BF is very old fashioned
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| Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:26am |
Okay, I find my situation very ironic. I am a virgin, but a very sexual person and have spent a lot of time exploring that side of myself. I am in my first serious relationship. My boyfriend has had sex with several women. But it seems that I am way more sexual than he is. That is fine, but he frustrates me. He seems very old fashioned on how he thinks of sex, it's only sex if you can "make a baby" and isn't very interested unless he gets intercourse. I can't even get him to really talk to me about it. He says "I love you but I don't do sex talk. I try to be a gentleman." I'm not wanting dirty talk, although that is good too, but he is so big on the communication thing but he won't even talk to me about it.
I dunno. I'm just very frustrated. Any advice on what I could do or say to get him to loosen up a little?

Well, you can't change who he is but part of being in any successful relationship is being willing to compromise when necessary. It just won't work any other way.
Remind him that there are TWO of you in this relationship and unless your sex life reflects and meets the needs and desires of BOTH of you, then it won't be happy or satisfying. And of course, with that comes resentment and anger, which will likely drive you apart over time.
Talk with him, ask him to listen and respect your feeling and desires and work to meet your needs as well as his own. Otherwise, you will likely begin to feel neglected and unappreciated.
However, if he's unwilling to engage in any activity but intercourse, then maybe you just aren't the same page. But, perhaps he's afraid that if you engage in oral or manual activity, that he may begin to pressure you for intercourse.
All you can do is ask for what you want though, he has to do the rest.
Edited 1/17/2006 1:50 am ET by katmandoo2001
How old is your boyfriend?
If he is young - let's say under 22 - there is a good chance that he will grow out of this behaviour and become more open to sexuality. On the other hand, if he is older, 30 perhaps, then he is too far gone to change without professional counselling.
I suggest that you start out by introducing him to these message boards. You can't read this stuff for long without coming away with a new understanding of sex and sexuality.
He's not old fashioned! He's selfish! Was he "making babies" when he had sex with these other women?
He just doesn't want to "bother" with all the other "stuff", he wants intercourse. He may have had sex with other women, but he doesn't have a clue what women want, or if he does, he doesn't care.
First I commend you on maintaining your Virgin status!!! Great job, good going!!! Stick to your guns!!
He wants what he wants to heck with what you want and the beliefs, etc. that have maintained your virgin status up to now.
First off intimacy isn't necessarily intercourse. Love is not sex. Ect. and so on.
I agree with the previous poster who said he was selfish.
He may out grow a certain amount of his selfishness. He may not. He may be uncomfortable exploring other avenues of intimacy because he doesn't have experience with them or "know" about them and doesn't want to seem like a fumbler in this area. Men can not fail in the bedroom! This area, intimacy, love making, sex, in any shape or form is so so defining to a man. They just can not fail or seem like all thumbs here. Now, no ruffled feathers guys, there are exceptions.
Once a healthy sexual relationship and the trust and comfort that comes with that are well established a man is more apt to try something he may feel a bit uncomfortable about because its all new and he may seem not so much the Don Juan at first.
Then too you have to realize men are on average not verbal anyway. Women are, men just aren't. Men have a hard time verbalizing. They may know what they want to say even, but not how to say it or express it.
If he loves you and cares about you he will find another way without intercourse. If he isn't willing then I wouldn't tend to think he's worth it anyway.
Don't compromise yourself, your beliefs, etc. for anyone hun. Stick to your guns. The right guy will come along.