Is being a "little tight" bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Is being a "little tight" bad?
23
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 1:51pm

Hi there,

I have been seeing a man for about 3 years now, and we have always have had a good sexual relationship.
The other night, he was inside of me. There have been times that he has told me, "you are so tight...." When we were having sex this last time, I asked him in the heat of the moment if I was "tight". He told me I was just little bit tight, but seemed "looser".
I hated hearing this! I felt like I really let him down (I know this can't be helped)
Men: Is this a big issue for you when you are havng sex with a woman? Does this change the amount of pleasure for you?
Women: Have you run into this situation before? I just don't know why sometimes I am tighter than other times....?
Any insight, please!
Thanks,
Igrl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 1:57pm
The night he mentioned you were a little looser than normal(normal with all women)Did he orgasm?. If he did then you were plenty tight enough. You might have been looser because he was a little thinner that night, dont let him get to you that way, you are perfect the way you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:39pm
Thanks HD. I think I almost needed to hear that I am fine the way I am!
He did finish, but he did when we had anal sex. He usually does finish after intercourse, however. The other night was the 1st night we had anal sex on that level.
igrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:40pm

My wife and I use "You're so wet" and "You're so hard" and I've also been known to to say something that involved "tight" in the heat of passion during our lovemaking. It's not even so much that we are wet or hard or tight or whatever - it's part of the dirty talk and it's the dirty talk itself that is the turn-on.

>>I guess the comment he said after that is what is bothering me.
He said, "It feels like you have had another man."

Now we get to the heart of the matter...

Frankly you've got a peculiar view about this whole thing. You are in a sex-only arrangement with this guy but get upset if he thinks that you've been with another man. You are worried enough that you post to the messageboards looking for explanations. You want to explain to him that you haven't been with another man and that there are good reasons for why you weren't as tight that don't involve having sex with another man.

Whether or not you've been with another man is really none of his business. The arrangement between the two of you is about sex and nothing else. He doesn't want to be emotionally involved with you or make a commitment. For all we know he could be seeing other women.

>>I feel like I want to clarify this with him,<<

Why?

He's still getting sex, isn't he? Whether or not you are with another man or men is none of his business. It doesn't matter how he FEELS. As long as he is getting sex then that's all that he can expect from a FWB arrangement. The definition of a FWB arrangement is that he has no right to get emotionally involved and FEEL anything about anything that you do outside the bedroom. Put bluntly, who cares how or what he feels as long as he gets to keep putting his penis into you? You have no obligation to explain anything to him.

I think that YOU are the one that has too much invested in this arrangement. I think that you have stronger emotional feelings for him than you should and are running a serious risk of being used. "Friends with benefits" are using each other for sex. I think that you have invested emotionally in to this and will be hurt if he just walks away from the arrangement - like he should be able to do. And that's what FWB should be able to do. They should be able to walk away from it without any hard feelings if circumstances change because it is a FWB arrangement, not a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 5:03pm
W,
Yes, the R I have with this man is FWB, and it has been for 3 years.
However, I am in love with him. I have been for awhile, and he knows this. He states he has feelings, but has never told me he is in love with me. We have started and stopped so many times, but always end up having sex with one another sooner than later.
It is hard to not let my emotions get in the way. I have weighed the options-leaving or staying in this, and I always come back to staying with him (in this arrangement)
I want to make it work...probably for more reasons than him, but that is where I am at. So perhaps I do put to much weight on our sexual encounters...it is the one thing that I know keeps him with me. Sounds healthy, huh?
May be wrong, dysfunctional,etc...but the truth is, this is where I am.
igrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 5:18pm

West, do you think that even if it is "just" a sexual liason, that, that alone does not automatically imply that one does not "care" or having "feelings" about how the other person "feels" about the sex or the quality of the sex (or their body). Are you going to stand there and tell me that if a FWB that you had been having sex with for three years (exclusively) could not climax and suggested that it was because your penis was not that hard; stopped intercourse and made you finish her orally instead because of it, and then accused you of being softer because you must have just come from having sex with another woman, that wouldn't bother you? It doesn't necessarily have to be about "emotions," it could just be about "caring" about what the person thinks of you in the relevant capacity (in this case the quality of the sex).

Also, aren't there some FWB's that are exclusive--particuarly in today's environment (stds)? Maybe they do not sleep around--maybe that is their arrangement. Maybe his remark implied that she was promiscuous, when she really is specifically not. Maybe she can clarify.

While we're on the subject, can I ask (anyone) a question about something I have been pondering about this whole FWB situation or pre-exclusivity situation. If you are in a FWB situation, and you meet someone whom you are very interested in and you date them for a few months before having sex and becoming exclusive....would it bother you in the least if you found out that they were having sex with someone (or strangers ) during the whole time you two were dating before you became sexually involved? In other words, Mary has an ongoing FWB with John. She sees him about four times a week. Sometimes, they even have sex immediately before your dates. How do you feel about that situation? Isn't there some type of "meeting of the minds" when it comes to dating--or dating etiquette? I guess my question is, what if the person you were dating was having sex with others simultaneously? Would that bother you? Isn't that the "new" way of dating? Isn't there a window of opportunity that slips through here somehow? Would it bother you that Mary, who just shoved her tongue down your throat, just swallowed John's semen only two hours before? What say you? ;-)




Edited 11/11/2006 5:42 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 5:37pm

I think it's obvious that he doesn't have "feelings" for you...(at least not in the capacity that is needed for a real relationship). It is obvious, because in a FWB situation, you are both free to date others. That alone suggests that feelings are not "great."

You are an adult, and you have to be responsible for your choices. However, if I were him, I couldn't continue. If I knew that someone had "feelings" for me, then I would take responsiblity for "them" and bow out gracefully. I'm not into "hurting" anyone....whether or not they "choose" that course or not for themselves. I think of it as "throwing salt in the wound." I would get little satisfaction out of simply saying "Well...I did nothing wrong....they knew what this was. They knew that I didn't want anything more. I'm not responsible for their feelings or for them." Sorry, I would feel responsible. Sometimes ya have to do what you have to do. Sometimes we have to sacrifice for others.

I understand that you probably are preparing yourself for the worse-case scenario (assuming that you are hoping he falls for you), but after three years, I would think not. I would think that longer you invest, the more it's going to hurt you when he finally finds someone else that he cares deeply about. Just think about "that" moment. Think about how you are going to feel when he falls in love with another woman. That's the reason why I would end it....I see no reason to be a part of that, just for "sex." It would be great if two people involved in a FWB situation suddenly realize that they want more, but one? Nope....that's a ride I wouldn't take.

Three years? Bail. I doubt that he'll "fall for you" after all this time. Don't settle for crumbs. You're worth more than that....and just think of all of the energy you are putting into him. Energy that could be put into someone who actually could love you back.

Take care.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 6:05pm

>>It doesn't necessarily have to be about "emotions," it could just be about "caring" about what the person thinks of you in the relevant capacity <<

Therein lies the problem with FWB relationships. The more I hear about "FWB" relationships the more I think that they are a bad idea for about 99.9% of the population. The idea behind a FWB relationship is that two people are friends and they have sex without commitment or anymore responsibility to each other than as friends. Start "caring" about the other person too much and bam! You're up the proverbial creek without a paddle. In this situation they've got feelings and she admits that she is using the sex to keep him around. The whole comment about being with another man has caused feelings and emotions that it shouldn't if this is just about friends with benefits. Obviously there is theory and then there is reality and they don't always mirror one another, but at the same time this is more than 'just' a FWB relationship and someone is unhappy with something that happened in it.

>>Also, aren't there some FWB's that are exclusive-<<
Yeah, sure there are. If that's been agreed. If I were to start a FWB relationship with someone I certainly couldn't *automatically* expect it to be exclusive though.

>>...would it bother you in the least if you found out that they were having sex with someone...What say you? ;-) <<

I can relate to this one a bit better because I was tossing that little problem around when I first met my wife and we began dating. I can't expect anyone to be exclusive to me in this day and age unless I ask them. It does seem that dating multiple people at one time is not as uncommon as it used to be years ago when I first started dating. I did let her know that I wanted an exclusive relationship almost right from the outset. The idea that she might be bonking Tom, Dick or Harry (or all of them at the same time - or even a Harriette too for all I knew!) did bother me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 6:34pm

West, I read her last post after I wrote mine. I see that she is in love with him....which was why she posted. However, in the general sense, I can see how someone would "care" about how they measure up "sexually" in a sex only relationship--which was what I was getting at. If they were in an "exclusive" FWB, then his remark about her being with another man could be the same as calling her a liar. And his remark about her being loose (suggesting that the sex isn't as good) could also "bother" her. I was just trying to give a "reason" why she might be bothered, under the assumption that she had no "feelings" for him. It's about ego...I guess. ;-)

I also thought that they "might" be exclusive because they were together for three years (they didn't just hook up recently).

Yes, it's sort of a "Catch 22" situation; this "new" dating style. In their quest to remain independent and free to do as they please, they set it up so that it's perfectly acceptable to date and have sex with multiple people at the same time, and yet not "proper" (or too needy) to ask for exclusivity too soon. Go figure! ;-)

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 7:10pm

Rain & West,

Both of your replies have been interesting....
I have been trying to keep my question, "is being a little tight bad?" simple and uncomplicated and to that point, but I am seeing that maybe I needed to explain the situation with a bit more detail, because the answer to that question appears to vary on the specifics of the deal.
I am having my 1st sexual experience with a man. Prior to this, I have been with just women (previously a lesbian, with never even a kiss from a man.) I feel, to a certain extent, that I am naive in the male response/dynamics. Maybe this is why I am coming across like I am spazing out here, but I feel out of my element.....
Are we FWB or something more? As long as he does not admit to his feelings, I see it as casual as he wants it. I have agreed to sex with this man, because I am attracted to him and want him sexually. It was only later that I realized I was in love with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 12:00am

Whoa, Nellie! This is a FWB arrangement, and you are ALLOWED to be with another man, or twenty other men if you want to. There are no "commitments" in FWB situations! And it's none of his business if you are! Just as it's none of your business if he's with another woman. You shouldn't give him the satisfaction of trying to defend yourself, and if he brings it up again....tell him it's none of his business.

And I hate to say it, but he doesn't have a clue! You "felt" like you were with another man? So, what he's saying is that because you were "looser" than last time, someone else had stretched you out? DUH! You could have been with a horse, and within an hour or two, be back to your normal tight unaroused vagina. Is this guy worth worrying about?