boyfriend's porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
boyfriend's porn
8
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 11:14pm
My boyfriend just told me today that about once a week he masturbates to porn. It made me sort of mad, and I don't know why because I know its a common thing to do. I felt like he did it because I wasn't satisfying him, which he promised wasn't the truth. He honestly hates when he watches porn and says he feels horrible afterwards. He says sometimes he just turns it off because he thinks its gross, and he doesn't know what keeps bringing him back. It really makes him feel horrible. During the summer we saw eachother a lot, and I was able to please him sexually more often, so he stopped looking at porn for that time. Now that we see eachother less, he has started up again, which brings me back to thinking he does it because I'm not satisfying him. Does anyone have any ideas or opinions on this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 12:13am

Well, it sounds like you logically know that guys masturbate even if they are having regular sex and that many use porn at the time. Some women don't even understand that. So I'm not sure what more to say about that. So logically, you know that he uses porn and why, but you're having problems getting past the emotions.

I don't know why your b/f says that he hates watching porn. I suspect that he is really trying to make you feel better. I mean, even if he is drawn back to porn, there are other things he can use without watching porn movies. I think what makes him feel horrible is that he likes porn and yet he knows that you hate it. He doesn't hate the porn, he just feels terribly guilty.

As easy as it is to say it, I think that you should try to stop worrying about it. If his sex drive is larger than you can deal with then where is the harm in letting him take care of himself now and again? You're happy with the amount of sex you're getting, he's happy with the amount of sex he's getting, you're all happy. What he does in his spare time is up to him! And for guys, masturbation really IS something that they can do in their spare time. A guy along can have a quick and easy orgasm - why NOT have an easy orgasm if you can? It's fun and fat-free.

The porn is nothing to worry about - he's not replacing you with it. It's just something to get his engine running when he's by himself. I've said this before about porn and I'll say it again - in the same way that some women can read a romance novel andlet their minds go wild imagining romantic masculine heros sweeping them off their feet, a man can use porn to get his imagination running and himself aroused. Doesn't mean that he's looking for a girl like one in the porn any more than any woman is going to actually start looking for buffed, long dark haired handsome heros.

Anyway, this whole thing is because you are not seeing him as much. How can you give him sex if you don't see him all the time? Another thing to remember is that sometimes all a guy wants is quick orgasm - he doesn't want a drawn out lovemaking session. Sometimes you want a sandwich and not a cooked meal. No more to it than that. Most guys can literally make themselves cum within two or three minutes if they put their minds to it. Relief from horniness instantly and no cooking :-)

I think as long as everyone is happy and getting all the sex that they want then his masturbation and his use of porn is fine. Perfectly natural and nothing to worry about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 12:48am

Guys masturbate! Even married men with their wives lying right next to them masturbate sometimes. That has NOTHING to do with whether or not they're being "satisfied" by their partners. It's just something they do.....as Westie said, it's fast and easy!

Some guys like visual and graphic things to look at while they do it. That's NORMAL, and there's nothing wrong with it. Even in sperm banks, they send the "contributors" into a cubicle to fill the cup, and they supply porn to help them! Hopefully, your b/f is just trying to make you feel better by saying that he thinks it's gross, and probably he's doing it more often than once a week, if he's not seeing much of you.

You are not in competition with his masturbation. You are you, and you satisfy him, or he wouldn't be with you. Masturbation is something entirely different....it's not sex, it's a "release".

The only time masturbation and/or porn become an issue is when the man ignores his partner completely, and only masturbates. That is NOT the case here, and you need to stop worrying about it. Don't look for problems where there aren't any!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 8:12am

It has nothing to do with you satisfying him.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:15am
When I peruse porn, it has nothing to do at all with my feelings or attraction to my DW. It's simply about watching the nasty.

 

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:20am

How can you satisfy him when you aren't there? Isn't that the point of masturbation? That's what he's using the porn for, I'm assuming.

If he was used to having sex multiple times a week, and now you're only having it once or twice a week, than naturally, he's going to feel a need to supplement.

I wouldn't feel threatened by the porn but if you have moral issues with it, tell him so. He obviously feels that what he's doing is wrong, hence the guilt and disgust, so he needs to do some soul searching.

In the meantime, what's wrong with using pictures of YOU to masturbate with?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:35am

Hi Nicole,

Your feelings are common. There are a lot of people that have trouble with this, it seems including your boyfriend.

As everyone here has said though, masturbation and sex with your partner are two seperate things. They satisfy different needs.

From the standpoint of the two of you though, his feelings are guilt driven for whatever reason. He feels shame for something that is normal and the shame is not healthy. Clearly, his porn use is outside your boundries. If you can accept that a little bit of it is no problem, let him know that what he is doing is okay, but you don't want to hear about it.

All will be well if you just respect each other's boundries and remember that boundries change as you change.

Peace,
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:38am
Great point about the pics Kat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:05pm

When it comes to porn people have different views!

To be honest it is not something I would be concerned about. I already know that my partner masturbates when I am not there and I have done the same and sometimes watch porn myself and have been turned on.

At some point the subject of porn came up and although I have watched porn I have never watched it with my partner. It was something that we decided to do, it felt a bit strange and I thought I might find it embarrassing. However, it was not the case. The fact is we probably only watched a couple of minutes of porn and it probably did something becase the next day we laughed about the fact that we intended to watch some porn together and neither of us could remember watching any of it.

The fact is we can talk about sex and as I do not tend to see him during the week because he lives 85 miles away, we have both told each other how horny we are feeling and what we would like to do to each other when we see each other. One thing led to another and before we knew it we were both masturbating whilst on the phone to each other and it was very erotic and it really turned me on to listen to him talking, telling me what he was doing and telling me what to do and how to play with myself. It is not something that we do all the time but when we do it feels good.

It will be something that some couples will be able to do and feel comfortable with whilst others won't. It is only a suggestion and should only be something you do if you feel comfortable doing and not something you try to do in order to stop him watching porn.

The fact that he does watch porn is no reflection on you whatsoever. As has already been said, if it was something he wanted to do all the time and would rather watch porn than be with you then it would be a cause for concern.

No one can tell you what you should or should not do all we can do is relay our own experiences and hopefully somewhere along the way something someone tells you will help.

Med