BFs past sexual experience vastly different from mine

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
BFs past sexual experience vastly different from mine
5
Mon, 12-16-2013 - 12:14am

I have been dating someone for about 3 years now. We have both been married and divorced before. He has probably treated me better than anyone I've ever dated or been with. It's clear when we are in the bedroom together that his sexual past is more colorful than mine. He has always been upfront with me and encouraged me to ask if I had any questions about his past. it wasnt until tonight that I inquired. I kind of figured I had an idea about his past but now the truth is in front of me  Him and his wife were swingers and we're together with other couples, etc. He apologized for its effect on me but told me that he loved me so much. I told him my biggest fear was getting hurt again, as my spouse cheated on me while I was pregnant, and he became abusive. he said it was his past and that he wants to settle down with me. I feel good wih him and appreciate his honesty but wow...I am so sheltered! It's shocking to think I know and am with someone with such a decorated sexual past. I always just wanted a fairytale life. I wanted to settle down with my first love and always be with him..etc. I guess keeping my head buried in the sand is not realistic. I feel like I'm fortunate to have found him but am still trying to see his past as less shcoking and perhaps rare when it's may be more common than I realize. I don't know. Just hoping for some sensible feedback as my brain is spinning right now.

thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can imagine making a discovery like that would be troubling given the differences in your past. I really don't think a swinging lifestyle is a very common thing. Call me old fashioned but I would call that having an affair. It might seem like a good idea in the moment and offer some sort of temporary sexual fulfillment, but to me, the damage done to the marriage is monumental.

As you stated, that lifestyle along with his previous marriage is in the past. I guess there's hope that he isn't interested in that kind of sexual exploration anymore. My fear for you is that he would grow bored being in a sexually committed relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
I had expressed the same concern to him. He said that he's not interested in doing that any longer. He expressed that he wants to settle down with somebody. My concern is that he will try to get me interested in that kind of lifestyle. He had mentioned that it was the interest of his ex-wife to do that, and I see that her family dabbles in the same, couples sex. He promises that he will be faithful to me and that he will not hurt me but I know some friends of his just recently went to a strip club. He is not been doing strip club in the time that we have been together, and has in fact skipped a bachelor party because of my this interest and him being in that particular situation, early in our relationship, but he did say that once every few years or so his friends typically go to a strip club and he would go. He doesn't want this to upset me because he says that they don't touch the girls, or anything like that, but they just sit around and have some beers. As much as I love him I'm having a difficult time recognizing this to be my future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013

I don't blame you one bit for being a little concerned about this. It def sounds like he's bringing a very different set of values into the relationship. Has there been anything that has happened since the divorce that would indicate he is achanged man? Has he gone to counseling? Joined a church? Anything like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008

The only major change is that he is a single full time dad and taking care of his son full time, which he never suspected he would Be doing. It's been nice to see him be able to do it. He calls and asks for help/suggestions from time and seems to me he is doing well and does a lot with him, whereas his wife stayed with his son while he worked most of the time. He tried counseling for him and his son, on my suggestion, and they didn't continue. It didn't seem to be a very welcoming experience and he was skeptical as it was. From his point of view it wasn't good and he tried marriage counseling. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

Realestate-

Hi. Nowadays, there are  many choices one can make in life, so it is very easy to get involved with someone with a drastically different history for you. There are a lot more directions we can go--and do go-- than our grandparents could have. For instance, I am a 50 year old man, currently married to my first and only wife. I have slept with 4 women. There are men and women my age with 4 marriages!!! There are people my age with over 100 sex partners, and from my religious connections, I know people close to my age who still are virgins.. I can go on and on about the different life choices people can have.You just have to accept it.

I meanwhile disagree with the other posters about your boyfriend's past involving swinging. It is not something I'd do myself, but by definition, swinging is not cheating or betraying. It's about openness and mutual agreement between a couple. Accordingly, there is no reason to believe he will be unfaithful or otherwise deceive you. As long as he hasn't contracted some nasty, uncurable STD from his prior experiences, I wouldn't hold his past against him.