Bad boys?..whats the attraction?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Bad boys?..whats the attraction?
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Mon, 09-20-2004 - 4:58pm
Is it true that many women want a really nice guy, but only after they have had their brains screwed out by all the bad boys they can handle? What is the attraction of a male slut, who treats a woman so poorly?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:58pm
What about his self-esteem? Anybody who has to degrade another and treat them in such a manner has to have low self-esteem. For some reason his self-esteem is always overlooked. People who have to degrade others and use other people do it to feed their egos and obtain self-esteem, just as she is doing the same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:07pm

>>but I also believe that if a woman has no moral, and sleeps with him the first night, no matter how good this bad boy can get, he will never take her seriously<<


Claudia,

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:24pm
I don't agree with you. I love rollercoasters and never get bored of them, returning to my favorite rickety Colossus time and time again. But I do get a special kick when they operate it backwards for a brief period each year around Halloween.

>>Its about insecurity, ego,curiousity,etc. People rationalise it by saying they "love sex" or they want different experiances, or one person cant satisfy my needs..whatever. They are searching for who they really are.<<

Sure there may be some out there that have sex with various partners for the reasons you mention. Curiousity and experience may have been factors for me when I was younger, but they no longer are, nor are any of the other reasons you mention. Your comments make me wonder whether you have gone long stretches of adult life without sex or affection. Sex and affection are basic human needs. And when I don't get them because I'm not in a relationship, I still need them and then I get them elsewhere. Does this make me a bad person or one that will not be able to be monogomous when I am in a relationship? Doubtful, as I have been monogomous in previous long term relationships. I find your reasoning unnecessarily extreme. If you in fact were more promiscuous in your youth why weren't you one of the people who slid down the slippery slope you describe?

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:42pm
What you are saying may be true for some. But the main reason I was into the last bad boy was because I liked the out of control feeling. My life is currently very structured, i leave the house at 8am and return at 10:30pm because I work full time and am pursuing my law degree at night. I needed the thrill of the unpredictable, which I could not at this point in my life provide for myself because I'm so overscheduled. Is this immature -- maybe -- but in no way is my behavior based on self-esteem issues I may have. It's more than likely that the bad boy represented a freedom that part of me desires but is too responsible to live out, so i lived it vicariously by having him in my life.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:17am
sugar, in theory, nothing is ever 100% correct, but the fact that maybe you have had several(just guessing) longterm relationships makes my point. People THINK they need sex and affection, but it is deeper than that. What they dont find in the relationship they are in. and isnt what they were looking for, they may move on and keep "searching" On occation it may just be lust, repeated promisucus behavior isnt just about sex.(my humble opinion)
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:37pm
it is true, i have been in several long term relationships. but they have ended for good reasons. the first i was involved in from age 21-27, in which i discovered the person had a drinking problem, didn't think he wanted children, as well as wanting to maintain a lifestyle of a "starving artist" -- all of which i decided was not for me. none of these were apparent at the beginning of the relationship. the second was 29-30 with a person who ended up leaving the country for several years (he's still gone). there were serious issues regarding how we approach money and the importance of family, and some other major issues that we attempted to work through. anyways, he will be back mid-next year and we may pick it up again.

my point is, things haven't worked out not because of ego, insecurity, curiosity, etc., that you mentioned before. i was monogomous in these relationships, but there were serious issues that we weren't able to work through.

of course sex and affection are not the only things needed for a lasting relationship. but as i stated before, they are things i still need when not in a long term relationship. hence, my occasional encounters of the short term nature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 1:44pm
Look at it this way...

When you see a woman with an abusive, unfaithful bad boy, consider yourself fortunate.

You found out early that she's damaged goods with emotional problems, instead of getting involved with her and finding out later after she's dragged you down.

She can be book smart, successful, and drop-dead gorgeous...but the second she starts dating a bad boy, she reveals her biggest weakness: her self-hatred and low-self-esteem.

Also, the bad boys also have low-self-esteem. The fact that they have to go to so much trouble to project a false image of supposedly being tough and aloof and a rebel means that they are actually very insecure and weak and uncomfortable with themselves.

So...low-self-esteem attracts low-self-esteem.

When a confident, healthy good guy sees a woman with a bad boy, he should breathe a sigh of relief that he isn't involved with a woman who is that messed up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:30pm
Why so much disdain? If anything I feel sorry for them. Same for him. If someone has to abuse another, what in their eventful life had caused it, and what in someone's life had caused them to permit others to hurt them? Life is so complex. Wouldn't it be fruitful if each of us had built in computers that recorded everything that happened in our lives and our thoughts along with it? So that after we died they were dedicated to science, played back, analyzed, and used to help understand the complexity of life. I don't know about you, but I would love to know what happened to people that made them do the things they've done, particularly the horrendous criminal's mind. I'd bet we'd all be shocked at what they endured(or at least their interpretations of it). Also, To have the technology to see the changes in the physical brain in a person's lifetime to correlate it with events in their lives(thoughts change the brain). Who cares about outerspace--we need to solve the mysteries of innerspace.


Edited 10/2/2004 4:33 pm ET ET by life_is_but_a_dream
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 2:32pm
The ignorance of some people will always amaze me.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 11:04pm
No, I'M sorry that you have such a misguided idea of "respect for women". I agree that men shouldn't cheat on or hit women, but there's much more to respecting women than that! A man must also hold women of all walks of life in the highest regard in order to truly respect women. This includes those women who have had bad experiences with ALL types of men. Arrogance and a belief that some women are damaged goods DO NOT indicate respect toward women. Women are human beings, not inanimate objects! As for my description of my personal experiences, you apparently have no understanding of what naive means. My hope that the man I encountered would change was based entirely on inexperience. As I also stated, I learned my lessons well. Just as I quickly realized that man would only change if he sincerely chose to, I realize the same of you. Your hatred of women who have experienced life is far more troubling than anything anyone else has said here so far.

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