The big C

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2013
The big C
4
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 10:56am

I apologize in advance because I feel like this is going to be a long one - 

Almost 2 years ago I met my now fiance and things were fantastic; we would have sex multiple times a week and sometimes multiple times a day. 8 months into us dating, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer and had to get one of them removed. Obviously after the surgery we didn't do anything for almost 2 months (he had a really hard time healing and had some complications). That was completely fine and I was too tired from taking care of him anyway. Now it's been over a year since the surgery and he has been in remission ever since -- yeah!! However, sex now is complete opposite. Sex is the only thing we get in fights about, other than that we get along great. Last summer (several months after surgery), I would constantly try to get things started using every idea I could come up with, and he would just ignore me. It got to the point where I just had to say "make out with me" and sometimes he would just laugh when I said that. He can no longer have sex multiple times a day let alone even 2 days in a row. I get frustrated with him because I would constantly try to start things only to be ignored, so eventually I stopped trying. He gets annoyed with me because I stopped trying. Whenever we do have sex, it's like he rushes through any type of foreplay, and then it's over in like 10 minutes. Most recently, he came pretty fast, asked if I did and I said no, he made some sarcastic comment and then said goodnight. He doesn't make any attempt at all anymore. I can't be on top of him anymore because a few hours after we are done, he's in pain; he sometimes says that he doesn't care but it upsets me to know that it will hurt him so I just don't do it anymore. We have had a ridiculous amount of conversations about the lack of sex/how we both feel, but I know there's nothing he can do. He has mentioned before that he has no problem doing other things like going down on me, but whenever I try, I still get shut down. He won't even make out with me unless it's going to lead to sex. We got engaged in the Fall and since then we have had more fights about sex. He keeps telling me that things aren't going to change and I need to decide if I can deal with it. It's going to take more than sex to keep me away, but I'm lost on what to do. I feel like I have tried everything - not starting anything which only leads to not having sex for like 2 weeks, I tried starting things and getting ignored and shot down which leaves me crying, I tried suggesting oral-type things but that doesn't work, I tried suggesting counceling for both of us but he's convinced that talking to a stranger isn't going to help his problems, I suggested some type of men's group specifically for testicular cancer, i suggested porn, anal...you name it and I have most likely suggested it. I love him very much, but this is killing me. I don't know what else to do, but me crying all the time isn't working for me -- any ideas/advice? 

I'm sorry this isn't well written at all..i'm quite scatterbrained

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2012
In reply to: Anners621
Fri, 04-19-2013 - 3:26pm

I'm happy for both of you that he is in remission, but it doesn't sound like either of you are happy in this relationship.  He sounds like he's carrying a lot of baggage around after this frightening experience, and I wonder if he's having trouble feeling like the same person he was before.  These were some red flags to me: getting mad at you no matter what, whether you ask for sex or don't ask for it, not caring if you were sexually satisifed, and not wanting any intimacy with you.  At least that's what I'm interpretying from your post.  

I strongly suggest that you do not make any wedding plans until you work though this issue.  While sex can't be the most important focus of a marriage, it is a crucial one.  It goes hand in hand with intimacy, communication and trust, and it will affect other aspects of your marriage.  Men don't like to admit they have a problem, which is why he's balking at therapy.  But I think you both need it, him especially.  It's blatantly clear to me that he hasn't worked through the roller coaster of emotions that comes with a cancer diagnosis.   In your shoes, I would be telling him that I'm not making the decision on what I can handle until he attends counseling with you.  If he's not willing to do at least that to save your relationship, than at least you know where you stand.  You need to know that you did everything you could.  You could always go on your own, or find a support group for yourself for the relatives of cancer survivors.   

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: Anners621
Sun, 04-21-2013 - 8:26pm

 Regular counseling is not going to do any good.  A therapist who is conversant in the effects of the operation and recovery is needed.  Pain when you are on top does not sound good.  perhaps there is something else wrong. 

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
In reply to: Anners621
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 12:41am

I understand his predicament and I’m sure that that particular cancer would make him feel less inclined to instigate...more because of the emotional effect rather than the physical.

I think he is probably feeling a little emasculated....hence his lack of enthusiasm and will to instigate and that understanding given most men associate virility solely to their sexual organs!

I'd probably suggest you try positive reinforcement...remind him how much you are into him and how much of a man he still is to you!

Communication is the key.... a lot of our sexual interest begins way before we go into the bedroom. Our brain is our biggest sex organ! Like women, men also have the need to feel wanted and not just before sex.... Make a point of reminding him that he still does it for you in and out of the bedroom!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
In reply to: Anners621
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 8:21pm

Unless I'm missing something here, it sounds like there are two "issues" here.  He may be suffering from testicular pain and having a relationship issue with you.  I would recommend your discussing a visit or course of medical assistance with his urologist.  You and he must start somewhere.  After determining what the physical problems might be, several joint visits to a marital/sexual therapist could be helpful.  I would not even think about having sexual therapy until he has had a thorough review of his physical health.  After going throught what the two of you have, that course of action will not be easy.  But there is so much at stake that going at this problem with less than your full focus and energy will likely not be enough.  But, isn't it worth it? I wish both of you the very best of luck.  Craig.