BF only ejaculates from oral sex
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| Sat, 06-04-2005 - 3:48pm |
My bf and i are both 28 and have been together for almost 2 years. He only cums through oral sex. He tends to prefer doggy style too - I think it is because he takes so long and is trying to concentrate on the sex.
He wants to try anal sex (i'm guessing he has cum through that before perhaps). I'm not so keen on it, but am warming up to the idea.
I haven't asked him so much about his history yet because I was worried about causing further performance anxiety.
When a man can orgasm from a woman giving him oral sex but not through intercourse - does this tend to have a psychological or physical cause? Does it seem it is b/c he isn't attracted to me (haven't had that problem before and am fit etc)?
He is very sexually aggressive and inititates often - he also stays hard the whole time and has not problem getting an erection.
We do have some relationship stress now but this started before then. He recently told though that he feels I have control of the relationship - which I dont feel. I 'll try to delve into this more.
Any thoughts? Does this sound like a treatable version?

First of all, you need to understand that ejaculation, just like a female's orgasms, are just as much mental as physical. He DOES ejaculate from oral sex, so there is no problems with him physically. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not he's "attracted" to you. If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't be there with you, and he probably wouldn't even get an erection. (also, your being "fit" has nothing to do with whether or not a man is attracted to you, either. Looks, body, none of that matters to someone who cares about you.....which is good, because looks and "condition" can fade away with time, what's inside and what most men are attracted to won't "fade" with time.)
Why HAVEN'T you asked him about it? He knows it's happening, he knows that YOU know it's happening, and it's only normal to want to know what the problem is. Of course, he may not know himself.....but it's probably something like he's afraid of getting you pregnant, or some religious or moral hang up. You NEED to talk to him, if for no other reason than settling your own doubts.
How are you supposedly controlling the relationship? Does he mean sexually, or in general? These are things that need to be discussed, NOT wondered about. Pick a time out of the bedroom, and start a discussion. If you can't talk to him after being with him for two years, then there are more problems in the relationship than you realize. Without communication, it can't be a good relationship.
As for the anal sex, that's something that's up to you. Don't do it because you think it will "cure" him......only do it if you're interested, and willing. Even when you're willing, it can be messy and painful.....so think twice about doing it, and ONLY do it if you want to, not because HE wants to.
Thanks for the helpful advice.
I can talk about sex. I have been timid on this issue moreso because I am not sure if it will lead to more damage. Some of the things I've been reading say a greater focus on the issue can lead to greater dysfunction and I wanted to learn more first before approaching the subject.
It does appear to be psychological and I do want to open the communication. I didn't want to jump the gun and come across as angry etc and so I have been more hesitant with this topic in particular.
I will approach in the near future though b/c I know it needs to happen. It may allow for growth for both of us too.
Any tips on how to approach the conversation to avoid it becoming worse?
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I have asked him if he fears pregnancy but he said no. I will need to have a fuller conversation with him though.
I am on birth control. We took tests before stopping condom use and haven't used them since.
Yeah - I have been looking up this info. It is interesting that he can come through oral sex and so at least that is a positive sign.
The term I have found which is closest is retarded or inhibited ejaculation. This will be a bit of a project I can see.