Being Lied To
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 02-26-2005 - 6:12pm |
I love my DH very much and I enjoy our sex life incredibly so..Or I did until I found out he's been lying about his past.
First, I have a rule with all relationships that I call the "Chasing Amy" rule. For any of you out there that have seen the movie, you can pretty much guess what the rule is. I don't divulge past sexual history to current partners. To me, that creates expectations that my partner imagines I need to have met. Of course, my DH is the one that I first had intercourse with, but I did a few things in my past before him.
When we first got together, I didn't want to know anything about his past because I didn't want to have those expectations. He started divulging his secrets to me like where various scars on his body came from, about anal sex, about earning his "red wings," and the likes. I didn't want to hear about any of this because I tend to be a very jealous individual..Magnify it now that I'm pregnant. Well, for starters he lied to me about things that weren't sex-related..Like that skank of a neighbor we had..And how her desperate phone call at midnight wasn't to kill a bug but rather because she texted him and told him she was drunk and to come take advantage of her..He's lied here and there, which bothers me because I feel our relationship should be more honest. I have yet to lie to this man. Why would I? I was always told that being honest was better than to having always cover a lie with another (I credit my mother for that).
The other night he and I were talking about sex during a woman's period where he admitted that he has done it before. I was not upset because he had sex with a woman on her period, though it did take an romantic/sexual thoughts of us together that night right away..I was upset that he lied to me about it and then came clean two years later. He lied to me about anal sex. He said he did it a couple of times and didn't like it. After I give in and do it with him, he says, "I'm so glad you finally understand why I like doing it so much." Ooo, that hurt me that he'd lie to me.
He usually apologizes for lying and uses the guises "I forgot" or "I didn't want you to feel like you were being pressured into doing it." Well, that's why I did it in the first place was because I felt like I was being pressured into it by him. Its really beginning to take a toll on how I trust him because I feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie..
Today he came home from work and was in the bathroom. I asked him who was at the shop with him because he was 20 minutes late getting home. He's on call for work, so he had to be in today all day by himself..No other employees were there. I had dropped lunch off to him earlier before he left for a service call (he fixes commercial food equipment)..I kept getting this feeling all day that something wasn't right with him. When he was in the bathroom standing there to take a shower, I asked him "Who was at the shop today?" He smiled at me and said, "Me." And I said, "And?" He looked a the mirror and looked back at me, "You." and I said, "And?" And he looked down and then at the mirror and smiled that damn smile and said "Me." He's been awfully affectionate, too, since he came back from Ohio (he had to go for a training class). I mean, more so than usual. I asked him the other night why he was being this way and he said, "I realized that I don't give you enough love and affection that you need." Well, holy crap, before he started being more affectionate, he was already more so than when we first got together. He was plenty affectionate before hand..I never had any complaints..
My problem is I don't know how to trust him. He lies..How should I trust him?

Pages
"Communication doesn't include crying."
This I must disagree with. It all depends on the person, and some are more easily brought to tears. I know at times I can't help myself, certain topics just bring me to tears easier. It doesn't render me inable to communicate though. Not everyone can go through life like a robot(not saying that you do).
>>Well, all I can say is that 99% of men do NOT deal well with tears.<<
I agree with that, but I don't think all people can stop tears when tears want to flow.
>>I know, because I was a "cry-baby" when I was younger. He would make fun of me, and say "here comes the water works"! It was frustration, because my ex wouldn't listen to anything. When we finally got divorced, I also stopped crying when I was upset.<<
That to me, sounds like that is your own issue. Perhaps one you should deal with in counseling. You let your ex bully you into being this way, and now you choose to stay that way and are projecting that onto others. Not everyone wants to shutdown like that, and I don't see it as particularly healthy. If it is effecting the situation negatively, then by all means cry in private then come back to the issue. Sometimes, the shedding of tears can be theraputic and I think bottling up emotions doesn't lead anywhere good either.
Leticia
The tears thing is tricky. I don't think that it promotes good communication at all - but let them come by all means - just don't think that your man is going to understand or cope or assimilate ANYTHING that you say while you are crying. Once the tears and the emotional release has finished, THEN go back and try to communicate what it was you were talking about. Tears of happiness, tears of anger, whatver, I'm inclined to think that most men just go into blank, coping mode and switch off the real communication features.
Good communication is not about talking or getting emtoional or getting emotional reactions. It's about clearly and concisely getting another person to understand and acknowledge your point. You have to listen just as well as you can talk to ensure that they have understood your point. Sometimes you can talk all you like and you haven't communicated a single thing. I know, my partner and I can be like that sometime days.
Dear GTB and Kat,
Lots of men can deal with tears. I think crying is a natural expression of sadness and shouldn't be repressed. If a man (or woman for that matter) has difficulty dealing with tears than that is an issue on their part, not on the person expressing their emotions. Crying is a healthy way of releasing deep emotions whether they are frustration, anger or sadness. Repressed emotions will eventually make you sick or even kill you.
The part that is difficult for men is that when someone is crying that person is showing great vulnerability and men are socialized to never be vulnerable, the saddest thing that I've ever heard is: "Big boys don't cry...". I spent my life attempting to be a "tough guy"...I achieved a black belt in Karate when I was sixteen. At eighteen I became a professional Kickboxer, became the U.S. Middleweight Champion and number one world contender at the age of 26 and travelled the world as a pro. I retired undefeated then studied Philipino stickfighting, submission grappling and Ju-Jitsu...after all of that it was my wife that taught me how frightened I was and how what I had wanted all along was to just be who I was: a gentle guy that. She was the one that showed me that being vulnerable was being strong. It took more strength to be able to cry and then it did do defeat 38 fighters.
Guys have a hard time dealing with tears because it brings up their weaknesses and we've been taught that that is not okay.
Vulnerability is the only true strength and our greatest "weaknesses" are our greatest strengths. It takes much more strength to show your soft side than it does to hide it in a closet.
Peace.
Scott.
I don't think GTB nor I were recommending repressing emotions, though, Scott. And really, you basically repeated the gist of my response...."Guys have a hard time dealing with tears." We were just relating things as they are, not as they SHOULD be.
I also disagree that "lots" of men can deal with tears. They may allow their partner to cry in their presence but feeling comfortable with a crying spouse is something else altogether. And happy tears are very different than mad or upset tears, too.
I think men SHOULD be free to cry when they feel they need to and should encourage their partners to do so, as well. However, saying that doesn't change the fact that most men aren't comfortable crying or seeing their partner cry. And understanding the differences between the sexes is critical to good communication and most of us learn that the hard way.
As men age and mature, they usually learn, as you did, that the "steely resolve" and the stiff upper lip approach is a pretty difficult burden to bear. But it is men who impose this on one another, beginning with fathers to sons, and it will take men to change it.
Edited 3/1/2005 11:14 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
Hi Kat,
Yes, I agree that men do propogate this particular more. It gets past from generation to generation and like so much of our conditioning, it never gets questioned...it just is because someone told us this.
Having said that, I believe that things never change unless there is some reason to change. Men can handle tears just fine if they are simply faced with it. Tears are just another form of communication and men can learn this. No sense treating them like emotionally retarded idiots (yeah...I know, we kind of are emotionally retarded idiots, but we can learn :0)) and letting it continue.
I think it's always best, no matter who you are, to be who you are. If crying feels good, do it.
Peace.
Scott.
Again, I said that my insecurities are of my own making. I agree that they are and do believe that I stated they are. I'm learning to deal with my issues. I'm learning that a lot of the things I was made to believe about myself were wrong.
I was initially upset over being lied to. I don't care about his past. I cared more about him being dishonest. I'm not in a place to judge, so I won't judge him for having done something. He's fibbed about other things to to "spare my feelings." I'll admit I'm an emotional creature. More so now than ever. I've always been sensitive and I've tried to condition myself not to be so overemotional. Its all part of who I am and I've learned to live with it and so has DH. When I cry, he hugs me. He dries my tears and tells me its ok. If I need to cry because I'm that frustrated, he tells me to let it out and I do. I let him cry too. He's cried before and I've held him as he cried. I love it when DH cries because it reminds me that men are human, too. If I yell, he listens. If he yells, I listen. If I need to talk, he listens. Sometimes we talk about things that make me cry and that's ok. Crying is a wonderful emotional release. I usually feel better after I cry. I communicate with my husband. If there is a problem that needs to be addressed, we address it. We have time set aside each night for eachother. Our main issue right this moment aside from finances is how I play Grand Theft Auto (we play it after DD is in bed for stress relief).
As for MIL, she'll never go away and she'll never take the hint. We've tried and tried and tried.
The honeymoon is over? We never had one to begin with. We got married and the next day he went to work. Its never been a honeymoon. We've been to court, to DSS, to mediation, dealing with our financial situation, his mother, my mother..We've not had a moment's peace or bliss since we've gotten married. But we make the best of it. We find ways to steal moments together and those I treasure.
Again, I feel the issue at hand is quite resolved. I realize I have issues and that I am at fault for letting them live. But like Scott said, we all have baggage. No human is perfect. We're all flawed..And I think that's what makes us all beautiful.
Pages