Is being a "little tight" bad?
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Is being a "little tight" bad?
| Fri, 11-10-2006 - 1:51pm |
Hi there,
I have been seeing a man for about 3 years now, and we have always have had a good sexual relationship.
The other night, he was inside of me. There have been times that he has told me, "you are so tight...." When we were having sex this last time, I asked him in the heat of the moment if I was "tight". He told me I was just little bit tight, but seemed "looser".
I hated hearing this! I felt like I really let him down (I know this can't be helped)
Men: Is this a big issue for you when you are havng sex with a woman? Does this change the amount of pleasure for you?
Women: Have you run into this situation before? I just don't know why sometimes I am tighter than other times....?
Any insight, please!
Thanks,
Igrl

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That puts a different spin on things again :-)
Ultimately, Yes, I think that you are thinking too hard about this. You've no doubt heard that men like a "tight" vagina. That's true, but in reality there are very very few complaints from guys about anyone's vagina. The biggest problem here isn't whether or not your vagina is tight, it's about an ill-informed comment made by a guy that doesn't know any better that implied that you were having sex with other men. And that is complicated by the fact that it is (as far as he is concerned anyway) a FWB relationship with no commitment. And just to top it off, you haven't any other men to compare him to.
As dakine just pointed out, his knowledge of the female body is lacking too. None of us said the obvious either. Sex with other men doesn't loosen you up.
Are you FWB or something more? That's a question that only he can answer. Three years is a long time to be in a "relationship" that isn't a relationship. Perhaps he is more committed than we realise. But then again, he's certainly had plenty of opportunity to indicate that he wants more commitment if he wanted it and he hasn't. Does he still date other women? I find it difficult to believe that he's in a casual FWB arrangement with you for three years, has avoided further commitment, and *hasn't* dated or slept with anyone else. What purpose would there be in remaining uncommitted for three years if he's not keeping his options open and taking up other opportunities when he sees them?
As for the whole lesbian thing, I wouldn't panic about that too much. My wife was in a lesbian relationship for 2+ years before she met me and she seems to have a pretty good idea of what she's doing with a guy nowadays ;-)
So what should you do? As far as the tight thing goes - forget it. He made a stupid comment that has no basis in fact and didn't dignify an answer. The only reason it might require an answer is if the subtext was "Are you sleeping with someone else?" It might have been his curious way of asking that question. It that's up to you what you say if you say anything now.
As far as the FWB thing goes? I don't know. This one is your call. You are denying yourself the opportunity to find a man that will make a commitment to you. This guy could turn up next week, have sex, and tell you that it's over because he's found someone that he wants to get serious with, as he walks out the door. In theory you can't do a damned thing about that because you have no claim on him regardless of how you feel about it.
Either go with the status quo and continue with how things are now, or talk to him and discuss the possibilty of further commitment and how he really feels about you. In fact, the tight comment could be a conversation starter about commitment. Ask him if he was worried that you were sleeping with other men. Ask him how he would feel about that? Tell him that you thought that it was still a FWB relationship that was just based on sex. Tell him that you'd be open to more commitment if he wanted it, but you are just checking that you and him are still on the same page with what the two of you want out of this. That will probably get you a good and clear answer of where you stand with him.
Your call.
Good luck.
Edited 11/12/2006 12:36 am ET by westridge2001
"As dakine just pointed out, his knowledge of the female body is lacking too. None of us said the obvious either. Sex with other men doesn't loosen you up."
That was what I pointed out in my first response to the tread. And I did point out the obvious as well when I said: "I have had two children, have been been with the same man for almost 30 years and I still can feel "tight" -- it depends.....plain and simple. ;-)"
You may be right, West, if they are not exclusive, then HE may very well be the one who IS developing feelings or "caring." His comment may not only be an indicator that he might be jealous, but also may be an indicator of an "insecurity." His ignorance of a woman's vagina is the tell-tale sign that perhaps he's worried that she had a "larger" man recently. Of course, it may be none of the above, and as I mentioned before, may be simply about "ego" and nothing more.
Note: Healthy women are riddled with estrogen....the hormone that controls the elasticity of the vagina. Having lots of sex or sex with a large man will not stretch a woman out. More than likely, the way a woman feels has more to do with other variables (mentioned numerous times) including the strength of the man's erection as well (something many men do not think about). Bottom line, arousal is not a "simple" mechanism--it's quite complex. Ask anyone who is in the height of arousal who suddenly "loses" it slightly. When that happens, you wonder "why" when there is really no apparent reason. All it takes is a second of distraction and "poof"--the level can change. There is no "blame" where there is no "control."
I wonder if the situation was reversed and it was she who said to him: "You're not that hard tonight; at least not as hard as last night." "Let's switch to something other than intercourse." what the responses would have been. Last I heard, women are not suppose to bring attention to a man's erection. In fact, we're advised to ignore it because by mentioning it, it will only compound the issue. He will "worry" about it, and then his erection will suffer more. I wonder why this same thought process doesn't apply to women as well? Hmmmmmm...... ;-) Is it just because we cannot "see" her level of arousal? Why not then go with YOUR OWN "feelings" and how you would want to be treated if it were you who were not as erect and apply the same "compassion" accordingly to a woman or women?
Why is it that a woman's tightness is a "preference", a negative against her if she doesn't have one (she's been with lots of men, she's likes large men, she's old, etc.), but yet the same isn't applied to men? We don't "mention" how older men do not have as hard erections as younger men, or even discuss the possibilty that their erections may vary from session to session (therefore may also be responsible for the "feel" of intercourse). When it comes to men's penises, we have to be "sensitive" and "compassionate" because of their egos, and yet, we contantly hear "Men want a tight vagina" ad nauseum. I wonder if women scrutinized men's erections (and size) as much as men scruitinize a woman's tightness (or size) if they'd like it? We think "nothing" of mocking a woman's looseness and blaming everything under the sun (when none of it is based in fact), and yet we for some reason, become understanding, and sensitive when it comes to a man's hardness (or size). Sometimes, you have to "put" yourself in the other person's shoes, if just for a moment, to understand. I don't know a man alive who wouldn't worry about his erection being up to "par" which is why I cannot understand how they can be so insensitive about how a woman might feel when lack of "tightness" is being discussed. Oh well.... ;-)
Edited 11/12/2006 10:02 am ET by rain_dancer_iam
As for the whole FWB`s thing...From my perspective, if I started dating a woman and found out somehow that she still had a FWB it would be over for me..But thats just me.It is probably just what Rainy said, I wouldnt want to be kissing her tonight if she was swallowing him that morning, maybe that is a little immature on my part, but that is a thought I just wouldn`t want going thru my head if I`m going to be making a decision on whether or not I might have a future with this woman.
I guess I would insist on exclusivity in a FWB`s relationship, if we were using no protection. I probably wouldnt trust any one that much to go without protection, for all I know I could be one of several FWB`s.
The O.P has found out that it isn`t call "making love" for nothing.. I have seen a few other situations where it did start out as a casual, for sex only relationship, and it turned out to be more. We under estimate the "attraction" and "connection" chemicals that are released in the brain when we have sex with someone.
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