boyfriend doesn't want......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
boyfriend doesn't want......
5
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:00pm
I'm 20 years old dating a wonderful 23 year old guy. We have been together for over 6 months and we have been happy the entire time.

My problem is that my boyfriend never seems interested in sex. Not only am I the one who normally initiates, but I often get turned down. He says he would rather just lie down with me.

I know that I am an attractive woman and I know that I do have the ability to turn him on. Although the rejection does make me feel terrible.

One possible reason is that he is going through an incredibly stressful time right now due to work and often works 6 days a week. He is always exhausted.

We have discussed this many times and I have explained that this bothers me, but the problem is always there.

What can I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:51pm
gosh shaynee, i don't know, i am stumped...my late husband was also a very hard worker but he still desired sex...my current SO works long hard hours and he too still desires sex frequently...maybe you can encourage your boyfriend to realize sex is a great stress release and a wonderful way to relax after a long, hard workday...let him see that it doesn't always have to be acrobatic and exhausting to make love, sometimes its very pleasurable to make "lazy" love :).

best to you!

honey

    

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 4:02pm
23 and never wants sex? Sounds like something else is going on here. How's your relationship overall? Any unresolved conflicts or issues lingering? It's possible that he's depressed,or has some underlying medical condition. Does he take any kind of medication that could be affecting his drive? Is he resentful about working so much?

I think you need to discuss this with him, explain that this neglect will eventually lead

to resentment on your part and that leads to anger. Ask him to get a checkup if he hasn't had one in a while.

You might also want to start scheduling sex for the time being. No, that's not as sexy as spontaneity but sometimes, it helps to know when you can expect sex and plan ahead. Ask him to find time for you 1-2 times a week. If he cares for you, then he needs to make time to show you. And together, if each of you is willing to give a little, you'll work it out. Just be realistic and compassionate in your requests and approach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:39pm
A normal healthy 23 year old man wants more than lying down with a woman. Many men work 6 or 7 days a week, and work long hours. That has nothing to do with a normal sex drive. There's something else going on with him. You tell him it disturbs you, but obviously he doesn't care, or he'd do something about it.

You need to make HIM talk....forget that you're not happy, try to find out WHY he's not interested in sex. Maybe he needs to see a doctor and have a check up. Maybe he's depressed. He needs to understand that sex is an important part of a relationship, and without it, the relationship isn't going to last. If he wants it to last HE has to make some changes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 9:48am
Hi Shaynee,

You've gotten good advice here. It is unusual for a 23 year old man to not want sex. My gut instinct tells me though that his problem has nothing to do with you. As some have said depression can have a really detrimental effect on sex drive. Someone mentioned that sex is a great stress reliever. I would have to agree that for many of us it is (myself included), however, for some sex takes energy, energy that can be extremely depleted due to job stress, depression etc. I think it's best to not make a sweeping generalization about people; because BOB works long hours and still wants sex, then Steve who also works long hours should want sex too. People are all different and need different things in order to completely release their sexuality. So treat your bf like an individual and find out what he needs in order to be more sexual.

Good luck.

Scott.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 7:00pm
Wow, I just read your post and thought it was the one I just wrote. Almost exactly. I am feeling the same way right now. I to am having a hard time dealing with it and it is making me feel bad about myself. I guess that we just need to keep in mind that although guys are supposed to have a higher sex drive, sometimes that is not true, and also, stress seems to effect guys alot more in that area. Maybe sit down and talk to him about how it is making you feel, not accusingly but just let him know.