Boyfriend seems to like degrading women

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2008
Boyfriend seems to like degrading women
9
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 9:32am

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and I have no doubt that he loves me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 10:35am

Welcome to the board, hillie80.

First, I would be leary of what type of motives his "friend" has in sharing this information with you. I'm sure it was told to him in confidence, and should have stayed between the two of them. Telling you that your BF adores you is appropriate .... telling you your BFs inner most thoughts isn't, KWIM?

There are a lot of people with sexual fetishes. That doesn't mean it's a red flag that you need to run from, but it is something you should address with your BF. The two of you should be able to come to a compromise that works within your relationship. Since you're already willing to play into this fantasy/fetish of his, he should be receptive to hearing what your wants and needs are too. As a matter of fact, talking to him about how you feel is a huge step in showing him your confidence .... which in most cases is a turn on! Perhaps if he sees that side of you emerge, it will change his sexual attraction (assuming what he friend said is in fact true).

Having a fetish or fantasy to control the one you love and respect can sometimes be something that is conflicting for the person. (Just like a lot of guys have trouble having sex with their wives once they become a "mom" to his kids.) There are a lot of guidelines that can be followed in D/s play. You might want to explore some of those to set some safe boundaries that will be helpful to both of you. (There are a couple of members who are into this type of play, and I'm going to ask that they stop by and share some info with you about that.)

As far as talking with your BF about what's going on, how you feel, and what you need, your best bet is to have a conversation with him outside of the bedroom. Let him know that you do enjoy what the two of you have been doing, but that you need variety too. State things in the terms of "I" instead of "you" so that he doesn't shut down to the conversation. (Example "I need more variety" instead of "You only want to do one thing".) Talking to him and giving him the opportunity to respond is really the only way you can resolve some of your questions. It may be that he has no interest in the type of sex you crave, but you'll never know if you don't share your desires with him.





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2008
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 10:51am

Thank you for your thoughts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 11:33am

Dh and I role play D/s (me being sub) and with this kind of sex play, your b/f

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 12:05pm

I think that Misty and Tish have already given you excellent feedback and advice. I'm not sure how much more I can contribute to what they have said, except that no matter what the question might be that a couple needs to discuss in their relationship, a time does indeed come when it must be discussed, and one of the partners cannot constantly put it off by saying it's not the time. Especially in a situation that involves your intimate life, and in your case, you are obviously uneasy about the things he is leaning towards.


What he doesn't understand, I think, is that a woman has to be confident in herself and her sexuality in order to be submissive, whether it is in order to role play from time to time or to live the D/s lifestyle. It's a mistaken assumption that someone who is a sub must be someone who lacks confidence, man or woman. His surges of dominance as you have described them to us do not sound like things you are comfortable about for your own well being. His words "But i'd rather sit, talk, and laugh with her, than take her in the bedroom and have my way with her." aren't exactly reassuring that he is interested in you and what you want and need, IMO.

He has to accept talking to you about this, for your sake. Period.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2008
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 1:14pm

These seem like great boundaries that I need to talk with him about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 2:01pm

Some can switch, some can't.

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Registered: 03-25-2008
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 4:23pm

I do trust him, in that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me or make me uncomfortable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 6:44pm
I engage in D/s play with DW (I'm usually Dom, although we do switch from time to time), and there are several things in your posts that set off caution flags with me. First of all, as Misty, Tish and Nenu have already explained, D/s requires even more communication than vanilla sex. A Dom needs to be checking in all the time how his/her partner is doing, if their needs are being met, how close to the limit they are, etc. Done right, D/s can be one of the most intimate experiences imaginable, but it requires a huge amount of trust. To me, the fact that your BF wants to do it but doesn't want to talk about it tells me that his wannabe Dom impulses come from a place of insecurity, not confidence... and I would not ever trust such a person to dominate me.




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 9:27pm

he said that sometimes, he thinks he just needs to feel like "a big strong man" that women will do whatever he

Mrs P