Bigger toy than DH? Bad idea?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Bigger toy than DH? Bad idea?
29
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:53pm

I would appreciate some advice on an issue that has been concerning me lately. I have a fantastic relationship with my husband, but over the last couple of years (we have been married for just over three years) our sex life has been on a downward spiral. And while I think this is not that unusual for many married couples our sex life has reached a state where it is almost non-existent and I think both of us find it rather boring.

One issue we have (and one that I feel guilty about) is that, with my husband, I find masturbation more satisfying than intercourse. I recognize this problem and have tried on numerous occasions to abstain hoping that this would result in improved performances with my husband but this just hasn't worked. Right from when we first started dating seriously, I tried to be more sexually compatible with my husband, but I just haven't been able to figure out how. For me to orgasm I have learned that I require very deep and filling penetration and this is something that my husband simply doesn't have the equipment to provide.

To meet my 'desires' after we had been dating for about nine months I purchased a large sex toy, which I keep on the bottom of my lingerie draw. My husband (then boyfriend) thought that it was a 'joke' present from my girlfriends and which is never used, but in fact it gets used on most days. I work from home so I have ample opportunity. I think my husband would be somewhat surprised if he knew I masturbated as much as I do, and would be absolutely shocked if he knew that I use this huge thing.

Although in the past I had been known to be quite adventurous sexually and was with my husband when we first started dating, for some reason I have always been very shy about masturbation. I have never done this in front of any man, my husband included. I don't think I can change this but I do want to find a way to include my husband into some of my other activities and improve our sex life together. What I think I would really like is to have him use the dildo when we are together. I know this would significantly enhance our sex life, something he greatly desires and I also think that with this toy he would be able to satisfy me sexually. This is something that he has never been able to do and I know he absolutely craves! I am very confident that with the help of my 'friend' he would be able make me finish. My concern is that he might be put off, or made to feel insecure about the fact that I need something so big to satisfy me. Especially if he compares this to what he has.

One other thing, he has some idea that a previous boyfriend (my ex-fiancé) was on the opposite end of the size spectrum - although he certainly doesn't know huge this guy really was! On learning this fact my husband expressed the typical insecurities that any man might, especially a small guy, but generally he is a very secure and confident man.

We generally communicate well in our relationship and can talk about almost everything. This includes sex, but I have never been able to open up on this issue because of my strong physical preference for deep and full penetration and my fear of my husbands reaction. My hang-up of masturbating in front of my partner only compounds the problem.

I would appreciate any views on my situation and suggestions on improving our sex life. If anyone has had a similar or related experience this would be most helpful. I know bringing my toy into our shared activities could greatly enhance both our enjoyment and this is something that we both really want, but its not without some risk.

If its not obvious, I'm head over heals in love with my husband and would never do anything to hurt him. I am more than prepared to continue on the way we have been, with our current 'underwhelming' sex life and achieving satisfaction when I am alone. However, I really do want to be able to share this aspect of my sex life with him and I know that there is nothing he desires more than to be a better lover for me (he's that kinda guy). I am a little torn. Any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 4:37pm


Here's the answer: yes, it will hurt his feelings. There's just no way around it. Will it crush his life out? I doubt it, but it may lead to things like increased jealousy in public settings and general insecurity. Most people don't actually have the power to reconcile themselves to what they strongly suspect must be a basic irrevocable inadequacy, no matter what it is. The problem with penises is that they are in the tiny minority of things which one cannot merely rationalize away; thus us males' preoccupation with it. He may really get off on watching you pump up and down on the "novelty dick," or whatever it is (which sounds to me like it must be one of those impossible-looking 12"-ers), so that would be interesting to him, but ultimately it's not that great to walk around all day with the fantasy image in your head of your wife impaling herself on something the size of your forearm that has, essentially, replaced you.

C'mon. You know the answer to this. Don't tell him, and just keep it private, is my advice, unsatisfactory as that may be. Hey though, we all keep certain details of our past lovers alive in our heads because we like them and probably don't have much choice in the matter. No sense in beating yourself up about it.

Out of curiosity, they say a woman's fantasy life is not as intense as a man's. Now, since they say that, and the predominant mood at large is that any such discrepancies must be broadly Not true, then a woman's fantasy life is as intense as a man's. I know I generally have a completely epic series of sexual fantasies running spontaneously through my head while doing the deed(s) and I couldn't imagine not having it--so won't that be enough to make up for the physical deficiency, especially when you have your trusty leviathan to blow your brains out during the day? Just rely on fantasy?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 5:08pm

Kulthur, when I'm "doing the deed," I'm right there in the moment with my DH. No fantasizing or thinking of past lovers for me. Just not necessary.

Privately, that's another matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 9:23pm

Oh of course--to each their own. I often am too. I have a pretty vivid imagination though ;). Sort of a necessity for us guys between the ages of about 8 and 16. Heh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 3:27am

Hi Gillian,
You have quite a dilema on your hands, my dear. My DW and I faced a very similar situation to yours and your DH. We fell in love after being friends for a long while and when we first started becoming sexual it was intense for me but while I could tell she enjoyed it she NEVER climaxed during intercourse. While she said it was "just fine" for her it bothered me on some level. I asked her if she had ever climaxed that way with former bfs. She said yes with her first bf whom she described as "Very large". That made me squirm a bit when she told me this though - but she was being honest and I appreciated that. I learned her body well and brought her to climax often with my fingers and my tongue but never with my "equipment".

I decided to go to a sex shop with her and buy her a toy. She agreed and chose a very large toy. When we got home she was primed to try him out "I bet I can take all of that inside" and to my amazement she took him REALLY deep after just a few warm up strokes. I was in awe. She got a look on her face I had never ever seen and it was clearly one of intense pleasure. I grabbed the base and pushed him even deeper until I hit bottom and began to stretch her and she came over and over again. She was drained when we were done, but smiling from ear to ear. Her new "friend" became a part of our lovemaking from then on.

Sometimes when she was not around I would compare myself to the love toy. "My wife can take ALL of that?!" Your DH will feel the same way. "My wife needs THAT much to be filled up. Wow." It really hit home when I looked in the mirror turned sideways with the toy against my abdomen. It was VERY erotic to see my penis directly beside what my wife loved to take inside, but at the same time humbling too. Your DH will feel the same way.

So there you have it from the guy's perspective that sounds alot like your DH. And you sound alot like my DW. In a perfect world people fall in love with folks they are totally sexually compatible with. As couples we both did not. You married him knowing this about him and my DW did too. You love him dearly, that's obvious - but you need to be bold now. Tell him the truth. He wants to please you. Any man would feel the same towards his wife. Tell him he's 100% male in your eyes just the way he is. Tell him you've been using the toy you have and it does the trick but you want to use it with him to bring you two closer as a couple. Expect him to feel a bit squeemish when you take all of the toy for the first time. But for me - it was amazingly erotic to watch and be a part of. I bet it will be for him too. Get over your shyness about masterbating in front of him. sit in chairs across from each other pleasure yourselves for each other. You two deserve a great sex life together. Communicate and play. BE BOLD Gillian. We sound sooo much alike as a couple and from the DH's perspective he WANTS you to be happy that way. He just does not know how to do it. He probably feels bad about things (especially after you told him about your former finace's equip) but now does not know how to "fix it" and we guys love to "fix" things. It's who we are. Have some faith in him. It's going to be an erotic but humbling experience for him. But .. he's probably a bigger man inside than you may imagine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 8:50pm
Thanks to everyone for their comments and feedback. The replies were somewhat varied but generally supportive that I try to do something with my SO. I decided to take this advice but was still pretty nervous about him reacting poorly. So, what I decided to do was to suggest some things to him in a round about sort of way which would allow me to backtrack if it was going poorly.
A few weeks ago I sat down with my husband and told him that I wanted to spice-up our sex life. I was careful to let him know that I thought that while we both needed to try harder I felt I should bear the bulk of the responsibility for our so-so sex life. I wanted to ensure that we got our experiment off on the right foot and without him feeling challenged or insecure. What I suggested to him was that we should try something just a little bit different sexually each weekend to try to force us out of our rut. I wanted to ease into this and suggested the first night that I wear some sexy lingerie. I own a decent collection, but there are a few racier pieces that I don't really wear very much. I think because we were both focused on trying harder this resulted in a better outcome, which we both enjoyed. My husband certainly seemed to like it and I benefited from more foreplay, oral sex etc, and a happier spouse. Definitely a step in the right direction! The following weekend I suggested we rent an adult video. This is something we have sort of done once or twice when we where staying in a hotel, but not for years. Once again, I would call this a success, but not so much because either of us enjoyed the movie, which was boring and cheesy, but just because we were focused and anticipating it. This leads us to last weekend when I suggested we try a sex toy. I didn't mention at all what type of toy I had in mind but we planned to do some shopping at a store not too far away on Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately, we got tied up at my parents and by the time we got there it was quite late and the store was closed. I didn't want us to go downtown to one of those seedy sex shops so we went home empty handed. When we got home I could tell my husband was disappointed (he would have gone downtown) and eager to try something else, but I was shocked when he suggested we use the large toy I have in the back of lingerie drawer. I tried to act coy, but on the inside I really started to get excited at the prospect of bringing this into our sex life. I let things unfold as slowly as I could and before long we were in the bedroom. He pulled it out and made a number of comments about its impressive size and for (I think) the first time asked me if I have ever used it. I mentioned that I had been a bit curious and played around a bit but never answered the question directly. To make a long story short, he started with a little oral and then began using the toy. He was very gentle at first only pushing it in a little, maybe 5-6 inches and I was trying to stay as patient as I could, but I just lost it. I could feel my face going flush and I got wetter than I had ever been with him before. I think he was surprised how easily the first bit went it but after I got going I literally grabbed his wrist and forced it all the way up. By that time I was well across the line and simply unable to take responsibilities for my actions. It felt unbelievable and I let him know it. Generally, I never swear, but I know there were at least a couple of four-letter words that my husband heard from me for the first time. At first he wasn't sure how to use it on me, but I can promise you after the first few minutes he would not have had any doubt that I liked it deep and hard. My orgasm was unbelievable, certainly like none that I had ever experienced with him before and he really seemed to get into it. After I was done, which took a while as it just kept on going he immediately got on top of me but he went off in maybe 20 seconds. I was shocked. This is never, ever a problem for him so I know how worked up he was and this really turned me on as well. Afterwards he wanted to talk about it, something I was a little uncomfortable to do because he kept asking me to describe how it felt and how it was obvious that I really loved one that was so huge. Which is true and was obvious, but I didn't really want to talk about this because now that we were using my toy I didn't want him to feel bad about it. But as we talked he became more and more aroused and the few times I did answer him only seemed to drive him over the wall. Finally I did answer a couple of questions including letting him know that I had indeed had a man about this size in the past and that this guy was able to give me orgasms like the one I just had with him. Well this did it and we started to make love again and even though this was the second time he still was so aroused that it was pretty fast. We haven't made love twice in one night since before we were married, so this was great too and a real turn on for me because I knew how much he was enjoying himself.
So all in all this has been unbelievable. He had to leave on Monday for a business trip but we ended up making love in the morning (also something we haven't done for ages) and with him again wanting me to talk about how much I liked the size of my toy. So its great that he is so energized and although I find it a little strange that this is exciting him so much I sure don't want to complain. I know he loves me and he has always wanted to satisfy me sexually and now he knows he might have found a way.
Can't wait till he gets back, but in the meantime I haven't slowed down any.
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 12:26am

Gillian,


I must say your husband is a lucky man

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 11:19am
I'm glad you had such a great night with the toy. I think this is a good example for a lot of people. You need to be honest with your spouse about what turns you on in bed. Most guys are willing to please their partners, they just need you to tell them what you enjoy. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 12:22pm
I'm glad everything worked out and it did turn out to be honest, but was a bit manipulative leading up to the event.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 12:08pm
wary,
What do you mean manipulative? She was nervous about how he would react, so she took it slow to introduce a sex toy to the bedroom. I would have recommended that she was a little more upfront with him about what her sexual desires are, but I don't think that it was manipulative.

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