BF doesnt have sex till completion
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BF doesnt have sex till completion
| Wed, 06-06-2007 - 10:35pm |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months now and have only had sex maybe 25 times, and that may be pushing it. And out of the 25 times he maybe came like 7 times. He seems to have a problem with cumming from sex. He looks at porn alotttttttttt. he wakes up and looks at it. sometimes he looks at it while im in the other room. I get mad sometimes because i dont understand y he rather masturbate then have sex with me. We have gone like 2 months without sex. In my previous relationship we had sex up to 3-4 daily. He sometimes tries to blame it on me, but i dont think im the problem really. What could be his deal?

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Welcome to the board miami-kitty. It does sound like your guy has some problems with porn. Have you discussed his use with him? It might be helpful to let him know how you feel by having a non-confrontational conversation with him, outside of the bedroom. It's okay for you to set boundaries, and hopefully, the two of you can come to a compromise within your relationship.
There's a great board, http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhtporn, where you can get a lot of advice about problems from porn use. Also, here are a couple of articles that you might find helpful.
The Truth About Men and Masturbation
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/0,,drpatti_23n7,00.html
Just the Three of Us: Me, You, and Porn
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextaboos/0,,michon_8h342924,00.html
my partner in the siggy exchange
You are quite welcome...but I mean what I say.
It is not my intention to tell you what to do. I just think that a woman should realize how special she is and find a partner who appreciates this most important
Mrs P
I know the power I have over men Bea but I guess my personal preferences are for stronger minded men. I can't think of a single one that I had a long-term relationship with (except my last ex-boyfriend and he was too easy) that would have allowed me to take that much control! I am very strong-minded myself and I don't want someone that I dominate as far as a partner, they have to be able to hold their own with me. That doesn't mean I don't have the control in relationships though lol. We actually see things very similar, just in a different way :). I do respect your ability!
But as far as the original question goes, I think you should listen to MrsPE. You do deserve someone that puts you first!
Edited 6/7/2007 11:25 pm ET by tami-kins
Let me start out by saying that DW and I practice elements of D/s in our sex life -- mostly I'm the D and she's the s, although we do switch and we do from time to time engage in chastity play -- so what I have to say is not coming from the perspective of a vanilla person who doesn't *get it*.
If you are seeking potential partners among men you already know to be submissive -- meeting them at slave munches, or other RL events or online forums dedicated to the lifestyle -- then no problem. If, however, you expect to impose this attitude on any potential partner, kinky or vanilla, regardless of whether it's something THEY desire and to which THEY have consented to, then I have a huge problem with that. A vanilla partner may go along with the kink for a while, if they otherwise like you, and can even convince themselves for a while that they're okay with going along to get along. If a person is not wired for it, however, they will in the long term be very unhappy in a long term relationship which is built along norms that don't match how they are wired, and they would be better off getting out sooner rather than later and finding a more compatible vanilla partner..
My apologies if this comes across as harsh, but this forum is not a very kink aware community, and I put a lot of time and effort into educating people here that D/s play is not what it looks like -- that it is, in reality, a consensual and mutually pleasurable activity between people who are both enjoying what is taking place. Femdom posturing that would be appropriate in a more kink aware forum is out of place here, as it will not necessarily be understood for what it is by a vanilla audience. Just because someone is submissive does not automatically mean that they wish to submit to YOU, and just because someone is dominant does not mean that every potential partner should automatically be expected to bow down at their feet. Being allowed to dominate someone is a privilege that needs to be earned, and which is only appropriate with full and mutual informed consent. You are a person with a kink, nothing more and nothing less.
Hi Tami,
Mrs PE is absolutely correct in saying that we deserve men who try to please and make us happy... and become addicted to us. Perhaps I was not clear in my message, but this is what I was trying to say also. My boyfriend does just that ... now. But it took a little training!
On my next birthday i will be 44. I have seen enough selfishness by men who can't seem to stop satisfying themselves without our knowledge, participation or permission. As you know, when a man cums he usually becomes distant, disinterested, less intimate and sometimes even rude or worse. I don't tolerate this anymore, and am old enough and experienced enough to get my way just about all the time. I had some long and serious talks with my Ken about his masturbating and the disrespectful message that this sent to me. And we talked about his post-ejaculation demeanor. He wanted to be with me, and said he loved me and wanted to make me happy. That's when I brought up the chastity idea, actually he mentioned it first, sort of joking. Some joke!
The 8 months were agonizing at first for him, but then he began to see the benefits and began to be much more tuned into me and my pleasure, whether sexual or simply doing more around the house. I would let him out no more than twice a month and we would have 'regular' sex, or I may have just asked him to masturbate for me, making him look in my eyes the whole time. But as soon as he came, back he went under lock and key. He was always well behaved because he knew I could simply reduce the releases from twice to once a month, and I did just that one time when he was rude and talked back.
Now that he's out, he still practices mental chastity in that he cums only when I say so. And, while we make love very often, he is not permitted to cum every time. I like to keep him 'full', it makes him so much more attentive and alert to my needs. He now says he gets just as much pleasure personally in seeing the smile of satisfaction on my face as he does when he cums. That smile now drives him.
So, Tami, what I have learned is that the sexual aspect of the relationship is best controlled by the woman, especially if she is strong minded. We have more needs, we take much longer to enjoy, and we can enjoy many times over in the same session. The male has to be disciplined to be ready when we are, and to stay with us without releasing until we are finished. Masturbation is OUT - unless it's done together for a change of pace. Ken has not masturbated for a year, and he is proud of it. Ken, by the way, is not a pushover. He's an athlete, in top shape, a professional banker who deals with tough issues. I have my own tough professional issues as well. I like strong men too, but at home there is no competition, only love and respect. We each know our roles, and we follow them strictly.
Bea.
Steve,
You SHOULD apologise for being harsh, as well as seeming a bit condescending. You have assumed things that are not correct. This forum was discussing the fact of a male masturbating in secret, one who has problems satisfying his wife/GF because of that. We also read that other women have experienced the same problem as have I. Certainly I am aware of the BDSM community and some of their practices. In fact I agree with some of them because they are very open about sexual matters. Many 'vanilla' people, as you call them, may not be due to prejudices being imposed on them from various people or institutions as they were growing to adulthood. I don’t look upon myself as dominating, But I am authoritative and full of self-esteem!
My partner and I had serious discussion about his habit, and I flat out told him that it must stop, or we were finished as a couple. I feel my man must be devoted to me and at the very least please me sexually when the time comes. I do enough for him. Is that too much to ask? I don't want him to be sulking off to the bathroom with a magazine or book, or watching a porn video and masturbating, and then losing interest for a few days. Do you do that, Steve? Would you like your wife to do that?
My Ken got the message and agreed to change, but he admitted he needed help, because his habit was an old one and a very strong one. We talked about what I expected of him as a lover, and because I am a very needy person in this regard, we wanted to make sure he would be ready when the time came. This 'conversation' was actually many conversations over a week or so. At one point the chastity idea came up as a way to ensure he would not masturbate. I thought it was a bit kinky, yes, but when I thought about it, and when I read what some other women said about it, I was hooked. This seemed like a solution that would not involve constant checking or questioning. I liked that. I also was anxious to see how his attitude changed just in his approach towards me. He was under my control, but trusted me, and he wanted to please me, Steve. And he did. Submissive? Maybe, a bit. But he is much happier for it now, even though his ejaculations have been reduced by a substantial percentage. I am much happier and content as well, and most days have a smile on my face.
So, if this offends you, get over it. I would rather try to open the eyes of some women who are not being treated with the respect and love that they should. My way may not appeal to all; I'm sure it won't, and I am not trying to force it on anyone. But perhaps something I have said will trigger an idea or thought that may help. I hope so.
I appreciate your comments, Steve, because you have shown we still have a ways to go to get a meeting of the minds! But the fact that you are participating is a positive.
Bea
I am happy that your assuming control of your BF's sexuality has worked for the two of you in your relationship. If you've clicked on the link to our story on the Fantasies Board that Nenu posted to you, then you've no doubt seen that we've written characters who are involved in a very similar relationship, and where the female character has recently upped the degree of control she exerts by cuckolding her partner. I do not necessarily think that your approach would be the right approach for the OP and her BF in their relationship, and in fact if her BF is not wired with submissive tendencies I think your approach could be unhealthy, in the long run, for their relationship.
I will not ever agree that one partner making a unilateral decision to assume control of their partners sexuality, which in your initial post is what it sounded like you were advising her to do, is ever a good idea. Consensual power exchange can be a very enjoyable adjunct to a couple's sex life when engaged in for their mutual pleasure, but it is most assuredly not for everyone. Furthermore I will never agree that one gender is naturally superior to the other, and should be in the controlling position instance in all cases. I personally know happy and successful couples which are female dominated, which are male dominated, and which are equal partner relationships, and I can point to similar examples of unhappy and dysfunctional couples in each of these types of relationships also.
As for my personal masturbation habits -- or my wife's -- that is between her and me, and is certainly not any concern of yours. I do appreciate your replying to my post, and continuing our dialogue, although I am not sure we will ever reach a meeting of the minds.
Thank you for your courteous response, Steve. Sexuality is a 2 way street, for sure. However for many men it's a one way street. My method then is one of 'traffic control'. I agree that we will probably never see eye to eye, but as we are both interested in relationships and in mentoring, it seems, I trust that we can offer hope and encouragement to others. No one way is the right way. Each must find her or his way, but hopefully they find it together.
But I must add that you seem to disagree a lot! That indicates to me that you have difficulty listening to the opinions of others. Listening is something that men could improve upon. This is a generalization, of course, but I'll bet a new pair of shoes that most of the female readers of this post are nodding their head in agreement right now.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check on Ken. It's Saturday morning and I don't hear the vacuum yet. Haha. Just kidding ... or am I?
Bea
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