books for help with sex drives
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books for help with sex drives
| Sun, 03-13-2005 - 10:54pm |
Does anybody know of any good books which help couples with two very different sex drives. I am a 26 year old male with a normal male sex drive, and my wife is a 27 year old female with a very low sex drive. we have no children and have been married for 4 years. my wife has to "talk" herself into having sex, to even wanting to have sex. when we do have sex it is great and then i always think that she is going to come around however she doesn't. thsi hasn't changed in 4 years. i noticed some books on ivillage here that seem pretty good. the one I am looking at is: The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner Davis. Has anybody read that book and does anybody have any other books that might help a couple with too different sex drives?

Have you tried talking about it? Are you sure it's great for her? There's a reason she's not interested. Has she had her hormones tested? Sometimes that's the reason for no interest. There are also emotional reasons.....like having been taught that sex is dirty, or that "nice women" don't like sex. There's also a possibility of sexual abuse as a child.
If someone is literally not interested in sex, I doubt if reading a book is going to change them. What needs to be done is to get to the bottom of it, and find out if it's a physical thing, or an emotional thing.....and then work on it. You didn't mention the frequency.....and you have needs to be met, too.
Start with a good physical to rule out a hormone problem, then try talking about it, and if that doesn't work, then maybe some counselling is what's called for.
My Husband also has a normal sex drive, and I have a very LOW sex drive. We have been married for 4 months, but while being married we only got to see each other a few days every month. He is active duty Army and was constantly moved form state to state before he was deployed to Iraq.
My problem was that if I wanted sex emotionally, physically I didn’t. By body would not respond and I would become numb. So no matter how much I wanted sex, it just didn’t work.
What helped me was reading erotica. Reading about sex made me want it both physically and mentally. So before my husband would come home, I would read erotica. And that helped a lot!
If you have any questions feel free for you or your wife to E-mail me.
Because I know exactly what this is like.
~Mandy
Cadetcurtice@aol.com
I very much agree with greenteabag. There are too many possible reasons for her low libido - and as such, I doubt a book would really cover it.
I've got one question for you: Was her sex drive higher when you were dating? If so, when did it change....and was it at the same time as any other changes in her life? (be it medical/emotional/work-wise)
Well, since I don't know of any couples whose sex drives are the same, I would guess that that disparity is probably more common than not.
In my marriage, I have a higher sex drive than my DH, and always have. But we compromise on frequency because we agreed to make one another THE priority in our lives.
So, he has sex more often than he might actually like and I have it less than I might want. Plus, I compensate by taking care of my own needs when necessary. That willingness to compromise and changing the focus from GETTING to GIVING has made it workable for us for 29 years.
We really don't have the right to assume that ALL our needs will be met by our partner anyway. That's just not realistic. But if the couple has the maturity, willingness and proper focus.... most problems, minor or major, can be resolved.
IF she has absolutely NO desire for sex, and doesn't know why, than she does need to find out if this is a physical or emotional problem, as GTB suggested. Sometimes though, feeling pressured to have sex when you aren't in the mood can feel like your feelings are being circumvented and cause great resentment and anger. Sit down and have an honest discussion to figure out if this is just a frequency issue or a real emotional or physical problem.
Edited 3/14/2005 5:46 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Hi Buddy,
I am also going thru the same for the past three years too.
I am 30 years now and wife is 27 and have been married for almost 3.5 years.
We got blessed by a baby 3 months back.
Though I was thinking that might be my wife's libido increases after child but all in vain.
we used to have sex once or max twice a month in the early years of our marriage.
Can you please suggest as to what all one can do to increase his wife's libido.
If incease I need to get medical advice for her, where shall I take her and what sort of doctor to show.
please share as even i tried to make love yesterday, but all in vain, she just simply doesn't get excited or aroused even after 15-20 mins of foreplay and I get sick and tired of it.
If u are on yahoo messenger do add me in that then my email id is naabarjuna@yahoo.co.uk
regards,
naaba
Does your wife try to get aroused or even want to have sex but is having problems getting aroused
Your wife just had a baby and is still recovering, physically, hormonally and emotionally. IF her libido is still being affected, as you seem to indicate, then that's completely normal. It can take up to 18 or more months for a woman to completely recover from childbirth and regain her normal hormonal balance.
Rather than attempt to pressure her to feel something she just doesn't yet, why not ask her to provide pleasure for you through oral or manual means, until she does. But you must be reasonable in your expectations....she IS taking care of a new baby and that's a 24 hour a day job.
IF she doesn't regain her normal libido within a year or so, then she should talk with her gynecologist.