Bigger toy than DH? Bad idea?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:53pm |
I would appreciate some advice on an issue that has been concerning me lately. I have a fantastic relationship with my husband, but over the last couple of years (we have been married for just over three years) our sex life has been on a downward spiral. And while I think this is not that unusual for many married couples our sex life has reached a state where it is almost non-existent and I think both of us find it rather boring.
One issue we have (and one that I feel guilty about) is that, with my husband, I find masturbation more satisfying than intercourse. I recognize this problem and have tried on numerous occasions to abstain hoping that this would result in improved performances with my husband but this just hasn't worked. Right from when we first started dating seriously, I tried to be more sexually compatible with my husband, but I just haven't been able to figure out how. For me to orgasm I have learned that I require very deep and filling penetration and this is something that my husband simply doesn't have the equipment to provide.
To meet my 'desires' after we had been dating for about nine months I purchased a large sex toy, which I keep on the bottom of my lingerie draw. My husband (then boyfriend) thought that it was a 'joke' present from my girlfriends and which is never used, but in fact it gets used on most days. I work from home so I have ample opportunity. I think my husband would be somewhat surprised if he knew I masturbated as much as I do, and would be absolutely shocked if he knew that I use this huge thing.
Although in the past I had been known to be quite adventurous sexually and was with my husband when we first started dating, for some reason I have always been very shy about masturbation. I have never done this in front of any man, my husband included. I don't think I can change this but I do want to find a way to include my husband into some of my other activities and improve our sex life together. What I think I would really like is to have him use the dildo when we are together. I know this would significantly enhance our sex life, something he greatly desires and I also think that with this toy he would be able to satisfy me sexually. This is something that he has never been able to do and I know he absolutely craves! I am very confident that with the help of my 'friend' he would be able make me finish. My concern is that he might be put off, or made to feel insecure about the fact that I need something so big to satisfy me. Especially if he compares this to what he has.
One other thing, he has some idea that a previous boyfriend (my ex-fiancé) was on the opposite end of the size spectrum - although he certainly doesn't know huge this guy really was! On learning this fact my husband expressed the typical insecurities that any man might, especially a small guy, but generally he is a very secure and confident man.
We generally communicate well in our relationship and can talk about almost everything. This includes sex, but I have never been able to open up on this issue because of my strong physical preference for deep and full penetration and my fear of my husbands reaction. My hang-up of masturbating in front of my partner only compounds the problem.
I would appreciate any views on my situation and suggestions on improving our sex life. If anyone has had a similar or related experience this would be most helpful. I know bringing my toy into our shared activities could greatly enhance both our enjoyment and this is something that we both really want, but its not without some risk.
If its not obvious, I'm head over heals in love with my husband and would never do anything to hurt him. I am more than prepared to continue on the way we have been, with our current 'underwhelming' sex life and achieving satisfaction when I am alone. However, I really do want to be able to share this aspect of my sex life with him and I know that there is nothing he desires more than to be a better lover for me (he's that kinda guy). I am a little torn. Any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Pages
Every person is different and you're the one who has the best idea of how he'll react. I think you should go for it, but try to work it in a fantasy of some sort.
Is it length, width or both that you need most for satisfaction? If it's width, then get one that is closer to his size in length but as wide as you prefer. It may not be as psychological impacting that way.
On a side note, did your ex fiance's size ruin sex for you with less endowed men or is this something that would have still occured if you didn't experience that big?
I have to take issue with your comment about marital sex slowing down and becoming less exciting. Well, yes, that CAN happen when one or both partners stop making it a priority. But after almost 30 yrs. of marriage, I can say that hasn't happened in mine. Usually, when sex becomes boring it's because the partners have stopped trying and have become boring themselves.
With your situation, I think you have to put yourself in your husband's shoes and try to imagine how YOU would feel.
How would you react to finding a fake vibrating vagina, many sizes smaller than yours, hidden in his sock drawer? How would you react to finding out that he used it daily? How would you feel to find that he feels your vagina is just too big for him to be satisfied and that his ex was much smaller and tighter?
There are two sides to your predicament so there's no way of predicting how he will react, but it's not likely that he will take it well...but if you want to change things, then being honest has to be the start.
Remember, you married this man knowing his penis size and accepting it, so now, it's up to you, to learn to make it work...out of love and concern for him and your marriage.
Edited 6/21/2005 11:02 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
Each guy reacts differently to size issues. I have always enjoyed incorporating vibrators into sex play with my DW. She also has one that is quite a bit larger than me. In fact, I am the one that bought it for her. However, some guys could be uncomfortable with it.
One thing that helped me is that I realized that if I look at the women in Playboy, I don't look at my wife any differently. I don't love her any less and she doesn't excite me any less just because she doesn't have the type of body those women have in Playboy. I figured the same was true for the large toys. While she enjoys how they feel, she doesn't love me any less and she obviously still gets excited to have sex with me.
I think you should talk to your DH about wanting to spice up your sex life by incorporating a vibrator or dildo. If he expresses concerns, you can use the Playboy analogy I gave. You can also start out by incorporating a smaller toy first just to get him used to the idea. Then after a while, bring out the large one.
My wife was never able to orgasm from intercourse, but we have lots of fun with the toy I bought her for her birthday. The combination of it and my tounge is her favorite and that make a nice warm up for intercourse. I bet that you husband would be VERY happy to be included in your masterbation sessions. Give him some credit. You will probably be pleasantly suprised.
Ray
Gillian, first thing's first,
Sex may often be nothing more than fulfilling intimacy, even if self gratification is desired more often than not. Masturbation gives YOU control of satisfying your needs...that goes for EVERY one of us, realistically.
When it comes to masturbation, I still don't believe it to be a guilty issue. No matter how good ANY lover is, its just unrealistic IMO for anybody to feel unaccomplished simply because a partner may be more turned on by masturbation, even at a frequent level.
Your self gratification needs DO require a tool when you need one, that is that. If you ever did choose to reveal and discuss this with him, I think it'd be better to focus on the fact that you're using such a toy because you have MORE CONTROL and not because its bigger and that's it. Perhaps it'd be appropriate to sell him on the idea that you can't duplicate his penetration with an ordinary tool/toy.
Keep him everso mindful of just how normal this TRULY IS among women and that he is not any less of anything because of it. Only reason you hesitated discussing this is because you weren't ready for his possibly negative reaction IF he had one. What you are doing is VERY normal, and what you are using is VERY legit. You are NOT guilty and are NOT indicating lack of satisfaction. You're a NORMAL masturbating human at times who DOES enjoy the full control and even the extra sensation from a vibrator if that's included and you simply need a "tool" to help you with that just like men can use their hands WITHOUT a toy.
I can't imagine how bad his view of this could possibly be if you take such positive approaches like this, but as already mentioned, only YOU know him well enough.
C H A R A C T E R
I’m trying to work up the courage.
Pages