boyfriend upset about my vibrator

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2005
boyfriend upset about my vibrator
12
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 7:29am

Hey all,
Looking for some friendly advice on an intimite subject.

Let me start by explaining that I have never had an orgasm with a man. I have a boyfriend, and have explained this to him, and he understands. I love our sex life and nothing compares to being intimite with someone you love, but the orgasm thing does bother me a little. It is also a difficult, lengthy process to get there by myself, So out of curiousity I decided to get a vibrator. My boyfriend however was upset by this. He feels inadequete. I was hoping it could become something for us both to enjoy, but he just feels like I am cheating on him or something. How can I make him understand I am just exploring my own sexuality?
Thanks, :-S
Froglet

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 11:18am

You can't "make him", any more than he can "make you" have an orgasm.

You can explain the facts of life to him. Fact #1 (relative to this discussion, at least) is that lots of (most?) women don't get orgasms from men the way they show in porn flicks...they need extra help, some by finger, some by vibrator.

Once that fact is explained, it's up to him to decide if he wishes to be "threatened" by a chunk of plastic and metal, or if he wants to be thrilled that you actively enjoy and explore your sexuality, and that you aren't just a passive lump. He's nuts if he choses anything other than the second. :)

Maybe letting him "take the wheel" and use it on you would help his acceptance, but not sure if he'd appreciate that YOU know where it goes better than he ever could. Giving him something to do might help, too -- my job while my GF is using the vibrator is to stimulate other parts of her body -- breasts, thighs, etc.

Personally, I love it when a woman shares with me the fact (and how) she takes care of herself. Reassures me that she's interested in the sex, not just "doing it because he wants it". And yes, as you say, it is an "intimite" subject, one that isn't commonly discussed and sometimes not admitted to, so it is very special when a woman let's me in on that part of her life.

I'd be tempted to say that if he's got insecurities over this, there are likely other problems that will pop up, too. For reference, my GF generally needs her vibrator to achieve what she's after. Do I *wish* I could stimulate her perfectly every time (or even most of the time)? Sure. However, the fact that I can't every time doesn't reflect poorly on me, her or anyone else...just the way it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 6:42pm
He is insecure and not as good in bed as he thinks. He needs to watch you and see what you do with it so he can learn what you want. then he can be the vibrater and take care of you. I wish my wife was as open minded as you. I bought her a small one and have never seen it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 9:05am
My husband bought me a toy for christmas along with a magnum of champagne. We had only been married 3 months by Christmas and still new to each other sexually. It was a wonderful learning "tool." He was able to learn what pleased me (and I him) and I was able to work through inhibitions of masturbating with someone I love watching me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 11:55am
Just give him a nice and tactful lesson on female anatomy. Besides, what man wouldn't want to see his SO squirming with delight!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 5:46pm
We have been married 26 yrs. and never masterbated in from of each other. I think I want to break the ice and at least ask my DW which hand she uses. If I get the guys I will ask her if I can watch. I think I need to see what she does that makes her feel good. Sometimes I wish she would just give me a hand job. I would love it if she would just get me taken care of and then if she wanted more I would take care of her. I did give myself a hand job one night but I think she was asleep. I had to go to our bath and take care of myself. I don't think she even knew or watched from the bed. Oh well, I will try.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:59am
I experience the same problem, I have never had an orgasm either. However, I purchased a vibrator as well. My boyfriend and I used it together. He seemed to enjoy it though. I still did not achieve orgasm though. But it was fun trying. I did tell him that the stimulation received from the "toy" made me want him more, which is true. Perhaps that is why he was okay with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:27am

If he loves you and cares about you achieving an orgasm, then he should be supportive. Recently my GF and I have been having great sex because I encouraged her to explore herself. Wow I was amazed at how much sexual energy she had after finding her sexuality.

We had a couple of toys, but she never really like to use them until now. She now likes to explore herself and wants me to watch her. It is the biggest turn on for any guy to watch their GF take care of herself. I've been able to learn a couple of new things about her and have been able to explore new sexual avenues with her because she is more comfortable with herself and her sexuality.

Tell your boyfriend from one guy to another that it will only lead to better sex between both of you. There is always spontaneous sex now. I am amazed at how horny women can get once they are completely open about their sexual appetitie. I for one enjoy it. A vibrator does not replace a man, it just helps supplement the process. I know my GF needs it to get an orgasm, which I've come to accept. My acceptance has given me bigger rewards than getting hung up on it should be me getting her to her climax.

You BF should just roll with it. If your happy then your BF will also be happy, just my motto.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:28pm
This may be a little personal but if you give your husband oral try slipping the vibrator under his balls while your giving him head. It may be a long shot but this is how I got my DH to except the great battery charged friend (which by the way EVERY women needs!!!!) He was suprised at first but then He enjoyed it so much that finalyl excepted it cause he realized it could be used on him too!!! Try it and let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 2:17pm
Hello!
I have thought about buying one for my DH and I to use together but he is STRONGLY against the idea!! He has said that he will never let one into his house! I don't get what is so bad! I mean we would only use it together, and it's not like I am replacing him by any means! I have gone to a few Slumber Parties where they have sold them and have a veriety to choose from and I would really like to try one but I will have to work on him some more! Oh well I wish you luck!!
MS
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 2:18pm
He doesn't know what he is missing. My "friend" has one and I love it when she lets me watch her use it, it sure would show him what you like. My wife would never use one in front of me, but o-well.

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