Bf doesn't make me feel like a woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Bf doesn't make me feel like a woman
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Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:26am
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Edited 8/26/2008 6:16 pm ET by inacolada

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 5:49am

Do you think that you are sexy or hot? This might sound like a dumb question, but if you don't see yourself that way, then it's probable that you're not exuding sexy or hot vibes. Perhaps he's simply calling it as he sees it.

You see, being perceived as sexy or hot isn't very straight forward. It's more a reflection of the aura surrounding someone - rather than being directly related to their appearance. Does this make sense?

On the other hand, if you do feel and act sexy when you're dressed up....then I've got absolutely no idea why he doesn't see/say it.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:15am

I agree with Aisha. Someone else can't make you feel anything about yourself. That comes from within you.

If you think you're "sexy" or "hot", then you will be. If you DON'T think you're those things (and evidently you don't) then he can tell you that a hundred times a day, and you still won't think you are.

You don't need another person to validate your feelings about yourself. You either believe in yourself, or you don't. If you don't feel these things, it's because you're insecure about yourself. You need to work on that. He can't make you feel differently about yourself. That's up to you.

Turn it around.....if you think you're a very attractive woman, and someone tells you that you're ugly....will that make you ugly? If you feel that you're very intelligent, and someone says that you're stupid, does that make you stupid? No, it does not.

If your b/f talks about a woman being "hot" in front of you, then he's rude, and doesn't have much respect for you. He also doesn't understand that you're insecure within yourself, or he wouldn't do that. Or, maybe he's just tired of feeling that he has to "reassure" you constantly. If he didn't find you "sexy" or "attractive", he wouldn't be with you, would he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 11:40am

While I agree, that no one can make someone else feel sexy, or beautiful. Only that person can do it. But, if one has constantly been torn down, or has a very low self-esteem, then true heartfelt complements can help build self esteem and cofidence so that the inner beauty and sexiness can come out. I try to regularly tell my DW that to me she is the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world.

CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:04pm

I agree. And some people could actually benefit if they allowed others' opinions of them break down their own self-image. For instance...if TEN people tell you that you're a terrible lover, why wouldn't you consider changing your self-perception("Maybe I suck in bed" )? I would! ;-)




Edited 2/3/2005 1:46 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 3:40pm

I agree, compliments can NEVER hurt, and we all love getting them. But, if a person has been beaten down by their family (it's usually our parents that do it!) all their lives, and has a real problem with self esteem, then all the compliments in the world won't help them, until they believe it themselves.

If the original poster "feels like a woman".....she doesn't need his compliments to make her feel that way. She KNOWS she's a woman. He might just be a guy who doesn't know how to give compliments.....and her asking for them is just being "needy". He's definitely not very sensitive to her if he won't compliment her, but he'll tell her that other women are "hot" and "sexy".

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:09pm

>>If the original poster "feels like a woman".....she doesn't need his compliments to make her feel that way. She KNOWS she's a woman.<<

I fully agree. My DH rarely compliments me - it's just not in his nature. Sometimes I ask him how I look and he'll say that I look great. But he'd never say "sexy or hot". However, I already *know* that I look sexy so I don't really need his affirmation.

And this all goes back to my original point. I know I'm sexy therefore I am. If I didn't believe that I was sexy, then there's no way I could make others think that I'm sexy. Being sexy is a reflection of our mindset - not how we look.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:51pm

"He might just be a guy who doesn't know how to give compliments.....and her asking for them is just being "needy". He's definitely not very sensitive to her if he won't compliment her, but he'll tell her that other women are "hot" and "sexy"."

I think it's insensitive too because even if she has good self-esteem, HIS OPINION, is important to her. I'm not sure, but can we compare it to a man with a small penis and the woman in his life calling it "cute" and then saying how "hot" and "sexy" large penises are?

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 6:04pm
Tell him how you feel. Maybe subconsciously, you're playing into his view of you, too. Maybe if you acted more "womanly" around him, he would see that side of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 6:56pm

>>He's definitely not very sensitive to her if he won't compliment her, but he'll tell her that other women are "hot" and "sexy"."<,

At this point, we can't make that assumption. The O/P said that she's heard him call other women "hot", however she has given us no context to his comments. He could have made those descriptions before they were partners....perhaps they've been friends and sharing conversations for years.

>>I think it's insensitive too because even if she has good self-esteem, HIS OPINION, is important to her.<<

He is giving his opinion. He says that she's "cute". If she wants to be perceived as sexy, then perhaps she needs to act more sexy. Again, this is only speculation, because we don't yet know how the O/P perceives herself.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 7:50pm

Another thought - perhaps you are misunderstanding his meaning behind the word "cute".

Here in Australia, "cute" has two different meanings.

The first meaning is that which is used for puppies and kittens and little children.

The second meaning, used by a man to describe a woman is a serious compliment. When an Aussie man says "hmmm, she's cute" I can tell you, praise doesn't get much higher ;-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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