Attracted to Another

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Attracted to Another
12
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:02am

Last night I faced a major love-life dilemma...

My ex(25) and I(28) have been talking for awhile about getting back together. We broke up 7 months ago, but we've had sex twice since. He's asked to get back together a couple of times before, but I've always felt I was too busy to be a good girlfriend (I work full-time and go to college at night), which is the reason we broke up in the first place. I also live with my elderly grandmother, who expects me to spend any free time with her.

I'm going to be 29 this year, and have decided that I need to make some decisions. I still love my ex and want to ask him to take me back - but I don't know how. I'm not taking classes this summer, so I have extra time. The only real problem I felt was that he works nights, I work days.

But now - I've become very attracted to another man. He is a friend of a couple that I've become really good friends with. This couple knows my ex, and think he's a really good guy. But I find myself growing more and more attracted to their friend - who is quiet and shy, total opposite of my ex.

Last night a group of us went to the races, this guy was in the featured race. Later he met us at the bar, wearing his racing clothes. I was totally in lust with him(...and still am). I asked my friend if it was okay to find him extremely attractive, and she said yes.

So, my dilemma...Why do I find this guy sooooo attractive if I still love my ex? Why am I constantly thinking about him?

Liz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:26am

What makes you think you "love" your ex? If you'd loved him, you wouldn't have been "too busy" to be his girlfriend. If you really loved him, you would have found a way to have more time for him. YOu've also muddied the waters by continuing to have sex with him, after you broke up with him.

Now you meet someone to whom you're attracted. Why do you need your friends permission to find him attractive? Also, has he shown any interest in you? Whether or not you're attracted to him has no bearing on whether or not he finds you just as attractive, or whether he's interested in you.

In any case, you broke up with your b/f 7 months ago. You are a free agent, and you're free to pursue anyone you want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:36am

Just so you know, there are some pretty insightful posters on the Guy Talk message board that just crave (!) this type of discussion, so think about posting this there too.

I think attractions just happen, period. I don't think we can always control who we're attracted to, but we do not have to let those attractions control us in the process. Does this friend really have something that your ex doesn't that is so much more appealing?

I don't think its impossible NOR is it that uncommon for people to actually be attracted to more than one person. In fact, it still happens so often even after couples get married.

Maybe its just an infatuation phase resulting from that friend being such a nice guy or something, and then it'll pass. Who really knows. If you keep focusing on him, time to reconsider those plans with your ex obviously.

 

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:49am

IF you were truly still in love with your EX, then I doubt that you would find this other guy so attractive and you certainly wouldn't be thinking about him all the time.

I think you realize that you won't have time to spend with your EX, you've been there, done that and it didn't work. So, maybe this attraction is telling you that your "radar" is still very much up and that you don't really want to go back for more of the same with your Ex.

But you sound confused to me and that's not the time to make decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 8:12pm

I've been thinking today about why I am attracted to this guy...all I can think of it that he's someone I could have a lot of fun with. The friends that I know him through are a riot!

Dangerous sport? Quiet? Shy? Little older? All opposited of my ex.

Nice? Cute? Likable? Same qualities as my ex.

My parents have been married 25 years, and my mother says that she doesn't want work with other men because she's afraid she might develop a crush.

I think he knows that I'm interested...he caught me looking at him more than a few times.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:39pm

Wise mom you have. She deliberately set boundaries so that any interest, curiosity or even unintentional crush never had a chance to form in the very first place.

You haven't gone that route though, you've thought about that friend more and more, even to the point of posting about him again. Maybe it actually be best to hold off any plans with the ex after all? Doesn't sound like the ex is your chief/only interest anymore.

Your future, good luck to you.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 11:17pm

Hi Smithten,
I believe your feelings for your ex are not fully satisfying. You are still in a relationship with him because you have not broken it off completely. You need to ask yourself, Are the issues that broke you up still going to be a problem?

You are looking across the fence to see if the grass is greener. You are not ready for a relationship with your ex...you have moved on but forgot to let go of the him!
Go for the race car driver...he sounds HOT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:27pm

I've always looked at the grass on the other side. And it scares me. I broke up with one guy because I knew there was someone better out there for me. And there was another who used and abused me for 2 years, and I cheated on him 4 times.

As for the issues that broke us up in the first place - yes, they are still there. He has a drinking problem. His idea of a good time is sitting in a bar all night and drinking. I've told him that I actually want to go out on dates...doesn't interest him at all. I'm in the process of trying to buy a house, and thought maybe if we had a place to spend time together, things could be different. Right now he still lives with his parents and I live with my grandmother. I'm hanging on because of my need to save him - I realize now there is no saving him if he doesn't want it. I hate psychoanalysis!!!!

As for this other guy - I'm just going to sit back and see what happens. He's a little older than me - 34, which I like. If we're just friends? Oh well. As long as he doesn't mind me drooling...lol. He knows I think he's hot, he caught me looking at him a few times. And I did buy him a drink. And I did offer to help him get out of his gear...

Thanks for your help!!!

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 10:29pm

Hi - yeah - it's me...I'm back.

So I finally decided to try to talk to this other guy. It took me about 15 minutes to get up the courage to ask him when he started racing. And he went on for a 1/2 hour! Later, when we all decided to leave, it was really foggy and I didn't know how I was going to make it home. London has thinner fog than this was. Anyways - I was going slow, and he flew past me in his really big truck. We live in the same general area, so I followed him to my turn. I saw him last night, and thanked him for letting me follow him part of the way home - he laughed and asked if I had trouble keeping up...

I'm taking this all was a good sign!!!

As for my ex - he was also there the first night, and I felt absolutely nothing for him. In fact, I may have to hurt him physically if I hear the same old story ONE MORE TIME!!!

Blessings -

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 4:20am
OH well, have fun with this new guy. Sounds to me as if it's over with the ex and that you're hanging on to the past when you consider getting back together with him. The same old problems are still there with him and you find yourself attracted to someone-else. Time to move on and leave the ex in the past.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 4:28am

I would advise against getting back with your ex for the time being and sort out your feelings.

1) You have broken up with your ex and have had sex with him on at least two seperate occassions

2) Your ex creates a good impression on others

3) Ex and yourself have different work schedules

4) You find someone else attractive

5) There is some attraction between the new guy and yourself.

Based on these facts I think you might be feeling obligated to go back to your ex. There is still an emotional attachment that you are saving for a 'just in case....'

Now you are confronted with a choice

a) See this new guy
b) go back to the ex

knowing once you choose you will more likely than not loose the other.

Continue seeing this other guy in a group situation and avoid getting involved with him for the time being. While you are still seeing this person in a group situation, begin distancing yourself from you ex. Based on your posting I suspect there are other reasons why you broke up with him other than work schedules but nobody besides yourself needs to know all of the reasons. As you start separating yourself from your ex you will find your decision becominning clearer.

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