boyfriend having trouble ejaculating

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
boyfriend having trouble ejaculating
12
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 8:25am
I am 38 years old and have lived with my fiance for about 4 months. I have I guess is an unusually healthy sexual appetite. I could have sex 3 times a day if he wanted to...but we don't. But that's not really the problem. I have NEVER had this problem before and don't know how to deal with it. My boyfriend sometimes has no problems having an orgasm. But then, we can have sex....the record is 5 times, so far...and he can't come. When he can't come...of course, the 1st thing that comes to mind is...what could I have done different to make it happen? It is much easier for most men to have an orgasm than a woman. I get very disappointed when he doesn't. All he will say is that he enjoyed it and it feels great, he just comes up with a million reasons why he didn't. And if I push the issue, and ask questions, he gets defensive and says that if I continue to worry about it, it just puts pressure on him the next time we have sex and he will worry about it and then not be able to orgasm. I understand that this can happen sometimes, if he's tired, distracted or worrying about something, etc.... This has happened every now and then, but then about a month ago, it has gotten worse. We had sex on 5 different occassions and he never was able to orgasm. Then out of the blue, on the sixth time, he did. Don't know what was different, or why he was able to that time... but then things were good for about a week or two. In fact, he had been more passionate...but then, it started again about a week ago. And last night was the 3rd time with no success. The 1st 2 times, I said nothing and did not make a big deal out of it. But last night I did. And the same ole thing...He says he doesn't have to orgasm for him to enjoy sex. I'm not sure if I'm with a woman in a man's body or what....lol. I have never had a man tell me that...for a man...and I may be wrong, but sex is generally always about having an orgasm. I have a sneaky suspusian that our problem may be related to porn....but I will discuss this in another post if anyone is interested in trying to help me figure this out. I love sex, I enjoy the closeness of it and the feelings. I have had great sex and I have had not so great sex....right now, it's not so great...and talking with him about it just seems to make it worse. Would someone please open a dialog about this with me, so I won't go nuts trying to figure this out...Everything else in our relationship is great...but I want the "whole" package...great relationship with great sex...is that asking too much????
Thanks for your time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 9:03am

It's not a problem until it's made into a problem which you are doing.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 10:43am

hi lady, my bf is 41, and could be your fiances twin brother!!!
i have been dealing with the same issue for 9 months.

In the beginning he always told me, he doesn't need to
orgasm to have a great time, and feels complete without
one.

Then as time went on it still kept happening...and i know
about the 5 times during one week we had sex, and NO orgasm
at all!!! this put tremendous pressure on me too, cuz i
felt what was I doing wrong!!!

I do know that the mind does control alot with what is going
on "down there" with men, now does your fiance drink alot?? cuz
i know drinking, and being tired plays a huge effect on a man
orgasming. Also, maybe he is needs some "viagra", me and my
bf "talked" about this, but he still has yet to go to the doctor.

At one point, I was giving him oral sex, which he loves and he
was as limp as a noodle, and was upset cuz he was soooo horny.

Now you mention that maybe "porno" may have something to do with
this, is your fiance "addicted" or views porno alot, cuz i know
i used to have a bf who would view porno, mastrubate, then try
to have sex with me in a few hours and wasn't even able to get
it up. It hurt bad, and i was upset cuz his porno did affect
our sex life.

Just know your not the only one out there, also your fiance could
have a very low testosterone level, has he ever thought about
going to the doctors on this?? since it is affecting you also???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 10:57am

I completely agree with Tish. You say "you've never had this problem before"? Guess what, you don't have this problem now, either! HE has the problem, not you.

But, you DO have a problem.....and that's creating his problem more than likely. You're equating orgasms with good sex, and orgasms for men OR women are not necessary to have good sex. Up until 4 months ago, you didn't live together. You say you want sex more frequently than he does, and he's fully aware of that. Now that you're living together, the possibility of more sex is there, but it's not happening, and he's fully aware of that, too. So, he's got pressure on him, and he knows it. That pressure is probably the reason he's having a problem. And you add to it by taking it personally, and every time you make a big deal out of it, it just gets worse for him. LISTEN TO HIM!

Orgasms have nothing to do with good sex. It's true that men have less problems with it than women do......but even for a man....if it happens, great, if not, big deal! He's not complaining, but you're taking it all personally, which it's not, and he has a ton of pressure on him because of your reactions. You've made it into a "self fulfilling prophecy" for him. He knows you're unhappy, and he feels the pressure of "performing" for you. If he can't, he just worries about it that much more, and that causes it to happen again. You need to stop putting the pressure on him.

The best thing you can do for him is to let it go. The best thing you can do for yourself is to understand that everything leading up to his climax is great, and you should enjoy it and stop complaining about it. This isn't about YOU. You're making him feel like less of a man, and the more you do that, the more it will happen. Everything is your post is about how YOU feel.....try to imagine how HE feels. Like a failure! And not reaching climax is NOT a failure for him, or for you. There are lots of women who don't have orgasms, and they still enjoy sex, and the same goes for men.

The point of sex is pleasure, NOT orgasms. Sex can be wonderful without orgasms. It's about love and intimacy, not about performance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:36am
As for your suggestion

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 12:55pm

Just as an FYI, Viagra has nothing to do with ejaculations. If a man gets an erection, he doesn't need viagra.....because it's for a man who cannot get an erection (ED=Erectile Dysfunction).

Lack of ejaculation could be due to prostate enlargement, but if that's the case, he would also have problems urinating, which would be a good clue that he NEEDS to see his doctor.....because in addition to simple enlargement of the prostate (not uncommon for a man in his 40's), it could be cancer of the prostate.

Viagra is only for ED.....and it won't work if the man's not "interested". It only helps give and keep an erection for a man who is "aroused" but has circulatory problems.

And stress and alcohol usually cause erection problems although alcohol CAN cause ejaculation problems. (Alcohol is a depressant!) In the large majority of constant ejaculation problems, it's psychological......"a self fulfilling prophecy". When it happens once (which is not uncommon for ANY man) they worry about it so much it continues to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:56am
Thank you all for your replies. No, my boyfriend doesn't need viagra. He can get an erection. And I can truly understand why my questioning him can cause some tension. I unfortunately, have a hard time keeping things that bother me bottled up inside. I have tried to have open frank discussions with him about this issue. But all he can say is everything is wonderful. I guess I can only go by my life experiences and this one has me stumped. I guess the reason I feel somewhat perplexed is that he has told me that he never has had this happen before...at least not over and over again. So, of course, I felt that it must be something I am or am not doing. I have begged him to tell me, try new positions, play with toys...etc.... But all he can say is what I do is wonderful... So, I guess, I am supposed to lie there like a limp noodle making no noise and not touch him so as not to "distract" him so he can have an orgasm. That brings me to the issue about the porn, which I normally do not have a problem with porn, I even suggested us watching it together. The problem was, here I am, healthy decent looking female with a very healthy sex drive sitting downstairs in bed horny as hell...and bf is upstairs downloading porn. Even visiting web sites that provide "hookups"for sex. I am pretty open minded about most things, except for the "hookup" sites. In my single days, I would watch porn from time to time. But now that I have someone in my life, I figure I don't need it anymore. "Let's get off on each other???" Well, he agreed that he would not use the computer for anything other than legit business. Well, shortly there after is when the first episode occured. 5 times over a 7 or 8 day period and nothing he would try, but he couldn't come. I figured that me putting the limits on his porno may have contributed to this anxiety. So, I came up with what I thought was a reasonable compromise. I suggested that we could pick out a porn together and use it when we are having sex. I understand that men are typically drivin by visual stimulus. So, he can have his eye candy and we can have some really hot steamy sex. And it didn't have to be every night, just every now and then when the urge hit. I told him if he wanted to try that just let me know and we would do it together. Well, two days later, I walked in on him and he was downloading more porn. I was a bit upset, but I kept my cool and explained to him again how I felt about this. That I wanted it to be a mutual selection. Well, we never have downloaded any porn. He thinks that I am trying to trick him or something. Which I'm not. I've seen what he watches and it's relatively tame. I've seen much worse. I don't really have a problem with it. Anyway, the next week or two everything seemed like it was going well. He was passionate and actually seemed like he was getting into it more. Then I found where he visited one of those "hookup" sites again and downloaded another porn. I don't think he's actually hooking up with anyone, but stranger things have been known to happen. I didn't say anything right away, but I did a couple of days later. BTW This happened during Thanksgiving holidays... I explained to him in the beginning of our relationship...after he proposed to me...btw, that the sex bookie thing for hooking up with local girls for sex was strickly off limits. I could not live with him much less marry him if I had to worry about that all the time. He agreed and promised it wouldn't happen again. Well, I confronted him about it, in a peaceful manner...I'm not one to go into fits of rage or anger...I try to talk things out. I asked him if he truly loves me the way he does and thinks I am so wonderful and doesn't ever want to lose me...why would you do anything to jeopardize that? His response to this was that now I get to sit with him at the computer and monitor everything he does. That is the last thing I want to do. I just want him to be honest and truthful with me. I am actually a very understanding person...but I also have to "understand". And I can't do that if he will not be open and honest with me. He really just seems disintereted in sex with me. I have always felt the he was performing a "service" to me rather than "making love" to me. To close this up, I just want to add a couple more things. I have been in passionless relationships and I've been in very passionate ones. Sex is a very important part of the relationship...it probably ranks 3rd after honesty and respect.... I wouldn't be so upset about the fact that I am unable to "totally" satisfy him...if there wasn't all this other junk in the way. Just be open with me. All I want out of sex is the feeling of closeness, the incredible bond that two people can form from looking into each others eyes and feeling like you could just swallow them up and keep them inside...I don't care if I orgasm or not. I usually don't...he barely does any forplay, usually just humps my leg and then grabs the KY. I'm sorry, but I need a bit more attention.... He barely kisses me as well... What is so weird is that he is extremely effectionate outside the bedroom, lots of hugs, kisses and flattering comments. There are lots of mixed signals. Tell me when he gets home from work that he wants to lick me like an all day lollipop (gets me all ot and bothered) then when it comes to the point where we can have some fun...he fizzles. Maybe he does have perfomance anxiety and the only way he can get relief is by himself and the porn. I don't know...I have never criticized his performance before, during or after, I have only made suggestions on how we could 'liven" things up a bit. please don't be rude and angry with me about what I have been talking about. It may seem clear as glass to some of you, but for me...I just don't get it. I will back off and not pressure him about this anylonger. Oh and by the way...I never said anything about his lack of orgasm until after the 4th or 5th time it didn't happen. I always said it was ok and I enjoyed it very much, which I did. So, I didn't freak out on him the 1st time he didn't come. I just thought it was becoming an issue after it happened so many times and he claims it had never happened before. I think I raised a legitimate question. Why if you could then, what could be the reason now?? I still have no answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 3:42am

I would have to say I disagree with Tish on this one. To begin with I would be leary of anyone recommending medicaton who is not a licensed medical professional or a licensed medical professional whose licesne does not allow them to prescirbe medication. Plus I would be leary of anyone coming up with a conclusive diagnosis (e.g. Erectile Dysfunction) on an issue based on limited information from the perspective of a partner, not the person whom is effected.

Having read through your postings and the replies I would have to say I disagree with the belief it is not a problem until you make it a problem. If it was status quo you would not be writing to this broard for input on an issue that is impacting you. Since it is impacting you, your bf failure to ejaculate is an problem not matter what anyone else says.

I am going to base my reply on your postings and hope it gives you something to consider. Since I do not know you and we have never speakon the best I can do is give you things to consider based on my knowledge and your postings. If anything sounds like it could be a reason then I would recommend you follow up with a qualified licensed medical professional for further information.

Before, delving into the psychological issues, has your bf been to his doctor to see if there is a physical problem in relation to this? Even if he does not go to a qualified medical professional, has he recently suffered an injury to his pelvis, kidneys, bladder, or back it could be a reason. The other thing that comes to mind is he taking any new medications, started drinking, or doing drugs?

With that said, one thing that tends to stand out in my mind is the number of times the two of you engage in sex. You mention the two of you did it 5 without him ejaculating but on the sixth time he did. To me I am wondering if the number of times which the two of you do it actually has decreased his sensitivity and it takes allot of work to make him ejecuatlate. It might explain why he is so happy with things. Have you tried increasing the length between encounters? Maybe try like once or twice in a week? Also have you tried maybe doing more to get him more aroused. It might having to spend more time on him to get him more sensitive or decrease the frequency while increasing the length between each encounter.

Psychologically I do not believe it is stress. I feel it was stress he would not have an interest in it or he would not be able to get it up. Since he is able to do both I am not convinced, based on your postings, that it is stress. The other thing that makes me think it is not stress is, he is not alarmed by this issue. If it was stress, people when stressed tend to see things in the extremes and probably would make it into an issue.

Based on your postings, he seems to be happy with you and therefore tend to believe it is not a relationship issue. The only thing I can think of that might be a psycholgical issue for him is that he might have a fear of getting you pregnant? This could explain why you do it five times he does not ejaculate but on the sixth time he does.

I hope my response has given you something to think about and wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 9:42am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 10:11am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 10:12am

Hey ladyk!

From a hubby's point of view, I agree with the others that there really is no physical issue for you to be concerned about. If I've read everything correctly so far, he has not shown signs of losing erection or 'physical' interest in you. Lack of ejaculation occurs more often than women or even many men may realize IMO. Not saying its part of the normal function, but it DOES happen normally from time to time or even for lengths of time, as in his case. For me, it usually occurs during those times of heavy work schedule and fatique.

He has revealed satisfaction in you, so don't start looking for reasons to not believe him. There are women out there with men who DO have "healthy ejaculations" but who do not have that much sex with their men at all. THAT, by comparison of course, is reason to question if all is okay.

I do not deny that his sexual interest in other avenues, such as porn, could be reason for concern, but that is something you must communicate with him about. We cannot assist you with that. All we can do here is provide experience on our own end and share articles/facts regarding the physical issues.

YOU, ladyk, have an issue that requires you to continue honest communication with him, only you two together can fix that part. Hope you're able to openly work this out together. :)

 

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