Bigger toy than DH? Bad idea?
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| Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:53pm |
I would appreciate some advice on an issue that has been concerning me lately. I have a fantastic relationship with my husband, but over the last couple of years (we have been married for just over three years) our sex life has been on a downward spiral. And while I think this is not that unusual for many married couples our sex life has reached a state where it is almost non-existent and I think both of us find it rather boring.
One issue we have (and one that I feel guilty about) is that, with my husband, I find masturbation more satisfying than intercourse. I recognize this problem and have tried on numerous occasions to abstain hoping that this would result in improved performances with my husband but this just hasn't worked. Right from when we first started dating seriously, I tried to be more sexually compatible with my husband, but I just haven't been able to figure out how. For me to orgasm I have learned that I require very deep and filling penetration and this is something that my husband simply doesn't have the equipment to provide.
To meet my 'desires' after we had been dating for about nine months I purchased a large sex toy, which I keep on the bottom of my lingerie draw. My husband (then boyfriend) thought that it was a 'joke' present from my girlfriends and which is never used, but in fact it gets used on most days. I work from home so I have ample opportunity. I think my husband would be somewhat surprised if he knew I masturbated as much as I do, and would be absolutely shocked if he knew that I use this huge thing.
Although in the past I had been known to be quite adventurous sexually and was with my husband when we first started dating, for some reason I have always been very shy about masturbation. I have never done this in front of any man, my husband included. I don't think I can change this but I do want to find a way to include my husband into some of my other activities and improve our sex life together. What I think I would really like is to have him use the dildo when we are together. I know this would significantly enhance our sex life, something he greatly desires and I also think that with this toy he would be able to satisfy me sexually. This is something that he has never been able to do and I know he absolutely craves! I am very confident that with the help of my 'friend' he would be able make me finish. My concern is that he might be put off, or made to feel insecure about the fact that I need something so big to satisfy me. Especially if he compares this to what he has.
One other thing, he has some idea that a previous boyfriend (my ex-fiancé) was on the opposite end of the size spectrum - although he certainly doesn't know huge this guy really was! On learning this fact my husband expressed the typical insecurities that any man might, especially a small guy, but generally he is a very secure and confident man.
We generally communicate well in our relationship and can talk about almost everything. This includes sex, but I have never been able to open up on this issue because of my strong physical preference for deep and full penetration and my fear of my husbands reaction. My hang-up of masturbating in front of my partner only compounds the problem.
I would appreciate any views on my situation and suggestions on improving our sex life. If anyone has had a similar or related experience this would be most helpful. I know bringing my toy into our shared activities could greatly enhance both our enjoyment and this is something that we both really want, but its not without some risk.
If its not obvious, I'm head over heals in love with my husband and would never do anything to hurt him. I am more than prepared to continue on the way we have been, with our current 'underwhelming' sex life and achieving satisfaction when I am alone. However, I really do want to be able to share this aspect of my sex life with him and I know that there is nothing he desires more than to be a better lover for me (he's that kinda guy). I am a little torn. Any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

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Ok, the crux of it really boils down to this. You had an ex-fiancé who seems to have a very large penis. This is something you really enjoyed. Your husband doesn't have the size that you prefer and you miss that. Now you'd like to introduce a toy into the bedroom so you can get that feeling your ex-fiancé used to give you that your husband cannot.
This has the the potential to sensitive subject. I can see why. Basically, you're telling your husband, he doens't feel as good as your ex. Will your husband be putoff by this? Don't know. I would say it's difficult for anyone here to tell since we do not know him.
Let me ask you. If your husband and an ex that used to cut her hair and dress a certain way and he asked to be more like her, would you be offended?
I made the same point in my response, Wary. I think it's important to look at this from his point of view and be prepared for a negative reaction, particulary, since she said that he's insecure about his size anyway.
And bringing "Big Bob" into bed with them will be basically confirming his worst fears. He can either accept her need for this or he can't.
Edited 6/24/2005 1:53 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
>>and people wonder why guys worry so much about size...<<
I see your point...to a point. ;)
Sometimes being great just the way we men are isn't always going to . Clearly, no one single body or body part will be able to satisfy women, LOL, since they all have differing preferences anyway.
A certain size to one woman may mean more to her than great foreplay experience that another woman would enjoy. So its really not bad or wrong at all for the different preferences seeing that we all (men AND women) have our own anyway.
I tend to view it this way: No one put down smaller sizes, but a preference exists by this one woman, the original poster, for a larger size, and she did not claim to represent the wants of other women, just herself.
If we men view it that way, for what it actually is, then the preference wouldn't appear demeaning at all IMO.
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