Boyfriend masturbates a lot and it bothers me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2007
Boyfriend masturbates a lot and it bothers me
10
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 6:01pm

Some background. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, living together for 1. I am 30, he is 33. I knew that he masturbated, but a couple months ago I walked in on him... he hadn't started but he had a towel and was honest and told me the towel was there in case he felt like (I was upstairs in bed, he was in the living room). Ever since then I can't get it out my head.. I feel like I am going crazy. I know it is perfectly normal to masturbate, but from what I can tell he does it at least once a day. Is that excessive?! We have a decent sex life.. we have hit dry spells, and a dry spell occured when I almost caught him. Since then things have gotten better, but I don't think the masturbating has decreased. He tends to use his dirty undershirts to clean himself, and I find myslef literally going thru his laundry to see what he did while I was gone. He is a teacher and home for the summer, so my anxiety about this is thru the roof with what he's doing while I'm gone. He also watches porn... I told him one time I saw it in the history and now from time to time when I look, his history is cleared. Now, that could mean he cleared because he just watched it, or it could mean he watched porn 3 days and just hasn't been online (he has an ipad which he typically uses for games). I am just at a loss. I know I want to marry him. We talk about it all the time, and it's just a matter of time before he proposes, but I don't want to start our married life feeling this way. We have talked about my feelings, and we always come to a conclusion that guys are guys and feel the need to masturbate (that probably makes him sound insensitive, but he isn't), and I feel okay about it for a couple days, then the feelings come back. I have anxiety issues, and this is just making the anxiety so bad. I don't feel like him masturbating is a deal breaker, so it's not like I want to break up with him over this, but I just want to know if these feelings, and if the amount he masturbates are normal. Trust me, I know going thru his dirty laundry is not normal. I tell myself everyday I will not look, and I end up looking, and feeling bad. It's a vicious cycle, but I don't know how to break it. Any help or advice is appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 1:18pm

You just have to stop, either that or find a new relationship. You are only going to drive yourself crazy. Make the decision that it doesn't matter and stick to it. What makes you anxious about it, do you feel he's cheating, insecure about yourself, etc.? If so, than you need to work on yourself and how you react to it.   Have you tried watching porn with him?    

It is true that men masturbate and often to porn, and you can't take it personally unless it interferes in your relationship (and not just from your POV). If your sex life is suffering from him masturbating once a day, than it is a problem. Are you initiating the dry spell or is it him? If you are upset over it and not turned on by him, than it's something you need to discuss. Maybe he needs to be more open about it so you don't feel he's hiding something.  I think that is what has bothered me the most in the past, when they feel the need to be sneaky about it.  It makes you question what else they could be hiding. 

Personally I think once a day is a lot, but he could just have a very high sex drive. Maybe he needs to get out of the house more during the summer, take up a hobby, expand his interests a little, lol. Btw, I hope he does his own laundry, that's just gross.  

Chelsea

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2011
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 1:46pm
Wow....you seem a little stiff!!! I'm sure you can handle anything that comes up! Hopefully he's marrying his girlfriend....not his mom!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 5:54pm

You haven't really said why it makes you anxious.  Is it because of the porn?  Finding women attractive other than you?  That may be tough.  Even if you were to cut out the porn, he still may masturbate thinking about his first girlfriend, or the girlfriend he never had.  That is just the nature of things for some men.  Men are not always truthful as to what is in their 'spank bank' and, on a pragmatic level, I wouldn't be if asked.    

Does it bother you that he is directing sexual energy in any direction that is not towards you?  

I don't think once a day is a off the charts a lot.  Especially for someone who is home during the day.  For someone in a relationship who is getting pretty regular sex, that does seem like more than I would expect, though.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 1:04am

News flash:  Men masturbate.  Some more than others.  There is no such thing as normal!  What he does is normal for him, including watching porno.  He's not a child, and he's harming no one.

Most women who get upset by their partner's masturbation are thinking that it's a kind of cheating on THEM.  It has nothing to do with you at all.  You said you have a "decent" sex life......maybe you think so, but are you sure he feels the same?  But actually, even some men who have sex every day with their partners will masturbate.  It's different than sex with a woman.  It's easy, it's fast, and he doesn't have to worry about pleasing you.  You're not anxious, you're jealous, or insecure, thinking you're not enough for him.  You can't tell a man what he can or can't do, as long as it's not harming YOU in any way, and it's not.  You need to stop going thru his dirty clothes (yuk) and just accept that he enjoys it, he doesn't ignore you and that's that.  If you can't stop snooping, then it's time to pack up and leave........and do NOT marry this man.  He's not the man for you.  He nees a woman who understands him and doesn't try to tell him what he can and can't do!

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 6:56pm

Why not suggest masturbating together?  That can be a real turn on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 10:43pm

Hi Releek, I'm an older guy and to my knowledge what your BF is doing is quite normal and just like about 95% of the men. And yes, many guys masturbate while watching computer porn and it usually doesn't bother the wife or GF. Some of the wives or GFs even sit and watch it with the guy since it can soon develop on to better things afterward. 

 While I sympathize with your concerns you may want to do some reading about the sexuality of men so that you can get a better grasp of the mind-set of normal men. Self pleasure is easy, clean, and seldom has to be in timing with the partner. By reading specific books or web-sites about this subject you will probably understand that guys jmasturbate quite often and it is in no way 'cheating' on he wife. It's also well known that guys are sexually stimulated by what they see and that's just a part of the way men are and have always been. 

If all you've been doing is rolling this issue around within your own mind without finding out what is normal for men then you could well be causing your own problems on this subject. From when I was a teenager up until about 5 years ago I was a once a day guy and often sometimes it may be twice some days since when when I was younger the drive was very strong. The frequency will vary with each guy and that is also normal. Even at my age I do it at least once a week. 

Question... Do you personally masturbate?. Also were you raised in a home or a religion where that subject was suppressed?  Good luck on coming to grips with this issue otherwise it could ddestroy the other part of your relationship.  By the way, - - suggest to your BF to use two or more Kleenex so to not make a mess...  Tommy  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 11:59pm

I think you are over thinking things!

Masturbating is a perfectly normal way to explore your own sexual response system.....especially when it doesn’t affect ones partnered sex life or it doesn’t become obsessive compulsive.

Masturbation has many health benefits that include,

· relaxes one’s muscles

· helps one fall asleep

· promotes the release of the brain’s endorphins which cause feelings of physical and mental wellbeing

· Reduces stress

· Enhances one’s self-esteem.

 

He is probably masturbating because it makes him feel good in more ways than sexual...

Him masturbating is the least of your problems...You should concentrate on your own insecurities and jealous tendencies...

Even if he is watching porn, he isn’t cheating on you! He is simply fulfilling his own urges in a safe way. Would you rather he fulfil his urges with another woman?

I’d be careful about how you approach this issue, confronting him with demands to stop may work against you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:09pm

Once a day is not excessive.

His masturbation has nothing to do with you.  It's a personal thing he does for himself. There's a good chance that he's not fantasizing about you.  Fantasy is fantasy - it has nothing to do with your real relationships.

If your sex life is good, you shouldn't worry about it.

This is an area where women are often irrationally insecure.  You need to get over this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 3:32pm

be glad that hes jerking off and not jerking it off in someone else

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Mon, 08-26-2013 - 7:43pm

I don't know, I honestly can't see why you're upset.  If i'm doing it and my gf walks in, she will just laugh and offer to help and then help.  It's often nothing, i'll just be sitting at the pc paying some bills or something then the urge will strike and i go for it.  Really not at all a big deal, trust me.  She doesn't make me feel the least bit guilty about it - it just is.  Of course if she is there it's much better but still.