Asked about first time

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2008
Asked about first time
11
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 8:08pm

I had a weird experience yesterday and I couldn't think of anyone to ask about it, so I thought I'd try iVillage.

My wife of 10 years and kids were going through some old pictures and came across an old prom picture with my wife and her date. Based on what I remember from way back, I'm pretty sure this was hours before she lost her virginity.
Anyway, my kids were asking her about the guy and later asked me if I knew him. I said I didn't.

Later, when the kids were in bed, I asked my wife "Isn't that the guy you lost your virginity with?"
She shut the conversation down by saying "I am NOT having this conversation."
I said, "so it was?"
She said, rather forcefully, "I'm not talking about it!"
I got upset and walked away. Now it's really bugging me and I don't know why -- OK maybe it's because I knew that the picture was sort of a last look at her before she lost her virginity to this unknown dude.
I don't often ask my wife about her past. Before we started dating, she was pretty open about it. I was never entirely comfortable with hearing it, but in recent years I've mellowed.
Anyway, I was surprised she was so adamant about not talking and I was also surprised I got so upset that she got so upset.
Should I let the situation die by ignoring it, which tends to be how she would like it?
Am I a freak for wanting to get a straight answer out of her? Or find out more?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2008
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 8:59pm

It's the past,let it go! I have never asked a new relationship about her previous lovers! Why? Because it's none of my business. I prefer that they don't ask me as well.


Don

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2008
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 9:17pm

Agree that it's the past...why after 10 years would you care who she lost her virginity to?


When DH and I were dating I was more curious about his past, but now that we've been married for 8 years, we are able to talk open about our previous relationships with out the concern for being judged by them.


And on a side note---talking now about our past relationships is actually part of our open discussion to help with our ML issues...so, there's a time and place for everything...

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 10:04pm

Welcome to the board, leskman.

I agree with the others -- let it go. I'm sure the photo is a keepsake for her prom, not her virginity loss. We all have a past, and that's where it belongs -- in the past. That past helped each of us become the person we are today.

Live in the present.


















iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 11:07pm
I agree with the others. It's in the past, let it go. It's nothing to do with you and it's none of your business anyway. I think that the majority of first times for people (women as well as men) aren't good and they really don't want to relive those memories. So let it go and when she says that she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want to talk about it. So chill and let her be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 05-12-2008 - 11:51pm

You have been married to her for 10 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 10:57am

Ignore it

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2007
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 8:46pm

I don't agree that the life of a wife of ten years is "none of her husband's business." True, I don't think it would be helpful or wise to 'demand' information from the wife, and I don't think doing so would be fair. But it is not strange that a husband should be curious, and I don't think, after ten years of being married to a woman, it is "rude" to ask her an intimate question. Marriages are intimate things. Intimate questions happen. In a marriage, that is normal and expected.

But it is extremely strange that she would, out of the blue, get so upset, when previously it was always you who didn't want to talk about it. It doesn't make sense to me that she would be so adamant that her husband of ten years not know, if the past is truly in the past. Unless, perhaps, the experience was traumatic and a painful memory, and she just didn't want to talk about it.

I think such an unwarranted reaction is a little disconcerting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2008
Tue, 05-13-2008 - 9:24pm

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. I agree I need to just chill. Knowing her, she'll ignore the fact the incident ever happened and it won't come up again.

Like I said, I unnerved by my own reaction as well as hers. It's immature, sure. That's why I thought it was so odd.

As for the picture being hours before she lost her virginity. Yeah... that's a little strange to look at and consider. It's a purely emotional, illogical thing, but it was the strangest feeling. I know she was the same person the next day.

But I also know, as I think most people feel after the first time they do it, that life is somehow different once you make that major of a decision. No one forgets their first time -- whether it's a good experience (like mine) or a bad one. I have no idea whether her experience was good or bad. Probably don't want to know at this point.

Anyway, thanks for the reasoned feedback. It is much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 7:35pm

Just a side note, I think it is great that you are willing to "drop the subject" and all, but perhaps instead of not talking about it, you may want to consider telling her that you are sorry for making her upset.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 7:54pm
I haven't even read the other responses but I had to write. Let it go.

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