Bedroom Problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
Bedroom Problems
4
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:34am

I would just like to vent if that’s at all ok, and welcome any comments, experience, and/or advice you may have <3

The basics:
I’ve been with my fiancé for 6 ½ years. We are both 24 years old and about 2 months ago, we moved in together and got engaged.
Before living together, our schedules would permit us to see each other about 4 times a week. During those days, sex was always second nature to us and completely incredible as I guess distance makes the naughty parts grow fonder lol. During this summer I noticed some changes in his libido (LOW). If either of us initiated, he would always just lie in bed and want me on top. If it was oral on me, I’d still have to be on top. I found this incredibly odd, and just attributed it to his long work days where he stood on his semi-faulty knees. I also found myself having to initiate almost 90% of the time. He denies this…but believe me, I just couldn’t keep putting my body up against his enough.

Now I have always had a HIGH libido. I would even consider myself kinky, where I love to try different positions/toys and am bi-curious. However, my fiancé is pretty much plain old vanilla with spurts of kink. Put aside the fact that I just can’t completely be “myself” in the bedroom with him because of my inhibition to show him just how dirty I want to be – it’s an issue I’m working through already, taking it one night at a time.
But I’ve tried before and with lackluster results and rejection. Certain things he just WON’T do because they are “disrespectful to a woman he loves”…whatever that means. Maybe it’s the cultural background, as my best friend’s former boyfriend wouldn’t do what she asked either.
I guess that’s why I don’t attempt it anymore, and often find myself doing things alone or fantasizing of an ex-boyfriend who would (I started early).

Now that we live together - and are engaged - things have taken quite a turn. I ASSUMED sex would be a given each and every day. I’m exaggerating, but I definitely thought it would happen more often than it does. Cut to a few weeks ago.
Night 1) After aunt flow had departed town, I wanted him. Waited all day for him. And when he got home, I initiated and he just couldn’t get it up. So he went down on me…but I just didn’t want that. So he got upset with me. After this night, I explained that I needed him to be more aggressive and initiate more (open communication/gold star for me). He agreed that I need to do the same?!?
Night 2) He got home from the gym and woke me up for some fun. During the whole session, it was never fully erect, more like his penis was saying “Do we have to? Can’t we do this another time?”
Night 3) I initiated and wanted to be on top. He went soft. Blamed it on me being too wet. I was completely upset. I told him it was fine (even though my face didn’t). I went to sleep only to find a subscription the next morning to a Latin porn site purchased that night. Completely distressed, I left him a note relative to something else on the printout, just to slightly imply to him that finding this the morning after he couldn’t get it on with me has made me pretty upset.
I got over this though. Rationally, I figured he probably had a bad case of blueballs by now and just needed the release. With or without me.
*As an aside, him watching porn is not an issue to me. Him watching porn after he can’t do me bothers me.
Night 4) 2 days later, I get over my womanly fear of losing him to masturbation (lol) and initiate again. For the forth time, his penis wants nothing to do with me. So I breakdown. I couldn’t take it. And he kept repeating “I’m thinking too much, trying to hard to focus, please don’t think it’s you or anything else for that matter”.

At this point, I’m just distressed. I know there are many many many reasons for what’s happening and although it’s happened before in the 6 ½ years we’ve been together, it hasn’t been 4 times in a row. And not with the newfound low libido he’s embraced. So I start rationally analyzing things…
Why would he be like this or be physically reacting this way.
-His workout regimen. He may be taking a supplement to make his muscles hard and his penis soft.
-His work schedule/stress. It can’t be easy doing what he does for a living.

And then I start doing the “girl thing” and blaming myself:
-My weight loss. I went from 140 to 110. Size 7 to Size 1. Lost lots of curvy parts. He may miss them and is turning to curvy Latin women on the net.
-Our new relationship status?

What’s bothering me the most is that throughout this summer, I’m finding myself not wanting him as much as I used to and even being a bit turned off by him :(
I’m not looking forward to sex with him as I fear how it’ll “end up”. And I seem to be enjoying myself more by myself, with my fantasies in place.
I know this post may sound extremely over sexed but it’s just the one area (as stupid as it sounds) that I’ve always been self confident in. Some people can speak comfortably in large crowds; I feel the same way with my sexuallity. But these last few months have been such a blow to my ego and my sexual compatibility to him, I fear I may be losing that confidence in myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:19am

Hi plumsugar!

If you look at my recent posts on a few of these boards you will see that I have had a few bouts with ED. That said... if you are looking for a little bit of advice, one is to try not to talk to him about his failures during or after a failure in the bedroom. It sounds like you have tried that for the most part except when you felt really hurt. I am kind of surprised that it didnt go worse than it did.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably get him away, where he can focus on just you and himself, and talk. There could be a number of things going on here and communication is very big. Spell out for him what your sexual desires are and what you are wanting and needing in the bedroom. And allow him to do the same. This is only going to work though if BOTH of you are relaxed and willing enough to go there. You also need to go there without attacking or pointing fingers at each other. This is not a you or he are doing this wrong, but rather where were we in our intimate life, where are we now, and where will we be and what we want out in the future.

You could be on to something with the supplements. We dont always know what are in those things. Also, you mentioned something about him having bad knees. That could play a part as far as what positions are comfortable for him. Especially if he is in the gym on a consistant basis pushing those knees... they might be really painful after working out. Suggest to him to save some of that energy for you and you will give him a good workout!! :) The fact that he is still trying after failure and still trying to please you via orally is a good thing. It is showing that he still cares about your needs.
Good luck on this, I hope it all works out for you!! OH... and congrads on the weight loss!!! That is good! I hope you DO feel better about yourself. As far as whether he misses the curves, that is something you will have to ask him. But, if you felt unhealthy at that weight, you need to do what is right for you, not him. Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 1:49pm

You two are not sexually compatible. He's "vanilla"......you're not! "Vanilla" doesn't miraculously change to "cinnamon".....it stays vanilla! Unless you can see yourself pretending to be "vanilla" for the rest of your life, you've got to fix your problems.

You both need to find some kind of compromise that will make you both happy. If not, you'll be miserable, and he'll be using porn to satisfy himself. If you can't discuss it rationally, and come to a compromise, then your relationship is doomed. Don't even THINK about getting married, unless you get some marriage counselling, to see if it can be worked out. You can't change him.....you can only change yourself. Are you willing to become "vanilla"?

There's a lot more to a good relationship than sex, but if you're miserable in the bedroom you'll be just as miserable outside the bedroom! You had a false idea of what living together would be like, and in your case maybe it's good that you tried it out. Because now you know what your marriage will be like, and it doesn't sound very good. He'll be unhappy and so will you. There's nothing "wrong" with either one of you, but you have two different ideas of what sex should be like. Fix it, or end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 6:36pm

You know what? I think that there is a lot more to this than problems in the bedroom. I think that you should seriously reconsider the marriage at the moment - or at least not set a date for the wedding at this point.

You "can't be yourself". We're not just talking about being embarrassed to ask about one or two specific sexual acts. This is about your whole sexual whole personality. If you can't be 100% (or at least 95%) who you are with the person that you are going to marry then what does that say about compatibility? Having been together for 6+ years you should have worked this out and be more in sync with one another but you are still holding back a great big part of yourself. What makes you think that it will get better?

Frankly I think that BOTH of you are reaching a make or break point in this relationship. You've been together since you were young and will have seen and been through many changes in the six years you've been together. You are both very different people now copared to what you were six years ago. Maybe you are reaching a point where you have both changed and need to move on? Maybe what you've got is only good because it's comfortable and familiar, not because it's really meeting your needs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 1:28am
In addition to the compatability issue that exists, I see a lack foresight and focus on behalf of "Vanilla Icy." First, living together changes the face of many aspects of a relationship like yours. A lot of men I know, including myself, would consider having a liberal free-thinker like you for an intimate partner similar to hitting the lottery, of sorts. At times, some men can become lazy or complacent thinkers in live-in relationships. They lose focus on what is important in a relationship like yours--intimacy. I don't mean to bash Vanilla Bean, but he needs to wake the F up and realize that women like you are to be valued, validated and vigorously made love to...Don't sacrifice an integral part of who you are, because of a flat-liner with blinders on...