Bi-polar may be ruining my relationship
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| Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:04pm |
I met my boyfriend over Yahoo Personals 8 months ago. We hit it off right away and have been dating ever since that first night. He is my best friend; we always laugh together, rarely disagree on what to do, and live together. We're already discussing marriage and a family.
I just recently found out I am Bi-polar. I often scream at my boyfriend for no reason. I manage to pick fights over the smallest things. I am untrusting of him (even though I know I have no reason to be) and am violent. I have hit him. I went to the hospital for my problem one night after a HUGE fight and am seeing a counselor now. I feel like a horrible person. Even though I know I'm on the road to recovery, I can't help but feel as if it's all my fault and that I'll end up losing him. Bi-polar disorder is a hard disease to understand because people often see me as normal (because I am in public) or as selfish when I discuss it. Some don't understand that even though I have the same problems as everyone else, I deal with it in a much different fashion. I've told my boyfriend he ought to leave me because I've hurt him so much, but he refuses. I know I'm blessed to have him in my life.
Even our sex life is starting to suffer. I find it more difficult to turn him on. I try different things and, even though he wants to respond, his body just won't. I know it's probably stress getting to us but I just wish I knew how to unwind and go with the flow. It's very rare that I'm turned on, so when I am, I try to seize the moment... but that's when he can't respond. It's as though I have to find a way to suddenly talk myself into being aroused so we can make love when he wants to. When we start, I find myself imagining other places and circumstances so that I can get off. We don't get much time together because he works midnight shifts in the Air Force and I just started a new job that takes up at least 7 hours during the days while he's home. We hardly get to sleep together anymore. I don't want my depression, stress, and lack of time to eat away at our relationship. I don't want to find us in a rut one day that we can't get out of. I get so insecure about my body or our relationship as the sex becomes more like work, and that sometimes sets me off.
Also, I feel so antsy about us getting engaged. We've discussed it so much that I feel there will be no surprise or allure to his proposal when it finally comes out. I don't know when, where, or how it will happen, but I feel as though I may have pushed him into this corner. I'm constantly talking about how much a family means to me. I know he wouldn't discuss a life with me if he didn't want to, but I feel as though I've rushed him. I don't want him to do anything that I made him do because it doesn't mean as much.
Any help??

Bi-polar as with any mental disorder is very hard to understand.