

Any idea as to his sexual history with other women?

I recall that I was really uptight about having intercourse with my first GF because I was simply scared that I would make a fool of myself. Of course, I used all sorts of excuses from "this isn't a safe place" to "I don't have any condoms" to "I don't really believe in sex before marriage", rather than admit the real reason. Is it possible that that was his reason back when you were dating?

If so, is it possible that he still has "fear" issues? How long ago did you split up? What kind of relationships has he had in the interim?

Frankly, your description of the fumbling with the condoms and such leads me to believe that he was simply very, very, nervous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 8:47pm

In a way it seemed to me that the condom might of been too small as well, but he seems rather average...not in the class of having "magnum sized" condoms, lol. It just seemed like he kept going soft. I don't know, who knows

To be honest, I didn't get a whole lot out of it. While fun, I did get very turned on with the oral and manual stimulation but I didn't reach climax. I reach climax a heck of a lot easier during sex...oh sorry, I mean intercourse where the penis enters the vagina. I guess some members want me to be more technical even though most people equate sex=intercourse. It's a broad term used for it. Anyway, which didn't happen so I didn't get what I wanted. I could of stuck around and have him help me finish it off but by the time we were through, I was running late for class as it was. Oh well, we'll see what happens the next time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 9:00pm

He's 27 and been with at least 7 partners that I know of since he was 15

Who knows what his reasons were, I never could get a straight answer from him when we did date. Really the only thing I did get was "Oh you're so tight, I don't want to hurt you" etc etc. Come on, it's suppose to stretch!

What really bothers him, I really will never know since I had prodded him a long time ago and he never came out with it. Oh well! It's been 5 years since we've dated and he has had an on/off long distance relationship with a high school sweetheart over the last 3 years(For 9 months they lived together but since Christmas he hadn't touched her because she didn't want to have sex) and dated another girl for 3 months. This was all since we've been broken up. I do know he hasn't had sex since around Christmas and it had been quite a while since he used a condom.

You're probably right, I guess he could of been nervous. He just never struck me as the type who would be nervous with this stuff, but then again he is human too. lol. thanks. I'll find out the next time for sure, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:48pm

Well, I'm a bloke and this exact thing happens to me.

He probably avoided sex with you in the first place simply because he was worried about this happening. Some blokes just have a hang-up with condoms and it makes them go soft. Many men I know have this problem. It's not because they react to the condoms but it just takes the heat off the moment and the focus is on them - they get anxious and it becomes very self-fulfilling.

Poor bloke. Next time (if it happens) try sitting up and kissing him or playing with his balls or stroking his body - anything to get his mind of the condom moment!

Good luck!

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: shadowgirl00
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 8:28pm

I'd say that it's nothing more than he has a hang-up or problems with condoms. Everytime that you did something to him, he got erect. Everytime he went near the condom he went limp.

Frankly the biggest problem that I ever had with condoms was the lack of sponteneity. Suddenly you have to interrupt the foreplay to roll this funny looking rubber thing onto your penis while your partner watches you intently as she waits. Talk about feeling like you're a deer caught in headlights. Hardly what I'd call an erotic situation to be in. Just to top it off, it can be awkward to get a condom on properly if you make a mistake with unrolling it. It can get tangled up or there's too much sticking out the end. Traumatic times I tell you!

And of course, the moment that you make your first mistake or start to loose your erection it all goes downhill. You get tense worrying about making another mistake or whether or not your penis will behave. Usually it panics too and that's that. Failure. Sob!