Big woman, little man - Position advice?
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Big woman, little man - Position advice?
| Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:07pm |
Hello all. I am at my wit's end with this -- hopefully you can help. My BF has a SMALL penis (4 1/2 inches erect, 3 1/2 inches around - I secretly measured using landmarks on my hands). I am 35, no kids, tall and skinny (if that makes any difference). I've been told I'm a "deep well", but I've done kegels for years, and have had no complaints from previous partners. And none myself. But I can barely even feel BF inside of me.
Other factors: 1) I am a bigtime lubricator, which makes the situation worse - like a slip-n-slide, NO friction. Can I do anything about this "problem"? 2)I can ONLY climax during intercourse (after 15 years of sexual activity, I know this to be a fact). I cannot tolerate direct clitoral stimulation -- oral or manual manipulation. It is like fingernails down a chalkboard for me. I realize I may be in the minority here, but for me intercourse IS IT.
BF is kind and loving and TRIES to please me. He certainly turns me on (thus the overlubrication) but he cannot get me off. Oh, and he feels hurt if I try to help myself -- says it makes him feel inadequate.
SO: my question is, can any of you recommend sexual positions that will allow us to FEEL one another? I've tried legs-together positions, but his penis is too short to reach me that way. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.
Other factors: 1) I am a bigtime lubricator, which makes the situation worse - like a slip-n-slide, NO friction. Can I do anything about this "problem"? 2)I can ONLY climax during intercourse (after 15 years of sexual activity, I know this to be a fact). I cannot tolerate direct clitoral stimulation -- oral or manual manipulation. It is like fingernails down a chalkboard for me. I realize I may be in the minority here, but for me intercourse IS IT.
BF is kind and loving and TRIES to please me. He certainly turns me on (thus the overlubrication) but he cannot get me off. Oh, and he feels hurt if I try to help myself -- says it makes him feel inadequate.
SO: my question is, can any of you recommend sexual positions that will allow us to FEEL one another? I've tried legs-together positions, but his penis is too short to reach me that way. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

Your situation is probably more common than reported; regardless though, you're proof positive NOT alone in this situation. My wife & I aren't experts by any means, but we like to remind everyone that we're all supportive peers here anyway and that you're bound to get some really great advice.
If I understood you correctly, you're fairly certain that you cannot tolerate direct clitoral stimulation, manual or oral. Later in your post, you stated that he feels inadequate and hurt whenever you try to help yourself? Two thoughts on that:
1) However you try helping yourself, does it work? If it does work and doesn't involve a vibrator or toy, then are you certain its impossible to teach 'him' how to do it as well? If you're able to be stimulated at all, even if the one doing it, then perhaps there be hope for trying to teach him as well. Just two cents to ponder for ya.
2) I completely understand his feeling hurt and inadequate in this situation. This is an extremely sensitive issue and I really hope there is some way you could find for this. In my honest opinion, THIS is an issue that needs it. I promise you that my wife & I would seek help and professional advice for something like this. Please consider that option.
Lydia, there is a message board that could also provide some really great advice for you, just like this one, AND it features THE Dr. Ruth:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlruth
Also, there are other sex boards, if you haven't visited them yet, that are pretty experienced and actually focus on the spicier aspects of sex, including your situation:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlpleasurepr
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlimproveyou
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-csgoingdown
We hope so much that you'll find the answers to your problem. Try combining these resources and hopefully you'll get some great advice. Good luck to you!
:)
:)
C h a r a c t e r
above all else
Mr. Para
C H A R A C T E R
Thank you for your kind advice. I'll hit those links you suggested. :)
It seems that men who know what a clitoris is always go right for the Gold, and are determined that I just haven't had it touched the "right" way (THEIR way). They just don't listen or get it when I say direct stimulation is IRRITATING, not pleasurable. BF included -- he wants to get right in there and SUCK that thang. And again gets hurt when I stop him (he's very proud of his oral skills).
When I "help myself" it is through pressure against my labia majora in the crook of my thigh, with my legs together (oddly enough, only on the right side -- evidently I'm pretty orgasmically limited...). But with my legs together his little penis can't be involved in the game. Could I teach him to do this? Probably. But I'd almost rather just masturbate (which I end up doing after we have sex anyway, usually in the bathroom so he won't see proof, again, of his "failure to satisfy".). I guess I'm simply missing uncomplicated, mutually-pleasurable intercourse. It's such an ordeal with BF, and I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells, trying to protect his fragile ego.
Maybe this is indeed a job for a professional. BF is a wonderful man and we are great together in most ways, but the sex is SO unsatisfying...
Thanks again!
Hi Lydia and welcome to the board.
But I am totally with you when it comes to the clit. I HATE having direct stimulation on my clit. It's so uncomfortable and does not feel good at all! I also can only get off with manual stimulation, with my legs closed, putting pressure on my labia majora. Here, I thought I was he only one who didn't like rubbing of the clit. And I've tried teaching BF what to do, but he's ends up going back to the clit. Grrr!
So, this is what I do (except, I guess my situation is different because intercourse is quite satisfying). When he starts going down there with his hand, mouth, whatever, I let him go at it for a few seconds and then I start dirty talking that I want him in me. Since he enjoys making love to me, he doesn't argue and just gets on top. I would take intercourse over being fingered any day.
Sorry, if it doesn't help at all. I just thought is was funny that we have to get off the same way.
Anyone out there in a wonderful, loving, long-term relationship with a partner -- but the sex is awful? How important is the sexual aspect of a committed relationship? As much as I enjoy his company, I have a hard time with the concept of never cumming during intercourse again. He really wants to satisfy me and it's become pretty clear that he *can't*. And I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the situation. At least I still have masturbation.
I'm going to the coast with a girlfriend for a few days, get myself some headspace. Thanks to everyone who sent me friendly words.