boyfriend having trouble ejaculating

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
boyfriend having trouble ejaculating
12
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 8:25am
I am 38 years old and have lived with my fiance for about 4 months. I have I guess is an unusually healthy sexual appetite. I could have sex 3 times a day if he wanted to...but we don't. But that's not really the problem. I have NEVER had this problem before and don't know how to deal with it. My boyfriend sometimes has no problems having an orgasm. But then, we can have sex....the record is 5 times, so far...and he can't come. When he can't come...of course, the 1st thing that comes to mind is...what could I have done different to make it happen? It is much easier for most men to have an orgasm than a woman. I get very disappointed when he doesn't. All he will say is that he enjoyed it and it feels great, he just comes up with a million reasons why he didn't. And if I push the issue, and ask questions, he gets defensive and says that if I continue to worry about it, it just puts pressure on him the next time we have sex and he will worry about it and then not be able to orgasm. I understand that this can happen sometimes, if he's tired, distracted or worrying about something, etc.... This has happened every now and then, but then about a month ago, it has gotten worse. We had sex on 5 different occassions and he never was able to orgasm. Then out of the blue, on the sixth time, he did. Don't know what was different, or why he was able to that time... but then things were good for about a week or two. In fact, he had been more passionate...but then, it started again about a week ago. And last night was the 3rd time with no success. The 1st 2 times, I said nothing and did not make a big deal out of it. But last night I did. And the same ole thing...He says he doesn't have to orgasm for him to enjoy sex. I'm not sure if I'm with a woman in a man's body or what....lol. I have never had a man tell me that...for a man...and I may be wrong, but sex is generally always about having an orgasm. I have a sneaky suspusian that our problem may be related to porn....but I will discuss this in another post if anyone is interested in trying to help me figure this out. I love sex, I enjoy the closeness of it and the feelings. I have had great sex and I have had not so great sex....right now, it's not so great...and talking with him about it just seems to make it worse. Would someone please open a dialog about this with me, so I won't go nuts trying to figure this out...Everything else in our relationship is great...but I want the "whole" package...great relationship with great sex...is that asking too much????
Thanks for your time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:48pm

My FYI about the viagra wasn't to you, it was to the Vinster, who suggested it.

Why are you making this whole thing about YOU? It isn't about you. It's NOTHING you do or are not doing (during sex). This is HIS problem, not yours. You making an issue of it is only making matters worse. You ARE making an issue out of it, and the more you bring it up, and the more you try to "cure" him with porn or whatever, the worse it's going to become. In fact, it seems you opened a whole new can of worms by bringing porn into your relationship.

You are acting like his problem is an insult to you. You are taking it personally. You're driving him up a wall because of it. The more you do this, the worse it will be, until he might just give up altogheter and move on. This has nothing to do with you. The first few times he didn't finish, you didn't say anything? Why should you have said anything? Then eventually you "freaked out" on him......as though he was doing this on purpose, just to aggravate you. He's NOT doing it on purpose!

But now, we get into a lot of OTHER problems.....that are the REAL problems. He is addicted to sex/and or porn on the computer. He doesn't give you any foreplay. He acts like he's doing you a "service". You say you never criticized his "performance" (until now about lack of ejaculation, which is NOT your real problem) but did you ever simply discuss what you would like him to do for you, which is NOT criticism, simply requesting.
I think you'd better think long and hard about a marriage to this guy until BOTH of you can start learning to communicate about what's REALLY bothering you! You avoid the real issues and go off about a non-issue. He hides in porn. This is NOT a good relationship, and getting married isn't going to change anything. Maybe some premarital counselling would help both of you.

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 2:30pm

Ladyk, your last post was very revealing. I also think that your last post was very well written and proves that you are a very aware and intelligent woman. With that said, the fact that your BF does not engage in foreplay could be a large factor in his "problem" IMHO. I am a man, and foreplay is usually regarded as neceesary to arouse the woman, but it is also to arouse the man. You say that he acts like he is merely "servicing you", rather than making love to you. He engages in looking at porn sites and even to the point of soliciting "hook up" sites. He also is not always truthful with you. All RED FLAGS as far as I am concerned.

In my opinion, you are wasting your efforts with this guy. You two are NOT sexually compatible nor are you two morally compatible. You will be continually frustrated if you continue to attempt to make this BF into the man of your dreams. I suggest that you call it quits with him and seek a more compatible BF who meets all the criteria that you desire. Of course my take may be wrong, but this is my opinion on this whole situation. Good luck.

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