Bf only wants me when drunk?
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| Wed, 01-05-2005 - 9:27am |
I'm so confused in my new r'ship. Sorry if it's a little long. Been dating a guy for about 6 weeks (we're both 26). Things started off great. 1st date was great, got along really well. Had sex after 2 weeks and that was great too, although we were both a little shy. But since then, we've probably only had sex about 4 other times. I don't know if it's me.....or the bigger problem, alcohol. Here's what is going on. Maybe someone can clue me in. And honestly, he's a great guy, so I'm not ready to give up on him yet.
Problem: BF loves to drink and party, and so do his friends. From what I've heard, he was pretty much going out every night before he met me. And I'm not like that. I don't mind letting loose on a Sat night, but I just can't do it 3-5 nights a week and function at work the next day. Typically our nights consisted of drinking with his friends until we're ready to pass out. (Then he's usually in the mood to have sex.) The next day is usually our sober day of watching movies and laying on couch (or if I'm really lucky, working). And of course he's not in the mood to cuddle or have sex. Romantic, huh?
On the plus side, he always tells me (sober) how wonderful I am, and how great this r'ship is, and how much he cares about me. I've met his family quite a few times, and he's told all of them that I'm "the one". On new year's eve at midnight, he told me he's falling in love with me. That was after a few drinks, but when I asked him the next morning if he meant what he said, he said yes.
So my questions are, Why does he only feel like being intimate with me when he's been drinking? Why does he only tell me how he feels about me after a few drinks? Could it be because he's just too shy to open up when he's sober? Or he's nervous or worried that I might not like him sober?

When people drink, they loose inhibitions and insecurities.
Now this is interesting thinking indeed...
When my wife and I are "emotionally" sober, there are no I LOVE YOUs or anything like that. Those things occur only when we're, I don't know, emotionally bliss I guess would be a good term for now I suppose, lol.
So, when it comes to your bf, the only thing I can guess is that he simply doesn't have that emotional "high" when he's sober. When he's had a few drinks to loosen his spirit up a little, then he suddenly IS unable to control his feelings of happiness and joy and sharing his feelings with you.
Does that make sense? Its not THE answer, but it sure is a good guess for now, LOL!
Now my caution would be quite simply this:
If he is THAT emotional when drinking more than not drinking, then OH MY what are his emotions going to be like if he starts drinking while in a mood? Keep that one in mind while you think about your future with him.
And yes o yes o yes you already KNOW Tish is right about you needing to talk with him. If you're able to ask him if he meant what he said during New Years, then you certainly should be able to share your with him regarding the boos as well. Old trick my mother used on my stepdad was for him to prove to her that the drinking wasn't an issue by having him go one simple little week without a single sip.
Anyway, hope the replies will help ya some. What do ya think so far?
C h a r a c t e r
above all else
Mr. Para
C H A R A C T E R
I agree with what both of you are saying. Guys don't generally like to talk about their feelings. But I dont' think he would say the things he does, (even when drinking) if he didnt' mean them.
But when he only wants to have sex when he's drinking, to me it feels like maybe he's not all that attracted to me. I mean, our relationship is still very new, don't you generally like to have LOTS of sex in a new r'ship?
So I agree, we definetely need to talk. I just feel cheated out of the whole "dating" process with him. It's always, "Let's meet up with so-and-so" and then it turns into a drunkfest at some bar.
But on the other hand, we also spend pretty much every night together, so I think we're both needing some space from eachother as well. Maybe that has something to do with it too.
Edited 1/7/2005 11:39 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
Or, how about he's just an alcoholic that can't function sober? It certainly sounds like he drinks too much and too often, and now he's dragging you down with him, if you're going out with him and doing the same thing.
I don't care how nice a guy he is, it's only been six weeks, and already you're not happy with him. I'd say it's time to take off the rose colored glasses and see him for what he really is....a man with a problem. You can't change him or solve his problems.
Is he really worth being with, if you're already not happy with him? Who cares if you've met his family, and he told them you're the one...or that he told you he loves you on NYE......actions speak louder than words.
You don't know him in six weeks.....and if he's drunk the majority of the time, you don't know him at all.