Being Lied To

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Being Lied To
40
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 6:12pm

I love my DH very much and I enjoy our sex life incredibly so..Or I did until I found out he's been lying about his past.

First, I have a rule with all relationships that I call the "Chasing Amy" rule. For any of you out there that have seen the movie, you can pretty much guess what the rule is. I don't divulge past sexual history to current partners. To me, that creates expectations that my partner imagines I need to have met. Of course, my DH is the one that I first had intercourse with, but I did a few things in my past before him.

When we first got together, I didn't want to know anything about his past because I didn't want to have those expectations. He started divulging his secrets to me like where various scars on his body came from, about anal sex, about earning his "red wings," and the likes. I didn't want to hear about any of this because I tend to be a very jealous individual..Magnify it now that I'm pregnant. Well, for starters he lied to me about things that weren't sex-related..Like that skank of a neighbor we had..And how her desperate phone call at midnight wasn't to kill a bug but rather because she texted him and told him she was drunk and to come take advantage of her..He's lied here and there, which bothers me because I feel our relationship should be more honest. I have yet to lie to this man. Why would I? I was always told that being honest was better than to having always cover a lie with another (I credit my mother for that).

The other night he and I were talking about sex during a woman's period where he admitted that he has done it before. I was not upset because he had sex with a woman on her period, though it did take an romantic/sexual thoughts of us together that night right away..I was upset that he lied to me about it and then came clean two years later. He lied to me about anal sex. He said he did it a couple of times and didn't like it. After I give in and do it with him, he says, "I'm so glad you finally understand why I like doing it so much." Ooo, that hurt me that he'd lie to me.

He usually apologizes for lying and uses the guises "I forgot" or "I didn't want you to feel like you were being pressured into doing it." Well, that's why I did it in the first place was because I felt like I was being pressured into it by him. Its really beginning to take a toll on how I trust him because I feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie..

Today he came home from work and was in the bathroom. I asked him who was at the shop with him because he was 20 minutes late getting home. He's on call for work, so he had to be in today all day by himself..No other employees were there. I had dropped lunch off to him earlier before he left for a service call (he fixes commercial food equipment)..I kept getting this feeling all day that something wasn't right with him. When he was in the bathroom standing there to take a shower, I asked him "Who was at the shop today?" He smiled at me and said, "Me." And I said, "And?" He looked a the mirror and looked back at me, "You." and I said, "And?" And he looked down and then at the mirror and smiled that damn smile and said "Me." He's been awfully affectionate, too, since he came back from Ohio (he had to go for a training class). I mean, more so than usual. I asked him the other night why he was being this way and he said, "I realized that I don't give you enough love and affection that you need." Well, holy crap, before he started being more affectionate, he was already more so than when we first got together. He was plenty affectionate before hand..I never had any complaints..

My problem is I don't know how to trust him. He lies..How should I trust him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 12:43pm
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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:30pm
I swear to god this woman even knows when DH and I are about to have sex/are having sex because she calls! We cover each other's ears and just keep on trucking. I kept it inside for so long on how crazy she was making me but I felt bad for doing it, so I let DH know that while I do love his mother and appreciate some of the help she offers, she tends to be obsessive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:48pm

Scott,

You're right. We communicate, but I think that sometimes we aren't communicating effectively. Factor in the outside influences and life just get hard. I did tell DH early on that I did not think anal sex was for me, but I never judged him for liking the act. People shouldn't judge others because one likes crunchy peanut butter but another likes creamy. I was raised to not judge others because I myself wouldn't want to do it. DH communicates but sometimes he tends to just hold it inside. I communicate but its always frantic along with tears or anger. By the time DH gets me at the end of the day I'm this huge ball of frustration because DD (which I need to clear up that she is actually my SD, but I've been raising her for the past two years since her own mother has left town. I call her my daughter because though I haven't given birth to her, I still feel like she is my own. I hope you can understand)has been acting up, MIL won't leave me alone, there's a bill needing attention but we can't swing it quite yet, dinner got burnt because I was dealing with the phone ringing. When he leaves in the morning he sees a usually together woman. By the time he gets me at the end of the day, you'd think my hair was on fire. I know that I need to step back, clear my mind of all other thoughts, and then address the situation at hand w/o being overly dramatic. As for the other women, very early in the relationship when DH and I were living a different neighborhood than the one we are in now, there was a neighbor (the skanky one) that DH couldn't seem to stay away from. They both deny having sexual contact with the other AFTER I came along, which I believe them because the roommate said the same thing when I talked to her (I am friend's with the roommate). After DH cut off contact with her completely and apologized for being so stupid and has made it up to me, I still felt betrayed and hurt. Though they weren't having sex, it was still a betrayal because he made excuses for leaving the apartment. And believe me when we first got together I was super lax and believed everything that came from his mouth(I'm super naive and easy to walk all over). At that time I was dealing with the death of my father (whom I hadn't seen in ten years before he passed). I wasn't thinking about why it took 2 hours for him to check the mail until one night I was putting laundry away and found a note from her to him. I confronted him and he said nothing was happening and two weeks later he cut off all contact with her and told her to essentially bugger off. I will admit that I did tend to hang it over his head from time to time. But, before we got married we talked about it and laid it to rest. I do admit that the same old fear creeps into my head. But, all I have to do is catch him staring at me and I know. I admit that I do have insecurities, but they are of my own making and I need to work them out and banish them. The one insecurity that isn't my fault is how insecure I am about my looks. DH insists that I am beautiful and there isn't a thing wrong with my figure, but I never heard that growing up. I always heard the opposite. Has it affected my sex life? It did at first because I couldn't make love with the lights on or let DH see me naked, but eventually I loosened up. When I saw how he gazed at me when I snuck from the shower to the bedroom, I knew that it didn't matter if I had spots, he still loves me..He even loves my freckles and says that he hopes the baby has them. DH never does anything wrong except leave his clothes lying all over the place or "forget" to change the litter box. His dad isn't a big communicator either and I know that he gets it from him. His dad and his mom don't have a very good marriage and I think DH is afraid that it will determine how our marriage goes (this is his second, my first). FIL's sentences to MIL are "Yes, dear."

I'm beginning to realize how pregnancy influences sanity. The books don't full cover that.

Thanks to all for their advice. I think tonight, DH and I are going to have a nice heart to heart. It's time to reconnect emotionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 3:52pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: jenniekg
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:22pm

Jennie,

That's a great idea to spend some time communicating.

I wasn't implying that you were judging him for the "anal sex" thing...only that he feared judgment.

As far as your issues go, we all have them...the goal though in life is to recognize those issues and find ways to put them to rest. Your body image issues are yours too. Although there are reasons for them (like all our issues) they are still "ours". You can choose to live out old patterns of behavior based on your past, or you can choose to witness those old patterns of behavior and transcend them...or if you feel you need them you can keep them too. We have no choice over what happens to us, but we have choices of the ways that we react to them.

If you have never had any counseling, I really recommend it. Patterned behavior tends to move from generation to generation in all of us, and the best way to ensure that your children don't carry the same patterns is to transcend them yourself.

Good luck and much love to you and your family.
Scott.

PS - It's wonderful that you have feel so close to your stepdaughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 6:38pm

Just wanted to add a few more tips for staying sane when it's all too overwhelming. Trust me, one of mine is disabled so I know all about chaos.

#1. Unplug the phone if you are too busy to take a call. Leave the phone unplugged all day if you like.....NOTHING is that urgent.
#2. If you don't like having the phone off the hook, tell callers that you are busy and that you will call back later. Or if you have an answering maching let it take a message.
#3. Put the kids in front of The Wiggles or Sponge Bob
#4. Learn to say "no" to outside requests if you're already too busy
#5. Have a calming glass of wine.
#6. Sit down and BREATHE

Regarding saying "no". I remember when DS was 2 and DD was a baby. I had this really stressful day and took the phone off the hook about 6 hours. At around dinner time, I turned the phone back on and recieved a frantic call from a friend of DH who needed her resume printed RIGHT NOW for a job interview. She was frantic because I'd been out of reach all day. I told her that the phone was off the hook because I didn't want to be interrupted. Despite her insistance, I said that I couldn't possibly print it now because I was cooking dinner and minding my kids. I ended the call by saying that she was welcome to come here and do it herself. Guess what? It wasn't that urgent after all ;-) It was the best learning experience of my life.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 9:57pm

Its not that I'm angry with him or crying to manipulate him (though its not been said I do this, I just wanted to cover bases), it's usually that by the time he gets home I'm the crazy lady that walks the neighborhood in curlers and mumbling to myself. I need to relax and remember that DH doesn't need to be saddled with this when he comes home. Now I'm getting better with it. I remember that when I am angry, I'm not angry with him and that I don't need to take it out on him. I apologize if I start to get angry at him and check myself so that I don't blame him for things that aren't his fault. I'm working on it. I realize that by communicating better we can have a better marriage and a healthier, more productive sex life.

Thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 10:06pm

Scott,

I have requested counseling. Before DH and I got married, I looked at him with tears in my eyes and I said, "I never wanted to say this, but I need counseling." I remember it because I can't forget the look in his eyes because he told me he'd get me counseling. I have so many issues from my childhood that I need to deal with. I was made to feel inadequate by my mother. I never felt that I was good enough at anything because I could never get her approval. Now, I go out of my way to do so many extra things just so that I can have my DH's approval..Whether it be sex or it be outside the bedroom. As long as I have approval, then I can be happy. I know its not healthy and I so badly want to sort some issues out (i.e.-Father's death 2 yrs. ago..DH is worried because I don't talk about it and I haven't even grieved. I cried for a day and that was it. I told him because I find it so hard to believe that he's gone and that it's not something I'm ready to face).

All in all, I just want to breathe easy. I want to wake up in the morning and go, "Ya know, I feel terrific." Though, this morning I did bound out of the bed after curling up with hubby for awhile and turned on Sinatra to "Fly Me To The Moon." One of the best times I've had with DH is cruising down the highway in his 77 Continental with Sinatra in the 8 Track(sp?) with him singing "Fly Me To The Moon" to me. This morning, I sang it to him. I'm even hunting down Sinatra on Vinyl (yes folks, we have a genuine record player..20 yrs. old, yet brand new/never been used..Handed to DH by my stepfather) with "Fly Me To The Moon" on it. Nothing beats dancing with DH, even when there isn't any music..
I want to make love to my husband without lying there when we're done and wondering, "Was he satisfied?" "Did I do ok?" "Is my body too lumpy for him?" "Does he find me gross?" "Was it enjoyable for him at all?" Oh, the issues I need to work out.

Thank you all, I mean it..Thank you..And *hugs* You deserve it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:47am

Wow, you are bouncing from one end of the spectrum to the other here. Starting out with husband's past that you don't want to hear about, but he tells you anyway.....to a skanky neighbor in the past....to a controlling Mother in Law.

Welcome to the real world! The honeymoon is over, and now you have to learn to be an adult, and deal with problems. You say you two communicate? No, you don't. Communication is more than talking. Communication doesn't include crying. Communication is also listening, and understanding. Nothing is solved with tears. Nothing is solved with accusations.

You say your insecurity isn't your fault. That's not true. You didn't create it, but it's your fault that you still buy into it. You can change it anytime you want to. You just allow yourself to realize that your Mother was wrong, and that you won't let her ruin your life anymore.

An interfering Mother in Law? Then stop her. I had one of those, and I learned quickly to agree with whatever she said, and then completely ignore her. We lived in the same house for 5 years, but in different suites. How would you like THAT? You give her boundaries. You make her STAY within those boundaries. Be careful how critical you are about her when you talk with your husband. No matter what, it's HIS Mother, and you don't want him to start defending her.

All in all, right now your hormones are a big part of your "insanity". Later on in the pregnancy, things will settle down. Until then, just try to go with the flow, and not let hings bother you. If counselling is what you think you need, then GET it. It can't hurt! Good Luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: jenniekg
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:49am

Dear Jennie,

Sometimes it helps to realize that you are not so very different from everyone else....we all have our baggage.

Good luck.
Scott.