boyfriend with low sex drive

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
boyfriend with low sex drive
10
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 8:34pm
I've been dating a man for a mere two months who I'm very attracted to, but he only wants sex once a week. Last night I brought up that I'd like at least twice a week(preferably three times). His reply was that I'm oversexed and should see a doctor. He's in his 30's btw. I asked a friend and he said in a new relationship, sex once a week is not the norm. We also have the problem that I prefer to be on bottom and he doesn't like that position. He says he gets no feeling that way. He's given me oral sex for all of 10 seconds in 2 months time. And when I ask him to stimulate me with his hand, after two minutes, he says his hand is tired. And he loses his erection during intercourse after a couple minutes (and never comes that way). The only thing I could think of to get this man to do something for me was to hand him a vibrator to use on me, but that's not the kind of sex I really want to have. So even the once a week is not particularly satisfying. I've never had such a strong case of sexual incompatibility. Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 9:13pm

Tricky. Normally I'd suggest talking about it, but you have and you've hit a brick wall.

Did he really say that you're oversexed and should see a Doctor? It's one thing to say that you're oversexed, but to tell you that you should see a Doctor about it too is kinda insulting, isn't it? LOL!

Sounds like he's really got some issues going on and that talking isn't helping here. You have suggested that he go on top, haven't you? The only thing that you can really do is to keep talking. Try not to get frustrated or mad when you're talking to him because he'll shut down and become defensive. Try suggesting ideas and be encouraging. Try to avoid being negative. You're really trying to take the softly-softly carrot-and-stick approach at this stage. It's only when he doesn't improve that you want to have a more in depth and serious talk with him. And if that doesn't work you might have to try to get him to counselling and see if that can help the two of you out that way.

Other than that, it really does sound like you are incompatible.




Edited 7/21/2005 9:13 pm ET ET by westridge2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 11:16pm

My suggestion is to move on. Honestly. If he's not into you right now when the relationship is so fresh, what's he going to do when you've been dating for a while? He sounds pretty selfish to me..not willing to give oral, his hand getting tired, only prefers the positions he wants. When I think back to the beginning of my relationship with dh, it was sex non stop. When we went on a date we had sex at least twice. Dh was all over my body doing all kinds of things and vice versa. I would do oral for him until my jaw hurt if it meant he was satisfied. I would try any position to please him and to enhance our sex lives. I wanted to be with him and I wanted to please him. Sounds like you're willing to please this guy but he's not willing to please you. Doesn't sound like a win win situation to me.


You could talk to him but it sounds like he's pretty set in his ways and thinks you're oversexed and need to see a doctor. Like I said, move on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 12:28am

Oh you poor thing!!

Being 'oversexed' is not a medical condition - but sometimes it can sometimes feel like a curse. I'm on 2 antidepressants and Depo, but sometimes I still cannot get enough - especially in a new relationship. All of my ex-bfs have told me that they can't keep up...LOL.

In a new relationship, even one that is a couple months old, sex should not a low priority - which is what it sounds like he is making it.

Maybe he is the one who needs to see the doctor?

Blessings -

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 1:36pm
Poodlepower...Hi, I am curious as to how your sex drive is with your dh now? I was married with to my ex but with major problems obviously so I wasn't very attracted to him sexually. I am now going on a yr relationship with my current boyfriend who happens to be a high school boyfriend and I can't get enough of him. I want sex all the time. I am just wondering if this will slow down any as time goes on. I hope not. I guess what I am looking for his happily married couples out there that still have that attraction after years of being married. I don't want to lose this feeling that I have for my boyfriend and our sex drive. He's also touching or holding my hand all the time, we can't keep our hands off of eachother and I think it should be that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 2:17pm

Well, I wish I could say dh still has that same sexual drive that he once did. After kids, stress, changing careers and paying bills, he's preoccupied. He is willing to compromise and to work on things though if issues come up. He still flirts and is very playful. We have incredible sex when we do make time for it and I still have the same feelings I had 15 years ago for him. I would say overall we have a fantastic marriage. It's definitely worth working on and finding ways to enhance it when we get caught in the ruts. I have a much higher sex drive than dh and it might have something to do with our age difference..I'm not sure. We are 13 years apart so it could make a difference in how each of us feels about our bodies, our level of energy, etc. I'm in my 30's and couldn't feel sexier and more aware of how my needs are changing and how much more confident I feel. Dh is in his 40's and I think he might be feeling that mid life crisis thing. LOL!


I think it's great that you and your bf have that desire and can't get enough of each other. Most relationships start out that way. If you can hold on to that memory and feeling when you do get in a rut, it's easy to come out of it. There are a few married couples here that have been married a lot longer than I have who still have sex several times a week and still have that same desire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 3:01pm
That's great that you guys still work at it. I know we have to keep it a high priority. I have 3 boys and he has two between the ages of 9-15 so we have to stay focused with our personal time.
I just don't want to lose the attraction and feelings that we both share right now.
Thanks for sharing your story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 5:54pm

<>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 6:04pm

Well, I'm one of those happy LONG-married people who still has the same attraction to the DH. And it still works because my DH and I are committed to making it work. That honeymoon period is exactly what it says...a period. BUT love changes and grows, it doesn't die unless you allow it to.

I think the mistake many young couples make is believing that the initial spark and sexual attraction will remain effortless forever. It doesn't. It's a daily choice to love your partner. And it requires dedication and conscious effort to keep a relationship alive and healthy. You can't count on hormones getting you through 50+ years together.

Like my dear mom and granny used to say..."A marriage is like a garden, if left untended, it will become weedy and eventually die. But with tender loving care and attention, it will flourish and stay healthy forever."




Edited 7/22/2005 6:08 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 7:34pm

All great advice for sam...but what about advice for nygal?

It was her original post.

Blessings -

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 8:21pm

That is great advice and I will definitely keep on making it special. I have made the mistake once before but I know now that I was with the wrong person. He was never committed to me through our marriage, so after years of being blinded I am going to work on this relationship. But like I've said earlier, what I have know with my boyfriend, I never had it with my ex. EVER!!

To: NYGAL, I wish you all the luck. I hope it works out but like another poster said, you too may just not be compatible. Trust me, you want to be with the right person. Don't waste good years with the wrong guy.