Being Lied To

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Being Lied To
40
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 6:12pm

I love my DH very much and I enjoy our sex life incredibly so..Or I did until I found out he's been lying about his past.

First, I have a rule with all relationships that I call the "Chasing Amy" rule. For any of you out there that have seen the movie, you can pretty much guess what the rule is. I don't divulge past sexual history to current partners. To me, that creates expectations that my partner imagines I need to have met. Of course, my DH is the one that I first had intercourse with, but I did a few things in my past before him.

When we first got together, I didn't want to know anything about his past because I didn't want to have those expectations. He started divulging his secrets to me like where various scars on his body came from, about anal sex, about earning his "red wings," and the likes. I didn't want to hear about any of this because I tend to be a very jealous individual..Magnify it now that I'm pregnant. Well, for starters he lied to me about things that weren't sex-related..Like that skank of a neighbor we had..And how her desperate phone call at midnight wasn't to kill a bug but rather because she texted him and told him she was drunk and to come take advantage of her..He's lied here and there, which bothers me because I feel our relationship should be more honest. I have yet to lie to this man. Why would I? I was always told that being honest was better than to having always cover a lie with another (I credit my mother for that).

The other night he and I were talking about sex during a woman's period where he admitted that he has done it before. I was not upset because he had sex with a woman on her period, though it did take an romantic/sexual thoughts of us together that night right away..I was upset that he lied to me about it and then came clean two years later. He lied to me about anal sex. He said he did it a couple of times and didn't like it. After I give in and do it with him, he says, "I'm so glad you finally understand why I like doing it so much." Ooo, that hurt me that he'd lie to me.

He usually apologizes for lying and uses the guises "I forgot" or "I didn't want you to feel like you were being pressured into doing it." Well, that's why I did it in the first place was because I felt like I was being pressured into it by him. Its really beginning to take a toll on how I trust him because I feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie..

Today he came home from work and was in the bathroom. I asked him who was at the shop with him because he was 20 minutes late getting home. He's on call for work, so he had to be in today all day by himself..No other employees were there. I had dropped lunch off to him earlier before he left for a service call (he fixes commercial food equipment)..I kept getting this feeling all day that something wasn't right with him. When he was in the bathroom standing there to take a shower, I asked him "Who was at the shop today?" He smiled at me and said, "Me." And I said, "And?" He looked a the mirror and looked back at me, "You." and I said, "And?" And he looked down and then at the mirror and smiled that damn smile and said "Me." He's been awfully affectionate, too, since he came back from Ohio (he had to go for a training class). I mean, more so than usual. I asked him the other night why he was being this way and he said, "I realized that I don't give you enough love and affection that you need." Well, holy crap, before he started being more affectionate, he was already more so than when we first got together. He was plenty affectionate before hand..I never had any complaints..

My problem is I don't know how to trust him. He lies..How should I trust him?

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jenniekg
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 5:14pm

Yes, tears CAN express honest emotion but women have been known to use tears to avoid an argument or as a way of manipulating a situation, too. It DOES happen, and men are well aware of that! Ask any traffic cop! LOL!

There's a mutual responsibility to learn to communicate fairly and effectively for both sexes. And it's not necessarily by asking your spouse to repress her emotions but just by being mindful that emotional displays can make the process much more difficult for him.

But I don't think men are "emotional retards", nor have I ever treated them that way. They're just different. No better, no worse.

But we still have to meet one another in the middle, if we want effective communication and THAT goes both ways.




Edited 3/1/2005 5:40 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: jenniekg
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 9:55pm

>>I was initially upset over being lied to. I don't care about his past. I cared more about him being dishonest. <<

I'm still confused. What, exactly, did he lie about? Could you provide an example of where he lied and where you got upset?

>>As for MIL, she'll never go away.<<
You don't live next door to her, do you? Between the two of you, you CAN easily make her go away. It's just that you'll want to do it with a little tact, but just keep getting stronger and more blatant if she doesn't get the hint.
Make a few obvious excuses about being busy on certain days or having made plans that can't be broken. After a few times of 'busting' you and finding out that you were making lame excuses she GOT TO get the message!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: jenniekg
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 8:09pm
Amen Kat :0>.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 9:29pm

We once were having a discussion on anal sex..This was before we got married and sex was quite new to me and I was very naive and very prim and proper on what I thought sexual relations were. He said that he had had anal sex twice and that he didn't like it. I had told him that the thought never appealed to me and that it was an "exit only" place rather than a "come one, come all" area. I realize that I was probably at fault for him saying he didn't like it because I was maybe a little adamant..Maybe a lot adamant. Anyway..After I finally did cave and try anal sex, that's when he told me that he had lied about not liking it, that he did enjoy the act itself, but not the person he acted with. He said that he wanted to share it with me because he thought it'd be an experience we'd both enjoy..he wasn't wrong.

I guess, in retrospect, it wasn't really lying. He said he told me he didn't like it because he didn't want to pressure me into doing it. He told me he didn't want me to feel like I had to keep up with the women from his past to keep him satisfied because for the longest time I felt that way. He said he's quite satisfied with our sex life and that if he wasn't, he wouldn't keep coming back.

As for MIL, if I sent her away, I'd feel guilty for keeping her from her grandchildren. I was kept from mine and I don't want that for my children. I'm torn. But, I just made her day and I think she's going to be coming around and warming up...teeheehee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: jenniekg
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 12:44am

You're right, it's not really lying at all. He feel that you had strongly indicated that you didn't like something that he had already done and enjoyed. He told a white lie to avoid hurting you or causing friction. Not really the same, is it?

I don't think that your MIL has to live in your pocket. There's nothing wrong with her seeing the grandkids but she doesn't have to see them every day or even every second day. After-all, give it a few years and the last person the kids will want to see is their old wrinkly Gran! The kids will probably scare her off for you! LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:28pm

The more I think about it, the more it does make sense that it wasn't a big deal. But, he has told lies before and I've caught him in the middle of it or after. I'm a stickler for the truth. My mom has always taught me that its better to tell the truth. She said that once you tell a lie, it's never over. She says you have to keep telling lies in order to cover up just that one. She said the truth was never pretty, but it was better than lying. I've always stuck to that..(except for those times I came home late on a school night and used the "I was out with ABC and XYZ and we forgot what time it was" (really, I was making out with the b/f..)..I don't like lying because I feel incredibly guilty and dirty. I'm a huge people pleaser, too (I'm working on that). I'm a poor liar anyway..And so is my DH..The kid tells better lies than he does.

Pregnancy does tend to make you crazy and I think a lot of my paranoia comes from being pregnant. G'lord I'm hearing things that aren't there, scaring the wits out of myself, and I look like I have a busted lip because I've bitten it so many times to keep from screaming. Just today I got so emotional that I tried to kick my DH out of the apartment..And its in his name..He just looked at me and laughed. He always does that..He laughs at me when I get all wound up and stupid. I love it.

You're right about MIL. She scoffs at us because we make love to one another. I guess she thinks its wrong for us to do it..She can't understand. Actually, I think she's jealous that DH and I are crazy about eachother and her own marriage to FIL isn't that great. She whines about them not being intimate and it bothers her badly..Any ideas how to get a 55 yr. old to get laid? I think that would make a lot of her anal retentiveness disappear.

As for right now, I feel much better. I don't think its as big a deal as I made it out to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
In reply to: jenniekg
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:11am

Hi Jennie,

If you really want to help your MIL, see if you can avoid labeling her in word and thought: Anal retentive, whiney, interfering....all of those things are your analysis of her and an analysis shuts out all of the wonderful things that she is. I think you hit her problem right on the head though: she is sad and lonely because she feels unable to satisfy her need for intimacy with her husband. She wants to be part of your relationship because on some level it helps to satisfy her need for closeness. Yes she can be interfering, but she is attempting to satisfy a need (unconsciously), so you can have some compassion for her. Once you can have compassion for her situation coming up with a creative response that will help you get both of your needs met will be much easier.

Good luck.
Scott.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jenniekg
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:27am

I completely agree Scott. Unfortunately, I have been "blessed" with the most difficult and insecure MIL in history. I'm convinced. But once I stopped being defensive around her and became honest, we had our first woman to woman conversation and solved a lot of our problems. I stopped holding back my feelings/opinions and agree or disagree, she has to respect me for it.

And it helps to remember that she is the mother that created and raised the man I love, so she did do something right! LOL!

However, Jennie, if your MIL is causing problems, your HUSBAND is the one who needs to handle the majority of the conflicts. She's his mother and he needs to set the boundaries with her. As you should with your mother when and if it becomes necessary.




Edited 3/4/2005 11:41 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 12:16pm

"It is NOT an issue now....."

Hmmm. I debated whether or not to respond to this. I think it *is* an issue now. The callous and condescending way you frequently respond to posters demonstrates this. The way you describe your XH is the same way I would describe your style of posting. You have a very "Of course not you idiot!" way of answering questions. You know, the more time you spend around someone the more you tend to adapt some of their behaviors. After only 10 years(almost 9 married) with my hubby I have seen it. You know how you say you won't grow up to be like your mom or dad and then you do? ;) You said you were married for what, over 25 years to the guy? Something to chew on ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
In reply to: jenniekg
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 2:17pm
Hi, Scott!
I recognize that there are many wonderful qualities about this woman. She's always there when DH and I need her. She's very giving. She gives wonderful advice from time to time. She makes on heck of a pot of chili. She knew how to make my transitition into their family quite easy for me. She can be helpful. Its as of late that she's become very obsessed with our life and DD's life. I don't want to pass judgement on her, but its hard to like someone when they are yelling at you for not calling ahead to get directions, or not getting a car that doesn't break down from time to time..She has mentioned several times that she hasn't been intimate with FIL and I feel sorry for her because intimacy is a wonderful part of marriage. I realize that FIL is on Wellbutrin and Ritalin and that they just might interfere with sexual desires. I think she should discuss this with FIL. I can see it from both angles, though. Its hard to be intimate with someone that isn't there. MIL works the night shift at a specialty hospital while FIL works during the day. They are never home at the same time and when they are, one is sleeping and the other is out doing something different. Its almost like they are together out of habit, and I feel bad. I feel that MIL sees what DH and I have because DH and I are very affectionate. We hug and kiss and hold hands. I think his mother misses that, I just don't know how to help. My ideas of sex are different than her's, I'm sure. We come from different times, but pleasure is all the same. I told DH that maybe she and her husband should go into marriage counseling to beat this lack of intimacy.

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