Asking her to kegel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Asking her to kegel
19
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:44pm

Hi,

In one of the forums I frequent, I came across a post I thought I should forward for the ladies here to respond to. The original poster's name is stubby, and with his permission, I present you his dilemma...

My Girlfriend knows how I feel about the size of my unit and the other day she brought it up as she saw something on 20/20 that says size matters. She has said it matters but the most intense orgasms she has ever had are with me, not the guy that was big.

So anyway we get to talking and or arguing about sex and I had mentioned kegels to her before. She basically asked me point blank if it affected the quality of our sex(her size). So I asked if she really wanted to know this and she said yes. So I answered her truthfully (yes it does affect the sex) and she said she didn't know if she wanted to do that (kegel) as it was modifying her body. She said it was equivalent to asking me to get a penis enlargement, I disagreed as there is a difference to doing something that is not bad for your body and basically just exercising versus having a risky operation. I have hinted that I am attempting to improve my size and she doesn't say anything about that.

I would not have brought it up with her if it wasn't a serious issue for me. When we have sex there are times that I cannot finish due the the fact that it is not tight enough, and that is saying something especially coming from someone that has/does struggle with premature ejaculation.

So Ladies (and gentlemen) what is your advice? How do I let her know what this really means to me? If she said my size was an issue I would gladly PE (if I wasn't already) to try and make her happy. I'm not even sure that the kegels will help except for after childbirth getting back to her present size, but if I knew she had at least tried and it wouldn't change I would accept that. I am really concerned especially as this is someone I would consider having kids with and if that stretched it out any more it will become a VERY serious problem. I love this girl but if I do not have a satisfying sex life there will be serious problems.

-Stubbs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 3:02am

I defenitely informed her of all the health and sex benefits it has for women.

I think at some point in the discussion she asked me if I had been with tighter and then asked where she stood in the range and if it affected my pleasure. I know it would have been easier to lie to her but that would cause more problems than it would fix.

I think basically it was modifying her body because she didn't want to do it. She excersizes , wears makeup plucks her eyebrows, etc and doesn't have an issue with those, but when I she said those are different.

I approached it as gently as I could. I actually brought it up a long time ago telling her that there is this excersize we both can do that is supposed to make orgasms more intense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 5:13am

I don't understand why she's so unwilling to please you, while you sound very willing to please her. Maybe you two just aren't compatible sexually, on both physical and mental levels. Such physical or mental incompatibility doesn't mean shallowness at all.

I don't know if there's any good way of bringing up the subject to her again. You probably just have to be honest and direct. Use a sincere, gentle, sensitive voice, and don't go around in circles with all those facts and benefits of kegel etc. (since she already knows it because you have informed her before). Sometimes factual info can be annoying. Just say to her that you would like her to try kegel because you're really really curious about it... it won't matter if that'll make any difference, you just would like your curiosity fulfilled. Then beg her in your cutest voice possible with your puppy eyes, "please please pretty please..." My husband can get me to try pretty much anything with that approach... well, but I am quite easily pleased... so I don't know if your gf would fall for that, but worth a try, I think.

More importantly, once you notice any little difference (or are sure that she's tried kegel), be sure to compliment her with moaning/words/cards/flowers/gifts etc.

Well, good luck and best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 8:51am

Here's a question...

When she orgasms, assuming you're inside, does she squeeze down? If she does, make a comment how good that feels. To the best of my knowledge, the PC muscle involuntary spasms during a woman's orgasm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:48am

What we have here is a failure to communicate! On two levels! Between you and your partner, AND between you and the people who have replied to your post.

She isn't willing to do one simple thing to at least try to "appease" you. You say she exercises, uses makeup, etc. THAT is altering her body. However, doing the Kegels is something she won't try because it would alter her body?

She isn't sensitive to you or your feelings. She opened the discussion about what she'd seen on TV by saying "this is going to make you mad"! If she knew that, then WHY did she tell you about it? If my partner had a big nose, and I saw something on TV about big noses being a turnoff for women.....I wouldn't tell him about it. NOT if I cared about him and/or his feelings.

It's also entirely possible that she's gotten tired of being told that she's too "loose", and telling you what she saw on TV was just "pay back", or an attempt to get you to DROP the whole thing.

Although it certainly wouldn't hurt her to at least TRY for a while, to see what might happen, I think you're placing entirely TOO MUCH credence on Kegels. They are NOT going to fix your problem. And it is still your problem, since she's NOT complaining about the sex, you are.

Also, in your first post......you said if something doesn't change, there will be SERIOUS problems in the future. Now, you say you will love her regardless. Hmmmmm.....you'll love her.....but you'll have serious problems?

If she won't try to please you on this small thing, then she's certainly not putting your feelings first. So, why are you staying with her? Why not just move on and find someone who is more suited to what you want or need to be sexually fulfilled?

I think you're beating a dead horse. She's not pleasing you, and she's not going to even attempt to do what you're asking her to do. YOu've asked her, and she's said no. How many times, in how many ways can you ask the same question?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 11:06am

From the first post by Muttley:


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:18pm

Sorry, but your reply to 'have you been with 'tighter' should have been "I've never even thought about that. I love YOU and every inch of your body."

I can't imagine why she even asked this, to be honest. I've been with DH for over 20 years and I've never asked him if he's had tighter, better, louder, etc etc. First off, I don't WANT to know, secondly, he's with ME so he must be liking what he's got, and third, I don't ever want to put him in the position of comparison to previous partners, any more than I would want him to do that to me. It's not fair to anyone to ask those kind of questions or compare a lover to previous partners.

If she's willing to 'modify' her body in some ways, there's more to this than her just not wanting to change anything. I'd say there's issues here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 3:27pm

>>I realize you can only theorize as to her intention of saying what she did. Let me expand a little...<<

OK, I was taking the soft line on this when I thought that maybe she was being nice about it and saying that your penis size was actually OK. It is now clear that wasn't her intention in the first place. I have to wonder if she was retaliating to your discussions about kegels and her tightness. Perhaps she was trying to demonstrate to you that no-one is perfect because she was sick of you talking about kegels and tightness.

For whatever reason, she feels that kegel exercises are unnecessary and she doesn't want to do them. I think the 'modifying her body' is an excuse, not the real reason. Perhaps she was brought up to think that things like kegels that are primarily for sexual pleasure are strange and weird. I would guess that the real reasons are all tied up in with her perceptions and feelings about sex in general.

In some ways it seems that the two of you are battling back and forth with this. You get offended when she talks about your penis size, she gets offended when you suggest her vagina could be tighter. You say there are serious problems on the horizon, I suspect that she probably thinks that serious problems are on the horizon if you don't drop the subject.

I can't see that there is much more than you can do than to sit down with her and have a discussion about your sex life, and your relationship. I think that the two of you need to get each others feelings out into the open and have an open and frank discussion about the problem, possible solutions and the feelings that both of you have about this. I wonder if she feels that it's YOU that has the problem yet you want HER to do something to solve YOUR problem? Whatever it is, there's more to this whole thing than just wondering how to ask her to do the exercises.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 5:15pm

The first time I ever brought up kegels it was basically saying I read about this excersize men and women can both do to make there orgasms better. No mention of her size AT ALL.

She did not bring up the penis size thing in retaliotion to my comments about her size, The conversation started with her bringing it up and progressed to her asking me about tightness, and then the kegels came up.

I only brought up the medical benefits after she said it was modifying her body and might not be good.

The Serious problem would be her unwillingness to try this out. If it doesn't work we can explore the guys answer to not getting there women off through intercourse- more oral sex. Which is another thing that took some serious convincing to get.

So I should have Lied to her about it? tell her I've never thought about it? Maybe but then how will I ever convince her to Kegel?

I get offended when she brings up things like "size matters" knowing I have self image issues about this. I can understand her getting offended when I answered her question about her size honestly. We are different in that if she said you know if you lost weight there would be more penis for us to work with I'd be a little offended but would not close my mind to the possibilty and would do it if she asked. But unfortunately I am skinny-ish so that wouldn;t help.She however can really closer her mind off and won't even consider things.

Again- yes my self image issue about my penis is mine and mine alone. It does not affect me sexually except maybe helping me be more creative. I have had sex with tighter women and there is no issue there, I could come to orgasm everytime and never lost an erection during intercourse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 8:34pm

I'm out of suggestions. I don't know what she's thinking. You might just have to face the possibility that she, for whatever reason, isn't prepared to even consider doing kegels.

The only way that I can see you working this out is to sit down with her and talk about it without getting to a stage where both of you start to vent and get frustrated about the other's unwillingness to agree to your point of view - or inability to just drop the matter.

Getting frustrated, stonewalled or angry about it isn't going to help, but if she doesn't want to talk then she doesn't want to talk. Unfortunately, I can see that if you push it too hard she's just going to shut down and not want to hear another thing about it, which would be shame because it's really all about problems in the relationship first and sexual issues second.

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