Asking her to kegel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Asking her to kegel
19
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:44pm

Hi,

In one of the forums I frequent, I came across a post I thought I should forward for the ladies here to respond to. The original poster's name is stubby, and with his permission, I present you his dilemma...

My Girlfriend knows how I feel about the size of my unit and the other day she brought it up as she saw something on 20/20 that says size matters. She has said it matters but the most intense orgasms she has ever had are with me, not the guy that was big.

So anyway we get to talking and or arguing about sex and I had mentioned kegels to her before. She basically asked me point blank if it affected the quality of our sex(her size). So I asked if she really wanted to know this and she said yes. So I answered her truthfully (yes it does affect the sex) and she said she didn't know if she wanted to do that (kegel) as it was modifying her body. She said it was equivalent to asking me to get a penis enlargement, I disagreed as there is a difference to doing something that is not bad for your body and basically just exercising versus having a risky operation. I have hinted that I am attempting to improve my size and she doesn't say anything about that.

I would not have brought it up with her if it wasn't a serious issue for me. When we have sex there are times that I cannot finish due the the fact that it is not tight enough, and that is saying something especially coming from someone that has/does struggle with premature ejaculation.

So Ladies (and gentlemen) what is your advice? How do I let her know what this really means to me? If she said my size was an issue I would gladly PE (if I wasn't already) to try and make her happy. I'm not even sure that the kegels will help except for after childbirth getting back to her present size, but if I knew she had at least tried and it wouldn't change I would accept that. I am really concerned especially as this is someone I would consider having kids with and if that stretched it out any more it will become a VERY serious problem. I love this girl but if I do not have a satisfying sex life there will be serious problems.

-Stubbs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 1:47am
What does kegel mean?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:06am

I think stubbs and his g/f are both a little confused about a lot of things. First of all, his size. If she's like 80% of women, his size has nothing to do with her orgasms, or the intensity of them. Then her "size"....kegels have NOTHING to do with vaginal size. They tighten the PC muscles (the muscle that runs across the bottom of the pelvis). If she considers exercising her body "altering" her body.....then she certainly doesn't understand what exercise is all about.

If he's got a "problem" with her being "too big".....it's really his own feeling of being too small that's causing him a problem. And if he thinks that having children will make her bigger yet, he doesn't understand anything about the female anatomy. The vagina basically stretches only as far as it has to to accept any size penis, no more than that. Possibly because she's enjoying the sex, she's too well lubricated, and that can be fixed by just having a tissue or washcloth handy to dry it up a little.

Then again, if she knows he feels inadequate, she's not a very sensitive person if she tells him that some idiot on TV said that "size matters". Talk about kicking someone when they're down!

I can't help but wonder what he's doing to attempt to "improve" his size.....which short of plastic surgery, is impossible. Pills, pumps, or any other junk that's sold online, are nothing more than "snake oil". He needs to understand that the problem is his, and his g/f seems to be unable to convey to him that she's satisfied, which is what counts, NOT the size.

The saddest part of all is that most guys like this are so hung up on their "perceived" inadequacy that they don't seem to understand that their penis, no matter what the size, is only ONE tool that they have to pleasure a woman, and that 80% of women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone anyway!

It's very sad......she seems to be satisfied, although somewhat insensitive to his problems. He's not satisfied, but he's trying to blame HER size for his problem, when in reality, it's HIS problem, and it's his perception of himself that's bothering him. First he says he has premature ejaculation.....which says he must be getting the "stimulation" he needs, then he says he can't finish because she's too loose. Well, which is it? She doesn't need kegels as much as he needs a healthy dose of self confidence.

I think he's very confused, and very hung up on himself. If he can't get over it on his own, then maybe he needs some professional help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 5:56am

HI,

I am actually the one that this was asked here on behalf of, I was hoping not to have to join another board but well guess I will.

I am insecure about my size and that was basically the catalyst for this whole thing, because she brought it up. She has said that I give her the most intense orgasms she has ever had but that bigger is better. So assumingly based on that if I had a bigger penis to go with our incredible emotional relationship she would have even more incredible orgasms.

As far as my insecurity being the issue, that is incorrect. Yes I am insecure and that is my issue alone, but I know I satisfy here and we do have some incredible sex... except for the fact that sometimes I cannot finish because of what I stated, also I can nt "go slow" as there is not enough tightness to keep me erect. In the past I have been with enough women that were very excited and equally as lubricated and who were defenitely tighter.

As far as childbirth I have spoken with people that have and have not noticed a difference after birth.

I'm not attempting to improve my size, I have improved my size and that was not through surgery (too risky) or pills (snake oil). But that is really beside the point other than saying I wouldn't ask her to do anything I wouldn't be willing to do myself.

Trust me, I am not too hung up on my size to realize that my penis is only one way to get her off, but it is the most consistent way to get her off. I love pleasing her other ways but she doesn't care for them very much and often begs me to get on to the intercourse, which is sad because in the tounge department I am well endowed, and very skilled. As far as the 80%... she is in the other 20%.

I can say without a doubt that her size does affect my pleasure, But I am not BLAMING her I am simply asking her to try something that could help, if it doesn't at least I know she tried and I will be happy. I have always been nsecure about my penis size and have been with plently of women who I did not please half as much as I please her and I never had a problem like this before. And at least one of them outright tried to hurt me with the knowledge of my insecurity, but I was still able to get off with her.

I am very self aware and know that my issues with my size are my own, and try and work through them on my own and not let thm affect my relationships. I do nt need proffessional help.

So in summary.

I please my girlfriend
I am insecure about my penis size
I have some diffuculties getting pleasure from intercourse due to a lack of tightness
my insecurity is not a factor in my lack of pleasure
I would like some advise on how to convince my girlfriend to try an excersize that I have heard works from numerous people both male and female.

Sorry if I sound upset, I just am kind of sad because I thought this would be the response I would get. I should have left out my insecurity because it really has very little to do with this other than how I managed to bring this subject up. I am actually a lot more secure about my size than I have been in the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:35am

I do kegals all the time. I do not look at it as modifying my body - it is just a toning thing to me - especially after having kids. I've been doing them since the birth of my first child 18 years ago per advice from my doc.

My husband *loves* it when I do it during intercourse. It increases the pleasure for both of us. The first time I did it with him he was amazed. "Wow! What was that?" It surprised me as I assumed many women did that. Learn something new everyday!

Try printing out some info for your gal to read and it may help her understand better.

How to kegal: http://www.childbirth.org/articles/kegel.html

Kegal for enhanced sexual pleasure: http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/Spa/4502/vagex.html

good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:40am

Being that there are differences in human anatomy, then I'll accept your theory that she's too loose. But Kegel's do NOT tighten the vaginal muscles. They only strenghthen the PC muscles. Those muscles are at the opening of the vagina, and have nothing to do with the inner muscles.

Why she's so adamant about not doing the kegels is anyone's guess. Does she go to a gym? Does she exercise to "keep in shape". If she does.....then she's "altering" her body, according to her opinion. Doing kegels is easy, they can be done while sitting at work, driving a car, or watching TV. They don't work up a sweat, and they don't "alter" the body in any way.

If she'd do them........she might be able to flex those muscles during intercourse, but that is still not going to make her vagina tighter. If anything, you'll feel a slight pulsation at the opening. This would be similar to the muscle spasms that she has during an orgasm.

It seems to me that since you're so convinced that she's too loose, and you predict "serious" problems down the line....that she isn't the person you should spend your life with. She can't change her anatomy, excepting thru plastic surgery....and if she won't do kegels, I doubt very much if she'd agree to surgery.

Maybe it's time to cut your losses, and move on. Try to find someone more physically suited to you. If you're convinced that there will be problems, then what's the point of continuing? I wish you luck!

PS: Just curious....have you tried various positions, which might give you the "friction" that you want/need?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 12:43pm

No, kegals will not make her tighter. HOWEVER it will allow her to grasp and stimulate you. BIG benefit for her is that it increases the flow of blood to her vagina and helps her orgasams. It will be to her benefit. You will benefit as well. It will also be to her benefit because childbirth will be easier, and it will also avoid that issue of leaking urine after childbirth.

I never considered them untill after child birth and it has been a big improvement. Actually kegals make me horny sometimes. It sounds to me if she thinks she is being asked to loose weight or get a boob job. You need to figure out how to let her know in a nice way that this is something to benefit her, not something you need to make sex work.

Of course her attitude sucks and she just needs to let go and look at the benefits to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:53pm

GTB:
"If she'd do them........she might be able to flex those muscles during intercourse, but that is still not going to make her vagina tighter. If anything, you'll feel a slight pulsation at the opening. This would be similar to the muscle spasms that she has during an orgasm."

GTB, you are very seriously underestimating the role of Kegels and strengthened PC muscles in providing sexual pleasure to the man. That "slight pulsation" "similar to the muscle spasms...during intercourse" feels great to a man. And when the PC muscles are strong it isn't slight at all. I also understand that strengthened PC muscles increase pleasure for the woman and increase her chances of orgasming during intercourse (more contractions!!!!).

taoist

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:53pm

As far as the kegels go, I see it being similar to her saying to you "I believe that 6-pack abs on you will improve my sexual experience". It's entirely up to you though whether or not you spend the not inconsiderable time and effort to get that 6-pack ab. It's a considerable commitment to maintain muscles in that shape.

I also wonder if it will be as successful as you hope it will be. Strong kegel muscles are nice, but I'm not sure that they will solve this problem.

You're g/f raised the issue of penis size after the documentary on TV - sounds to me that she was already aware of your insecurity and was attempting to show that penis size is not as important to her because although she liked a larger penis, she was having her best orgasms with you and was satisfied with YOUR penis. It doesn't sound to me that she was saying that with a bigger penis she'd have bigger orgasms. I think that you've taken what she said the wrong way and put a negative spin on it when she meant it to be very positive.

Have you talked to her about foreplay and oral sex? Have you really talked about it? Does she know that you enjoy it? Why doesn't she feel that she wants or needs foreplay and oral sex? This is one area that could be enhanced. Something to work at.

How big a problem (no pun intended) is this vagina size issue? Are you sure it's not more of a case of trying different positions or changing how you move during intercourse? Some positions make the vagina feel larger than others. Moving differently can put pressure on differerent areas of your penis.

At the end of the day, you say you haven't pleased half as many women as much as you please her. If you decide that this is a big problem and leave her to find another woman with a tighter vagina you may end up finding someone that you can't please - or they might have a vagina the same size as hers anyway. Back to square one.

I still think that there is more that you can do and try, even without giving the kegel exercises a go. And if you do convince her to try the kegel exercises don't expect miracles. You're seeing this as magic bullet in some ways. If you still think that you have to leave her to find a tighter vagina, then so be it. It would be a shame because it sounds like most other things in this relationship (and the sexual side of it) are great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:58pm

Thank you all for your feedback.

I realize you can only theorize as to her intention of saying what she did. Let me expand a little- the first thing she said was "this will probably make you mad" (As she knows I have a self image issue regarding my penis as we have talked about it before) to which I replied "then is it something you really want to tell me" and she proceeded to tell me about the documentary she had watched, also told me anyone who says size doesn't matter is lying or inexperienced. Told me it would probably be better if I was bigger.

I don't know how succesful it will be if she does kegel. If it doesn't improve anything well then it doesn't but at least she has made an effort, and I will love her for that.

If she told me that she was not as satisfied as she could be and that if I got a sixpack it would help her, I would at least try to get a sixpack. Or if she said my face was to rough, I'd shave more often or closer to the act.

I am very sexually aware. I love trying out new positions, kissing every inch of her body, trying out new things with her, etc.

She likes foreplay and accepts small amounts of oral but gets off more from intercourse, again her getting off is not an issue, it usually happens multiple times per session.Yes I have really talked to her about it, she knows what I like, I am very open and communicative.

It is a rather big problem for me, I am a guy and am very sexual, I need sex and I need a lot of it and I need it to be satisfying, does that make me shallow? no it makes me a man. Like I said before if she tries and we see no improvement I will still love her and be true. What really gets me is that she is not willing to even try this for us.

I don't know if it will be succesful either, but I know the chances of success from her kegeling are zero if she doesn't kegel.

Trust me I would not have brought up kegels to her if I had not exhausted every other possibility I could think of, starting with positions.

That is why I am asking advice on how to talk to her about it. Not advice on what I can do to improve things without that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 10:18pm

Whatever the issues are, implying that she needs to 'tighten that thing up' to make sex better for you is not the way to go! (not saying you said exactly that, but it seems to be the crux of the matter.)

Kegels will benefit *her* immensely. Kegels strengthen the pelvic floor, which supports the bladder and uterus. Women are often advised to do Kegels to avoid stress incontinence as they age (urine leakage when you laugh, cough, sneeze, etc. Then too, if her muscles are in good shape, she will probably be *able* to orgasm easier, and feel those orgasms much more intensely. It's not just a ring of muscles she's contracting, it's strengthening the whole pelvic floor. That's a *good* thing, sex aside. They won't make her vaginal walls snugger, but she will be able to control those muscles, contract them during sex, and that alone feels great to men.

I'm a bit confused as the modifying part. Exercise of any kind isn't like having plastic surgery. Why anyone would be uneasy with making any part of their body stronger is beyond me. But maybe her refusal has been in the approach of the subject...?

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