Boyfriend doesn't want to have sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Boyfriend doesn't want to have sex
11
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:27am
Hi everyone. First time on this board!

I've been dating a guy for almost three months...right after getting a divorce from my controlling husband. He's great, very nice, gives me my space, and I enjoy being with him. The problem is that he DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX! How weird is this? We had sex two or three times and I had an allergic reaction to the condoms we used (they had spermicidal lubricant on them) and had to be on meds for a week. After that happened, he stopped initiating sexual activity. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he didn't want to complicate my life further. (Okay, little background info would be good here. I have a controlling ex-husband who calls me every few weeks, I'm moving 3000 miles next month, and I'm a full-time student. I guess he thinks I'm a little stressed out!)

Anyway, what to do? I try to initiate sex, but we haven't had sex in over a month! He still wants to be with me, do stuff with me, which is great, but I'm only human. My roommate (a guy) told me just to "rape him." My girlfriends are telling me to dump him. I think there's a deeper issue, but he won't talk about it. Meanwhile, I'm dying for some sex and my eye is starting to wander. I really like this guy, but I want to have a normal, adult relationship with him. It's not like we're kids (I'm 23, he's 28), we've both been married, we're responsible. I just don't know what I can do; I've already tried to talk to him on several occasions. I feel like if I bring it up one more time, he's going to be sick of talking about it. Please help!

PS: He still gets an erection sometimes when we're laying in bed, so it's not like he can't get it up. Just a bit more info.


Edited 5/11/2004 9:34 am ET ET by brillig25

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:36am
Then let him be. If you didn't want to have sex, and he kept trying, what would you do?? Do you like this guy, or is he a rebound??? Get over it. He doesn't want sex, then be rational, reasonable, and straight forward with him. But most of all, calm down. If you don't want to have sex, you don't want to have sex, and not much is going to change that, accept time, love, and lots of attention. Your choice. Accept it, or leave him for it. If you are being so shallow about it, then I think this is a rebound, and you need to leave him before you end up hurting him to badly. If you really care, then deal with it, and talk to him rationally. You talk about being adult, well, being an adult is accepting others desires, and not always getting what you want. Guys can be uninterested in sex, just like women. You push, and it is no better than him, pushing you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:41am
Yes, I'm pretty sure this is a rebound. However, the fact that I'm still with him after over a month of agonizing about this (I keep wondering if it's me, because I have a skin condition which I am very self-concious about) may speak to the fact that I'm not as shallow as you think.

He has told me that it's not for lack of wanting sex that he's not tried. But as far as the real reason...that's what I'm trying to figure out. Thanks for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:48am
Whatever the reason, badgering him won't get you what you want. Unless you want sex by coercion. I wouldn't. You've stated how you felt, now back off....it's the only true way of knowing that he wants you sexually. He's not stupid. Let him make intelligent choices for his own well being. Be supportive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:50am
Then just sit down with him and have an adult conversation about it. Start off with asking him how he feels about you. I was not trying to insult, just remind you that regardless of sex, people who do not want sex, should not be pressured. That being said, I would think that after something like the allergic reaction that you had to the spermacide, your man is very concerned for your wellfare. I know I would be. I would also think that it would seriously put a damper on having sex for a little while. Go out and get some condoms that do not have the spermacide, which I am sure you have done, and use one to finger yourself. Show him that it is not the rubber, but the cream. Then tell him you want to have sex with him, and in fact you need it. Talk to him honestly, and by using the rubber on yourself, you are showing him that it is in fact the spermacide, and not the latex. I would be very afraid that it was the latex, or something about me, if my SO had an episode like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:54am
I've been thinking that he might be concerned because of the problem with the spermicide, but he never brought it up again after I healed. What you suggested may be a good idea, just to show him that it's not the latex that causes the problem. Still, I don't want to push because you are right, I wouldn't want him to push me if I didn't want it.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:58am
You are very welcome, and I wish you the best of luck. I being a man know where you are coming from. Been there done that. But it is a fact of life, and we all have no choice but to accept it, or do irreperable damage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:01am
This is true. I am also thinking that alot of my mindset may have to do with my ex, who wanted sex 24/7 and didn't really stop to think about me too much. Maybe I need to change the way I think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:12am

I don't think it's that weird.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:15am
That may be a factor. I can see that. I always think about sex. I can see how it can effect my SO if I always let her know I am thinking about it, and want it. Sex is great, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, even men just want to be close, holding the one he loves, without thinking about sex. Even I have that problem. When my SO is close to me, especially when dressed sexy, or nude, all I can think about is making love to her. But there I have learned to allow her the space, and comfort of just snuggling, or non sexual touching, caressing, etc. It took forever for me to get used to it, but now, we are happier, she is more responsive, and we still have sex as often as I like, because she wants to have sex as often as I do, she just didn't like feeling the pressure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:26am
No, he's not going with me when I move. I've thought about the fact that he doesn't want a LDR; neither do I. He has known that I was moving from day one. Unfortunately, I have deeper feelings about him than I care to admit. Maybe the same can be said for him, I don't know. I would like to continue our relationship, but the LD thing is difficult and really not fair to either of us. But I do know that I have to go back home; I stayed here for 5 years between the military and my ex, and it's time for me to go back.

Anyway, my roommate was joking, of course. He just doesn't understand either and couldn't think of any advice to give. Sorry if that offended anyone.

Thanks for your response.

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